A Splintered Mind

It’s time for Winter Depression again. Daylight Savings Time (DST) has struck and suddenly it’s darker during the end of your work day than it was two weeks ago. Although I have clinical Depression year round, I have noticed that every time at this year my mood disorder spikes. I’ve written about Season Affective Disorder before So why was this year harder than previous years? You’d think I’d be prepared. Well, I was prepared — last year. The bulbs only burn for about a year and starting around August my bulbs began to die off. By the time November rolled around, I was desperately trying to replace them. If I thought things were confusing in 2009 the last time I had to decipher industry offerings for daylight spectrum bulbs , that was nothing compared to the brave new world of federally regulated light bulbs today. Everything has changed again. Since I couldn’t find an exact match to the bulbs I was using before, I’ve been using GE Reveal halogen bulbs as an experiment and th...

Wensday – Entry 42: I have had more ticking days since my accident last Spring than the year and a half preceding it. With so much to do the day before Thanksgiving, I can little afford another ticking day. Yet here I am.  As my right leg curls and my equilibrium evaporates, I find my mental acuity also impaired. This affects speech, organization, and productivity. Blessedly, I can still communicate with a keyboard. My WPM is severely cut down, but the path from my thoughts to my fingers remains intact. Even now two thumbs are a conduit from my brain to yours. I used to think this was odd, and certainly people have accused me of faking my disability due to this very ability to still communicate online when I claim I am home ticking, but now I wonder if it is an untapped opportunity.  Unfortunately, blogging doesn't pay well, or as is usually the case, at all. That's why I am trying to finish my book. There is so much left to do on my 3rd draft, and I had hoped to finish ...

From deep in the bottom of the mailbag comes this excellent question from Moosab. I'm sharing it here because the question is likely one most people with jobs have asked themselves at one point or another, especially adults with ADHD. ⁂ Hello,  let me start off by saying that some of your advice has been very helpful and inspiring. That being said,i need your help, my classes are all 90 minutes, i always try to start out concentrating, and i do, for 45 minutes, then my brain goes into rest,i need to focus for more than half the class, but i don't know how, any ideas?  ~ Moosab Thanks for writing in, Moosab. From what I have heard from various experts, 45 minutes is a normal attention block for adults with ADHD before their attention wavers. A class or meeting that extends far beyond your ability to focus can feel like torture. It's also stressful because, as I'm sure you've found out, losing focus means you miss out on material. So what do you do?...

Tuesday - Entry 41: I am sitting in the Sandy library and thinking about my options. Today I received the results of the MRI for my elbow. Unlike the prolapsed disks in my spine that have not healed, my elbow seems to have recovered from the car accident last Spring. Healthy joint. Untorn ligaments. Everything looks right as rain except for a large, lumpy thing on the tip of it. The bruising I had experienced seems to have subsided. I can carry groceries without pain now. I can do push-ups and ride exercise bikes. I imagine I can start taking my bike out for a ride again, something I have sorely missed doing all summer due to this injury. What a shame it is wintery and wet outside. Unfortunately, I have what seems to be a scarred bursa on my elbow. It's like an internal keloid. It in itself is not painful, but it might be contributing to the tenderness I still experience in that area. It seems benign, but who knows? We won't really know what it is until we open up...

Monday – Entry 40: My freelance writing work is taking away from my writing time, and yet it pays so little compared to my expenses. I’m getting frustrated. If I wasn’t disabled, if I was perfect, if I was a massive writing machine these would not be obstacles for me, but they are. I appreciate the work, and the money, however. I’m not complaining. In fact, I wish there was more of it because one of my clients has run out of work for me, but I am concerned. I need to do better with my time if I want to get this first book of mine published. I’m very proud of it. I truly am. However, I don’t spend enough time on it because it doesn’t pay—yet. (Yet my opposition to writing for free doesn’t extend to journal writing or blogging. Hmm, hypocrisy…) What I think is funny is that I rarely factor in my depression or ticking disorder when organizing my time. All I focus on is managing my ADHD. Certainly, ADHD needs to be managed. I’m a single ...

Friday - Entry 39: Tonight my plans were blown into atoms by a bomb. I managed to finish my daughter’s parent/teacher conference before the tics began. Even managed to drive home safely. However, by the time I made it up the stairs to my apartment, my body was no longer interested in following my lead and marched to a different beat altogether, often in different directions. My legs wanted to head south while my torso headed north while my arms held onto the wall for dear life. Safely inside, the Leprechaun—my 15 year old angel—cooked dinner, and I sat in front of the television watching shows on CrunchyRoll . I had planned on cooking dinner, finishing a review, then plunging into some serious book revisions on the third draft of my book. Instead, I watched fanciful shows while I waited for dinner’s protein to kick in and stop the tics. While I watched a new episode of Golden Time , I mused that no milksop of a guy would attract a vivacious, energetic, whirligig of a girl like t...

Saturday – Entry 38: I became distracted by iBooks for the Mac this morning. I should have been working on other things (like writing my book) , but iBooks took my attention much to my daughter’s annoyance. “Hey, Dad! What about breakfast?”* I pulled myself away, but every ingredient in the scrambled eggs was infused with my frustration and focus on iBooks. I soon discovered, however, that I don’t have Attention Deficit iBooks Disorder. The real problem wasn’t iBooks at all but my screwy attention deficit from Adult ADHD . I use my iPad to read a lot of books. If you follow me on GoodReads you already know this. I also try to give them a written review. It’s how I justify time spent reading. By taking time to not just rate, but review, I process the book and improve as a writer. Organizing all those books becomes an important part of this process. When I heard that Apple was releasing iBooks for the Mac, I was actually excited. Finally! A dedicated app to organize and tag all th...