ADHD: The Blind Leading the Blind
Two nights ago I asked my thirteen year old daughter for help. I told her I needed her to get me two things from upstairs, but when she asked what they were my mind went blank. I stood there and wrestled with my thoughts to remember what the heck I needed her to get. Soon the neurons in my mind recalled each other's location and I remembered what items I needed, but when I made sure I had her attention I forgot them again so quickly I didn't have a chance to say what they were. She just laughed and laughed. I could have felt frustrated. I certainly felt sheepish, but instead I laughed along with her.I mention this only so you know what type of brain we're working with here when I tell you that last week a reader named Bekah asked me for advice. She shared with me how frustrated she felt when her son, who has ADHD, became frustrated whenever he encountered problems. She wanted to know what she could do to help him. I believe the working theory was that since I had AD/HD I was infinitely qualified to give advice on the subject. Unfortunately for me, I am overqualified.
AD/HD and frustration go hand in hand. Sometimes, what we seek is just a bit beyond our memory's reach, like when we go to the store and forget why we're there. Other times, there is something obvious we have overlooked that will provide a ready solution to the problem. At worst, we have inexplicably forgotten something important that has caused mishaps at work or school or home. It is no wonder some non-AD/HD people hold us in contempt and treat us as stupid. However, we don't need outside influences to shape our self-esteem for the worse. We are usually our own harshest critics. I watch this at work in my seven year old daughter.
Sometime before Christmas she sheepishly pulled out a math test and showed it to me. The teacher wanted her to work out the mistakes and turn the test back in. Most notable amidst the mistakes was 1+1=0. My daughter berated herself for being stupid as she squirmed by my side and averted her gaze. The beginnings of self-loathing had begun its creep into her developing mind, and I sat stunned for a moment not because she had jotted down the wrong answer to the most fundamental mathematical equation in the world, but because she was developing self-loathing despite all the love and support we gave her. I was looking at myself.
Bekah wanted to know what her son expected of her in moments like this. Obviously individual needs may vary, but our children are not so different from we who have carried ADD into adulthood. A little love, respect, and forgiveness can soften the sting of failure, and perhaps a nice hug, but no amount of hugging will undo the damage. Take my old boss, Jerry, for example. If he had started snuggling me when I pasted the sports photo upside down on the front page not only would I have been alarmed and embarrassed, but his beard would have been chafing. No, instead he kept a secret dossier of all my mistakes and presented them during my three month review as a testimony of my uselessness. He compiled evidence in hopes it would get me terminated. Nice guy. The AD/HD person learns over time to expect ridicule, chastisement, contempt, and dismissal. How different things would have been if he had approached me months before and had a good laugh with me over the doofy upside down photo. Bekah's boy and my daughter need a wiser approach.
I knew that I couldn't hug my daughter's feelings of disappointment away. She was a bright, intelligent kid who has been well aware of what one plus one equals for several years. This mistake was a crushing blow to her ego despite it being a simple case of subtracting instead of adding. So I put my arm around her and agreed with her that it was a stupid mistake, but then I suggested she had probably been distracted when taking the test. I suggested with full confidence that she knew what the answers were and should quickly correct the mistakes. Only when she came back with a corrected paper did I help her laugh at the mistakes. Making light of the errors after she corrected them helped her accept her momentary limitations but not hate herself because of them.
The trick to disciplining the adhd child without destroying their self-esteem seems to be the same trick to supporting them when they grow frustrated with themselves. Teach them how to control negative behavior, teach them they will have negative behavior but they are OK, and teach them about their positive skills and find ways to encourage that behavior. It doesn't hurt to help them laugh at their mistakes instead of beating themselves up over them, either. Incidentally, this is the same advice I have learned to give myself.
I hope the advice was helpful. This is, of course, one shining moment out of many less stellar ones, but I like to believe I'm on the right track. But what do I know? After all this time I still don't remember what I wanted my other daughter to get for me.
technorati tags: ADD, ADHD, AD/HD, Self-esteem, Advice, Frustration, Parenting
Comments
This column marks the beginning of an experiment. I have enjoyed the squiggly widget that I use to make my illustrations, but I haven't enjoyed the line quality. So I used Photoshop to make my own squiggly illo today. I think I'm pleased with the results. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow. ;)
Thanks for your positive comments.
Link ~ I appreciate you sharing that with us. I'm not bipolar, but I do have clinical depression. I have had to struggle with that for years, but have made great progress. The first step was to recognize when I was depressed. To people who don't suffer as you and I do that might sound silly, but it really is hard to develop that type of cognitive awareness. True depression can be so overwhelming and crushing we are too busy dealing with the feelings to afford energy to think about them. But once I could identify that I was depressed I would ask myself if I had a reason to be sad. If I didn't have a reason to be sad, I knew it was just the stupid depression and I had to learn how to shake it off. If I did have a reason to be sad, I had to learn how to determine if what I was feeling was appropriate for the situation. That took years to develop on my own, but now I can go through the process quickly and correct my feelings within hours not months. I suppose I could write about that some time, but it wouldn't necessarily be a funny column. :/
But, the AD/HD in me is suddenly prickled alert by the challenge of writing something funny about being sad. ;)
Good luck with getting in control of the self-mutilation. It's not healthy for your self-esteem to punish yourself like that.
http://www.2000ah.blogspot.com
I try to concentrate on my over-all performance rather than the silly mistakes. But even so, I do beat myself up over those silly mistakes sometimes - even though I have a very understanding, supportive husband who does just what you have suggested here. I think it is because I am still wishing that I wasn't the way that I am. I get frustrated at all the extra time and work that I need to do just to come up with the same results as "normal" people. It gets really tiring.
