I Could Get Where I Was Going if Only My Mind Weren't in the Way
I've been wondering how to tackle today's column since I'm experiencing what I call the "slow tick". Whereas most people think of flailing arms and jerking necks when the word "tic" comes to mind, slow ticks are like being played in slow motion. There is an odd disconnect in my mind as I am aware of what to say in realtime but my mouth has a hard time keeping up. Walking becomes fun as well.
Don't be fooled by my bravado. The disability gets in the way all the time. Like this morning as my sweet four year old tried to help me out of the bed so she could go to school. I was moving, but in slow motion. No chance to make the bus so Nana was called and a ride was arranged. I don't drive when I'm like this. Where did I win? I force myself to move. I got that precious little angel changed, dressed, fed, and ready to go. It took me longer than on any other day but I did not let her down.
Today's column isn't about me, however. It's not about how amazingly cool I am for pushing through disability to be Wonderdad. This is about disability ~ or life's obstacles in general ~ and how we need to fight to meet our goals. To sit down and let apathy win the day is to give up on nobility and settle for mediocrity. Like any obstacle, disability is only in our way until we figure how to get around it.
People with ADHD tend to ruminate and self-flaggelate because of failure. They can see the goal line but get distracted within feet of it. Then they get so angry with themselves. This is failure, isn't it? This is stupidity, no? To lose the race for want of a few feet and an attention span? Likewise, people with severe depression miss opportunity after opportunity because they stay home in their dark caves away from others or at worst they are unable to do anything except feel sad, so overwhelming are the waves of despair and misery. They get more depressed in response to these seeming failures. But these disabilities are not failure. They are obstacles.
Sometimes it seems we use creative reasoning to keep our self-esteem intact when trying to allow for setbacks, but we play by different rules than others. Most people I know don't have random moments when they can type just fine but can't speak on the phone, but how does it profit me to constantly compare myself to people who can walk and chew gum at the same time? We shouldn't beat ourselves up over events and circumstances we have no control over, no matter how disappointing the affects may be on our lives. We need to keep in mind what our goals are. To be famous? To be rich? To be popular? Or to simply succeed? I can't say that I don't imagine being more well off financially, but I'll settle for success. It's not settling for less, though. It's being realistic. We can't run before we can walk. We can't jump to the top of the mountain. However, we can take one step at a time to get there. I am determined to be financially successful, but I need to overcome various obstacles to get there.
Remember, disability is only an obstacle when we can't get around it. Taking one step at a time is a way of pushing past our limitations and progressing despite them. This is what I tell myself when I am feeling down for not being able to dress my daughter in time to catch the bus. This is what I tell myself when I miss a self-imposed deadline. I don't settle for less. I don't make excuses. Instead, I refine my goals to be more realistic by adding more inbetween steps to them. It's how I keep myself on track and I highly recommend it to anybody overwhelmed with what life has thrown at them disabilities or not.
In today's case, I couldn't have anticipated ticking this morning, but then I stayed up late working on my kids' podcast so there is blame to be laid there. Insomnia acerbates my neurological maladies. I'll keep that in mind in the future by planning better and deciding it is more important to sleep than to finish the project. I'll also keep my doctor's appointment today. I'm seeing a neurologist for the first time and I don't want to miss this appointment. I don't know what is in store, but I'd like to pin down what my limitations are and what's causing them so I can get busy moving around them. I've got a mountaintop to reach.
Brain: Shift to the right. Let's avoid that wall.It's not quite unlike wading through jello. I can see where I need to go but the world is all woogily and I'm unable to get through it with any manner of celerity. But get there I do. I refuse help whenever possible. I'll be darned and knitted if I'm going to let this stupid disability get in my way.
Me: Wha?
Brain: Shift! Shift!
Me: The wall?
Boof!
Don't be fooled by my bravado. The disability gets in the way all the time. Like this morning as my sweet four year old tried to help me out of the bed so she could go to school. I was moving, but in slow motion. No chance to make the bus so Nana was called and a ride was arranged. I don't drive when I'm like this. Where did I win? I force myself to move. I got that precious little angel changed, dressed, fed, and ready to go. It took me longer than on any other day but I did not let her down.
