A Splintered Mind

There I was on the eve of the 20th, all set to write a great article about managing ADHD procrastination with a small rewards system, when sickness struck. I'm not sure what it was, but I spent almost a full week comatose on the couch. I had food, but no energy to cook it. I had paid subscriptions to online video services, but forgot to pay my internet bill. What happened to the scheduled payment? Why didn't it go through? I didn't have the strength to find out. I then realized weakly that Netflix, Crunchyroll, and DramaFever were not going to succor me back to health. There was a free WiFi network out there in the neighborhood that taunted me in my low-grade delirium, but it allowed me to connect without Internet. Evil swine! How dare they mock the sick? By the time I began to recover last Friday, the 20th had long passed. Then one of my daughters announced that she was tired of switching back and forth between parents and had decided to live permanently with her mother....

Update 2016: This article was featured in my book "Saying NO to Suicide" , with added commentary. I have to confess something. I don't like most online suicide prevention resources. It's not that they're wrong, but that they're too soft. I'm looking for Burgess Merideth in my corner shouting at me in a gravelly voice, “Keep hittin 'em in the ribs, ya see? Don't let that b— breathe!”, not “Someone need a hug?” like Will Farrel's character in Elf. Suicidal ideation needs to be fought tooth and nail; I need pep talks not greeting cards. When I was suicidal a few weeks ago I had nobody nearby to turn to. It was very late at night, and I didn't think to call a hotline or wake up a friend. Instead, I texted my daughter in Germany. I just needed somebody to know what I was struggling with. She replied with sympathy, but also asked me what I was going to do about it. I laid out my game plan and she sent me words of encouragement. I had her in my...

Do you struggle with suicidal ideation and keep it to yourself because so many people let you down? Do you have a hard time opening up to people about these dark feelings because you’re afraid of being rejected? You might be surprised to learn you’re in good company. A lot of suicidal people receive a slap in the face instead of a hand of support, metaphorically speaking. I’ve confided in family members, ecclesiastical leaders, and friends only to be let down time after time. Some people simply can’t handle the conversation. Their mind flees out of their ear in search of sunshine the moment you bring the subject up, leaving you sitting there in the dark, alone and ignored. Perhaps, however, you have bumped into the other type of listener. They tell you to suck it up and stop complaining. That you’re making a big deal out of nothing. That you need to grow up. Wake up! Get your act together! What is wrong with you!? You’re just looking for attention!! Then they ignore you. Aren’t th...

Or Why Be Suicidal When You Can Careen Down a Hillside on a Block of Ice for Fun?   Update 2016: This article was featured in my book "Saying NO to Suicide" , with added commentary. I try to maintain a balance in my writing on mental health issues. I want to be upbeat and show how I've licked the li'l beasties, but if I'm too chipper many people assume that I never really had a problem. How easy it is for them to assume that their depression is the only real DEPRESSION . How exactly they are like those who don't believe there is such a thing as clinical depression because everybody feels sad once in a while. Unfortunately, both parties are wrong. I truly do have clinical depression , and it's a constant condition I manage on a daily basis. With divorce and a terrible car wreck in my recent past, I haven't been so chipper lately. My bank account needs a trip to the ER to stop the hemorrhaging, my minivan is off the road because my mailman thinks ot...

Update 2016: This article was featured in my book "Saying NO to Suicide" , with added commentary. Suriviving suicide requires having a reason to live. In fact, it requires many reasons. Start your list today. I was supposed to start my week with a bang . Here was my big opportunity to blog every day to honor National Suicide Prevention Week . I’d get the blog out in the morning, promote it on social media, and maybe share my story with new readers. Instead, my tic disorder & sickness put me out of commission. I didn’t even climb out of bed until 5:30pm, finally able to move. My soon to be thirteen-year-old had kept tabs on me. She fed me half of her Fluffernutter Sandwich in bed, told me about her exciting Sonic the Hedgehog findings, and gave me hugs & kisses. Eventually, my mind and body drifted slowly into sync, and I was able to get going. At that point I was supposed to start blogging immediately, but the virus the kids gave me last week still kept me ...

  It's not a great day today. The bug the children brought home with their homework & happy tales of school days may have finally left me yesterday, but after spending an afternoon at the Salt Lake Comic Con, the effort took a greater toll than I had prepared to pay. I swallowed copious amounts of Vitamin C, then rubbed my hands with sanitizer every thirty minutes, but there was nothing I could do to keep the ticking at bay. I'm hobbling about today on two forearm crutches when I'm not lying in my bed willing my body to stop moving. Tic disorders are inconvenient things. The Leprechaun is in the other room bundled in blankets in her bed—something I wish I could do, but I cannot return to sleep. Only the Brownie is bouncing with energy. Too bad we weren't able to send her to church with her mother, but on the upside I have a nurse on hand to bring me protein shakes and be amazed at my photo skills. I only have a few more years to amaze her this way until she is able ...