Today's column isn't about me, however. It's not about how amazingly cool I am for pushing through disability to be Wonderdad. This is about disability ~ or life's obstacles in general ~ and how we need to fight to meet our goals. To sit down and let apathy win the day is to give up on nobility and settle for mediocrity. Like any obstacle, disability is only in our way until we figure how to get around it.
People with ADHD tend to ruminate and self-flaggelate because of failure. They can see the goal line but get distracted within feet of it. Then they get so angry with themselves. This is failure, isn't it? This is stupidity, no? To lose the race for want of a few feet and an attention span? Likewise, people with severe depression miss opportunity after opportunity because they stay home in their dark caves away from others or at worst they are unable to do anything except feel sad, so overwhelming are the waves of despair and misery. They get more depressed in response to these seeming failures. But these disabilities are not failure. They are obstacles.
Sometimes it seems we use creative reasoning to keep our self-esteem intact when trying to allow for setbacks, but we play by different rules than others. Most people I know don't have random moments when they can type just fine but can't speak on the phone, but how does it profit me to constantly compare myself to people who can walk and chew gum at the same time? We shouldn't beat ourselves up over events and circumstances we have no control over, no matter how disappointing the affects may be on our lives. We need to keep in mind what our goals are. To be famous? To be rich? To be popular? Or to simply succeed? I can't say that I don't imagine being more well off financially, but I'll settle for success. It's not settling for less, though. It's being realistic. We can't run before we can walk. We can't jump to the top of the mountain. However, we can take one step at a time to get there. I am determined to be financially successful, but I need to overcome various obstacles to get there.
Remember, disability is only an obstacle when we can't get around it. Taking one step at a time is a way of pushing past our limitations and progressing despite them. This is what I tell myself when I am feeling down for not being able to dress my daughter in time to catch the bus. This is what I tell myself when I miss a self-imposed deadline. I don't settle for less. I don't make excuses. Instead, I refine my goals to be more realistic by adding more inbetween steps to them. It's how I keep myself on track and I highly recommend it to anybody overwhelmed with what life has thrown at them disabilities or not.
In today's case, I couldn't have anticipated ticking this morning, but then I stayed up late working on my kids' podcast so there is blame to be laid there. Insomnia acerbates my neurological maladies. I'll keep that in mind in the future by planning better and deciding it is more important to sleep than to finish the project. I'll also keep my doctor's appointment today. I'm seeing a neurologist for the first time and I don't want to miss this appointment. I don't know what is in store, but I'd like to pin down what my limitations are and what's causing them so I can get busy moving around them. I've got a mountaintop to reach.
technorati tags: ADD, AD/HD, ADHD, Chronic Motor Tic Disorder, Chronic, Motor, Tic, Depression, Disorder, Disability, Coping Strategies
Comments
An obstacle is a measure of how much you want to achieve a goal.
I live in Iran, I have high degree and I teach in university. No one could tell me what's wrong with me until I found I am an ADD type 5, and Depressive type 7, according to those books.
I made myself study neurobiology and it has helped me. Now I know that's deficiency of Dopamine/Norepinephrine, overactive deep Limbic system, under-active Prefrontal Cortex and something wrong with my Basal Ganglia. Your situation is different, but the conversation between your "me" and your "brain" was very funny and understandable for me.
Cheers to our Splintered Minds!
I don't have ADD, but it was one of the "possible diagnoses" I was given before the real problem was discovered. In my case I'm Bipolar II, which for years was misdiagnosed as depression/anxiety, possible borderline personality disorder and possible ADD. The right treatment (in my case, Lithium) makes all the difference in the world.
I can really relate to the statement about self-flagellation. Even now I have a bad day sometimes where I really hate myself and feel like a loser for being too drained to do anything. I also have fibromyalgia which leeches serotonin because of the chroninc pain. (In my case I'm lucky because it's usually fairly low-grade, and if I don't overdo things, sometimes I don't even notice it.) But before treatment I was prone to self-mutilation because I would hate myself so bad for perceived failures.
BTW I also love your coloring book critters! You are a very talented person. So, give yourself a pat on the back today!
Peace,
Cie
Allow me to post part of your column in my blog because it will be a source of inspiration to me and a number of people I know.
Thanks. And I know you are doing a good job as a dad!
I liked your comment on obstacles. Well said.
Zola, I'm lucky if I remember the name of people I've known for years. No need to apologize.
Hello, Anonymous. I'm really glad you enjoy my column. One of the difficulties about diagnosing AD/HD is that it is so varied from patient to patient. You and I won't have all the same symptoms, but I bet we'll have the same feelings of frustration...
I was on desoxyn and zoloft when I developed Chronic Motor Tic Disorder as a side-effect. Consequently, I am very negative about psychotropic medications. However, I do realize that my experience is not common.
As you know, Strattera has recently come under fire for triggering depression and suicidal tendencies in youth. Don't make the mistake I did. I used those above meds for 3 weeks even though I was having adverse affects. I really didn't know what was going on. I was only 25. I tried Aderall years later but had immediate facial ticking so I terminated usage instantly.
Watch your reactions. Keep a journal of your feelings. And stay in contact with your doctor.
sohale, my daughters enjoyed my conversation between me and my brain as well. Glad you have been able to identify your condition. Good luck learning how to minimize it's worst effects while utilizing its best effects.
Staceyathome, thank you.
Jim, I think we all get very good at hiding our limitations, whatever they may be. It's survival instinct, don't you agree?
R, bless your heart. I wrote this column as a pep talk for myself. I never imagined other people would be touched by it.
Vargas, I know that maintaining focus can be hellish. My best advice is to break down what you're doing in steps. You not only have a better chance of finishing the smaller steps, but you have a positive feeling of accomplishment as you move up the latter to your goal. That being said, it sure can be frustrating to lose focus all the time. However, referring to yourself as retarded is a trap. Take it from me, a professional at insulting myself, negative labels only contribute to the downward spiral.
Cheesemeister, I'm glad that you've found a treatment that works for you. I know that the random fluctuations and mood swings of bipolar disorder can be disruptive to people's lives - yours and the people around you. I've had some shrinks try to pin bipolor on me as a diagnosis, but I'm just a moody guy with AD/HD. No manic episodes for me.
I'm glad you like my critters. Thanks for dropping by.
sushi, since my column is released under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs license, you are free to use any amount of my unedited text on your website as long as you credit me and give my site a referring link. Be sure to send me the link when you do. Thanks. My wife liked your "dad" comment.
Not everybody can fight these issues without medication, however. I was sensitive to medications so they were not an option for me anymore. I'm not saying you should go back on meds, but if you find you have too many nights filled with tears I would recommend seeing a cognative behavior therapist to help you learn to keep those feelings in check. You shouldn't suffer needlessly.
Amazing, I have spent hours responding to comments. If this continues I do not know how I'll be able to keep up. I want to respond to each and every one of them. Obviously, that is not going to be an option if I plan on getting any of my weekly goals accomplished. LOL
May I suggest that as you're climbing...you pause occasionally to enjoy the view from where you are "Right Now"...so many of us are in such a rush to reach the summit...we forget to enjoy the climb.
Compliments of the season to you.
,i'm a Web designer Philippines
ive learned a lot from ur blog...i wish u the very best of luck.hope the neurologist appointment went well.keep up the good work
R2K
Groundlings, you nailed it.
The neurologist appointment was a waste of time. Maybe I'll cover that in an upcoming column.
I'm not sure what ur diagnosis is but will read to find out.
I have undiagnosed ADD (minus the hyperactivity)
Truth is, sometimes ADD is a label placed on people like us to make it seem that anything out of the norm *must* be pathological.
I have a book recommendation here
that portrays ADD in more positive light;
Attention Deficit Disorder:
A Different Perspective by Thom Hartmann
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1887424148/002-8897089-5957652?v=glance&n=283155
U can try checking in to my blog (links part)from time to time as pursuit of mental & physical health accidentally equipped me with a degree of nutritional knowledge..albeit the alternative kind.
Plus t'would be fun to make a new friend, eh?
Don't go down, man..Eye of Tiger!!!
;)
Hartman's book was very inspirational to me. It started my mind thinking about AD/HD as a positive trait. That was excellent for my self-esteem, but the negative aspects of AD/HD were continually messing up all my plans. And boy, do I have big plans! LOL So I've been focusing more on getting a handle on the negative aspects, though I definitely keep an eye on the positive aspects.
Any doubt I had was dispelled immediately as soon as I began wandering around ADDA sites and forums: I was suddenly, and for the first time, in the presence of others of my species! The joy of recognition was rather blunted by the desperately sad stories of blurred and deflected lives. It seems I'm lucky to have made it this far with a splendid relationship and good employment.
Enough, lest I babble. Thanks for all the information, which is already helpful. I suspect I'll do a few (more) ADD-related posting over at my cubicsecond blogspot, and help to spread the word.
Chris Davis
My Blog
But thats all.
R2K..
have a hard time doing certain kinds of jobs, especially that involve paperwork or filing..
im hopeless at those.
on the other hand, one side effect appears to be improved reflexes.. not sure if its a trait or not but helps me avoid traffic mishaps. ;)
I too am a strong advocate for those who suffer from mental illness, including depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.
Normal is a setting on a washing machine.
Be well and have a good day.
My son was diagnosed over 3 years ago with ADHD. He's 11 now and doing so well. Until the diagnosis we were living in a constant state of misunderstanding. So many books have been handed to me, so many appointments with principals, teachers, and a wonderful pyschologist (sp?) who FINALLY made sense of it all. Thank you for this blog ~ and excellent job in replying to all these comments!
I'll be checking out your archives to see what I've missed! Thank you again . . . this blog, for me, is an insight into what happens inside my sons head when I'm so focused on what he should be doing that I regret I neglect to notice what he's actually doing :(
Insight has finally found me and I am grateful.
And anger. Don't forget the anger. People with AD/HD tend to be bright, brilliant thinkers with grand ideas that never seem to come to pass. Many end up as angry and bitter frustrated victims of their own hubris. I don't want that for myself, though I know all too well how frustrating it is to find yourself failing again for want of an important detail you somehow missed.
I worked as a paste-up artist years ago for a newspaper. Apparently I pasted up a page upside down without noticing. LOL Time was that would make me hate myself because it was a stupid mistake that cost me a job. Now I just laugh. Maybe I'll live longer as a result.
alex, consider yourself lucky. Maybe you have just enough ADD to make yourself interesting but not enough to make life difficult. ;)
spiz, could you elaborate a bit more? Perhaps use a few more verbs, nouns, etc?
salad days, thank you. I appreciate the comments.
sol, I love my reflexes! I'm happiest driving when I can maneuver through traffic like a sprite in Pole Position. But you don't want to be in the car with me when traffic slows down to a crawl. I've got to be careful. My four year old is picking up some interesting expressions...
melissa, then I'm doomed. I live with four beautiful daughters who are constantly distracting me. My 13 year old just had her first perm today. It's hair. Curlier. And yet nothing got done tonight except staring in awe that such a beautiful creature was born of me. Thanks for your comments. Hope to see you around here again.
heidi, in-between steps are the secret to success. non-ADD people seem to do them without thinking much about them. People like us have to deliberately plan them in and plod through them or risk losing sight of the goal. As for using your humor for good rather than evil, the forces of good thank you. They can be so stuffy and self-absorbed sometimes a good laugh is vital to keeping them grounded. :)
matthew b. b. smith, no offense was taken. I meant the first part to be funny. It's OK to laugh here. It's sort of the point of the blog. I'm glad people enjoyed that conversation.
dancing crow, oh, man do I super focus. Food? Drink? What are those? I don't even take time to go to the bathroom. Thanks for your comments. Meds do not work for everyone. There needs to be more resources out there for alternative methods of handling these disabilities and turning them into attributes. I know too many people with AD/HD that have terrible self-esteem and a lousy grasp on their life, myself included.
barbarafromcalifornia, thank you for your kind words. Reaching out to others like myself was one of the purposes of this blog for me. I'm happy to be finally reaching them. I don't want others to go through the same self-loathing and recrimination that I have gone through. And maybe they can learn from my mistakes. I've made so many of them I have material to write about for years!
mom, I'm glad you've found a good psychologist to help you and your son. This should help your boy learn how to take responsibility for his mistakes (and he'll make a lot of them) and learn how to regulate his behavior better but not end up with bad self-esteem. What a hard job, but you sound like the kind of mom that can do it. My 7 year old daughter may have AD/HD. I am trying to teach her to control her impulses and take responsibility for the goofy mistakes she makes since she needs to fit into this uncaring society. But also to laugh a little at herself and not be so stressed. The self-loathing starts so young. She answered "1+1=" wrong on her math test the other day. Boy, did she feel stupid. But I know she knows the answer. Her mind was just elsewhere when she answered the question. I helped her see she knew the answer and then laugh at the silly mistake and move on. It's all I can do, really. Only when I became positive minded in my 30's did I start to make progress against my limitations. I hope to save her 20 years of bumps and bruises. Or at least prepare her better for them than I was. What did anybody know about AD/HD in the 80's? We were just behavior problems that needed more discipline. Discipline is important, but so isn't self-love - something teachers had little concern for when they lectured and ridiculed and chastised publicly. They didn't understand that depression, triggered by constant scolding, made AD/HD worse. My plan is to be one of those pain-in-the-butt parents who makes teachers nervous so they treat my kid with kid gloves. LOL Good luck and thank your for your comments.
As for your blog - Bravo! I have a daughter with CP and it can at times be a challenge. Her motto has always been - "when every challenge is tougher, every victory is sweeter"
Thanks for the great blog!
aLiAs jL
I just developed my blogsite yesterday and am anxious to hear responses.
There is a link between OCD, Chronic Motor Tic Disorder, Tourette's, and AD/HD. They tend to spill over into each other, but not in all cases. I thank Heaven above I don't have OCD or full blown Tourette's Syndrome because I'm busy enough dealing with the other two...
Glad you liked my column. I post every Tuesday, so I hope to see your comments again.
Hasan, I was supposed to see Kong tonight. Too busy. Not sure how it will ease my mind. I hear it's rather intense and emotional... :p
aLiAs jL, thank you for your comments. I like your daughter's motto. Brava! I look forward to the day my daughter can express such sentiments.
womenwantmenneed, I do plenty. Stick around a while and read a few of my columns. I work too much. I am constantly fixing myself and I am determined to make something of my life. Self-evaluation is one of the tools I use. Self-expression through this blog is another.
Speaking of blogs, I took a gander at yours. I think you need to learn to like men more. It seems you've villainized them excessively. Not knowing your life experience, but knowing mine, I feel you overgeneralize when you state that men only want sex. SOME men only want sex. Others like snuggling, cuddling, talking, and being with one women. Whoops, freudian slip. ;)
Thanks for writing that. What a singular experience that must have been for you to be apologized to by an old teacher. I have deep seated resentments still because of caustic tongued and unkind teachers. They went out of their way to punish me because of my AD/HD - almost as if they were trying to punish me/subdue me/silence me because I was an inconvenience to them. One would stick me in a walk-in closet (2nd grade, early 70's) if I was too fidgety. None ever beat me, though.
I'd like to think I wouldn't have been silent when faced with Mrs. Closet. I would have been busting at the edges to give her a piece of my mind. And yet. And yet. Would I really? I'm such a softy at heart. My anger dissipates instantly when apologies are offered. Or would I have been simply too stunned to say anything as you were? Could I have forgiven? If they had physically beaten me I'm not so sure.
Love your writing.
I'm posting your blog on my Just For Fun page; I hope you don't mind. If you do, let me know and I'll take it off.
Thanks!
Rita Ballard
http://www.healershelper.com
after reading your
post today, I believe
I suffer from SEVERE
DEPRESSION!
Hmmmmm......,
now I'm depressed!
:(
Enjoy the Holidays!
:)
I just wanted to take a moment to thank Jaime for her post. I loved what you had to say. You've got a great attitude. I agree with you whole heartedly about IQ tests. I was one number when I was 16 then a lower number by ten points when I was 25. Did I get dumber over the years? No. Those tests heavily reward memory and sequence recall. My increased absentmindedness adversely affected the exam results. I find them a bit of a sham, to be honest.
Having dreams and ambitions is fantastic. Just remember to focus on one at a time. Having AD/HD means having a million irons in the fire. If you want to be a jack of all trades and a master of none, then you keep on going the way you are. But if you want to succeed in any one particular field, you're going to have to discipline yourself to focus on one of them as best as you can. I wish I had realized that about myself 25 years ago. I would have planned so differently... But it's not too late for you. Your entire life is open in front of you. How exciting. And knowledge of AD/HD only increases with every year. It's a good time to be alive. Good luck!
after much thought on the subject im inclined to think that people with this "disorder" are really just fine. its the world around us that is so screwed. everything is pulling us in every direction with so many contradictions. it should be only natural to be depressed and frazzled. and another thing i never understood this whole thing about being happy it seems like a crock to me. do you realize what it takes to be "happy" in this world? the amount of non sensical baloney is staggering. there is no way that i am going to succumb to the blatant materialism and lack of beauty that surrounds me. perhaps thats why i live in korea now, alone on a mountain living a simple life teaching in an elementary school . . . its amazing how now i can suddenly concentrate, well sort of :-P.
As the mother of an ADHD son, now 25, I can tell you that you are truly awesome. I only read several post but I wish you all the best.
I am sending your blog address to him because it is so encouraging. I am always amazed at the determination to climb up out of the chaos that is displayed by my son. His ADHD is accompanied by a specific learning disabilty and he is deaf in one ear.
Keep up the good work.
Dixie Girl
I was diagnosed ADD a few months ago and I am in my thirties. It was nice to know that I wasn't lazy or irresponsible. Apparently I actually have developed pretty good coping mechanisms over the years (several sets of keys).
I am looking forward to trying medication to see if it makes a difference. I am curious how a "normal" person views their day.
lisalia, I hope medication works out for you. Just monitor yourself daily and familiarize yourself with the side-effects so that you can stay on top of the meds if they aren't working out for you.
I also have the "hyper-focus" described above (I think that's what it was called) where I become so caught up in doing one thing I lose track of time and just about anything else. I find that I can accomplish a lot when I'm in one of those "moods", but also find that I have to complete whatever I'm working on or I forget what I was trying to do in the first place, or have to spend a lot of time getting back to the point where I was in the project.
All very frustrating, to be sure.
Hyper-focusing is a two edged sword. I can get great things done in short amounts of time, but I pay a cost. The other night I hyper-focused on my coloring book and forgot to take the cookies out of the oven. I didn't hear the alarm I set. And I didn't even have my usual background awareness that I was even baking. I happened to go back upstairs and notice there was a burned cookie smell. LOL
I can completely relate with you on finishing projects. I think that is one reason I don't draw as much anymore. I know I will hyper-focus so I avoid the desk so that I don't get myself into trouble with everything else that needs to be done.
Jill
Shotokan Karate Grrl
"Obstacles are those frightful things we see when we take our eyes off our goals."
Anyone out there know who said that?
La Regina Dei Dannati - - Hope you had a Merry Christmas as well. What you say is sweet, but I assure you I have disabilities. I believe I have a handle on them more now than I have had in my past, but writing was never one of them. In fact, I've been journal writing since I was 11. I have ten volumes or more. I've lost track. And now I write this column as a form of journal. I don't speak as well as I write, btw, something I wish wasn't the case. However, much to my wife's regret, that lack of aural eloquence does nothing to stop me from opening my mouth and letting words come out. lol
ED - I don't think I'm a hero. I'm just a guy trying to get by like the best of them. Thanks for taking the time to post AND read my column. ;)