Having an AD/HD child is even more frustrating since it really is like the blind leading the blind!! I have a 13 year old son that has just started to gather coping skills for his AD/HD. Sometimes I feel bad that I can't pick up the slack for him, since I'm too busy just trying to keep myself together. But then I remember that because I am who I am with the AD/HD experiences that I have had in my life, I know exactly what he is going through and can teach him techniques to help himself.
I wish my parents would have been like that when I struggled in math at school. Sometimes it felt that there were too many rules to remember and I got so very confused and felt like I don't understant what I was supposed to do. But I passed the tests, didn't get good grades though. I have been much better in subjects like Finnish (my native language) and in English. I read somewhere that it has to do with what side of the brain is more dominant, left or right. And if I remember right, mine was left. But I can't trust my memory 100% though...
And not being able to trust your memory can be sometimes really embarrassing. I have picked up a phone and called someone having really important thing to talk about. But when I got a hold of this person, I completely forgot what the important thing was. The situation didn't feel funny when it happened but I have been able to laugh at it later.
You are right about person with AD/HD being the most harsh cridit for themselves. (I still don't know if I have it or not - I was the MBD diagnosed person.) I think I don't give myself much credit even if I did good. I know, that is a bad thing. It's some sort of weird coping mechanishm that I have developed, being so judgemental to myself that if someone else finds a flaw in what I do, it's not supposed to hurt as much. But the thing is that it does hurt.
I think I learned to tone down being too judgemental to myself at my previous school. I had to write a lot of self-evaluations at the end of every single assignment. What went wrong, what was right and why? What could I have done better? And so on... I had to learn to think about it objectively, like looking myself from someone elses perspective and it helped. It helped to put myself into perspective and give myself some slack.
Greetings from snowy Finland!
LEFT SIDE
Language, reading
Details, facts
Logic
Math, numbers
Order
Analysis
RIGHT SIDE
Rythm, music
General concept
Pictures, patterns
Imagination
Creativity
Intuition
So, the language skills are on the right side though. That is propably the one thing from that side of the brain that is working for me, heh! Sorry for doubleposting!
It has come to my attention that you are a loving, caring father who only wants the best for your children. Your hands on approach to parenting is a ringing endorsement of the above statement. Your positive regard to problem solving, not just for your daughter but also for yourself, is something that many need to mirror, including me. Thank you for sharing and carry on.
scarletsphinx
PS
I like the drawing (I always do...especially in the coloring book). :)
I took my three year old son Logan to the doctor yesterday because I believed he needed his tonsils checked. He snores loudly and has speech problems. Someone from church told me about their nephew who had his tonsils removed and his speech improved. As I thought, Logans tonsils are swollen and he has ear infections again!
The night before his doctor visit there was an article on the news about a child with Autism. I was totally freaked out because the boy they showed reminded me so much of Logan. Just the way he spoke and behaved. So I did a little digging. I found this Autism Characteristic Behavior sheet on the internet. Out of 28 I think we finally decided Logan has 14 symptoms.
I took this information with me to the doctor. When I showed him he started asking questions. He made a copy of my paper for himself and said he wanted to start doing some tests. Logan is scheduled for an EEG tomorrow. It is some sort of sleep test. I think it is to look for neurological abnormalities, if I understood correctly.
Logan also has been having these staring spells that last about thirty seconds or so. I just thought he was tuning me out and being silly. You can shake him and put your face right in front of him and nothing can bring him out of his staring spell until it's over. He usually blinks, looks at me and starts laughing. My mother in law suggested he was having seizures. I told the doctor this as well.
I am so overwhelmed. I just thought Logan had a speech problem. I don't know anything about neurological disorders. I've been trying to read up on autism, but I don't understand it. Some of the symptoms sound a lot like Logan and some don't.
I am glad I found your blog when I did. I'm a strong believer in God and I suppose there was a reason I stopped here to begin with. I think your humor and positivity will be a big help to me in the future. I'm not devastated by this or anything, I love Logan and his behaviors make him even more special to me. No matter what happens we can deal with it. I just don't understand any of this.
I'm rambling now ;) Sorry I'll go do that on my own blog. Keep up the good writing. Thanks again.
There was always, ALWAYS a cold cup of coffee left, forgotten, in the microwave.
We've laughed about that a lot. He has an IQ of 145. Mine is fairly high as well. But, people always assume I am an idiot because of the spacey things I sometimes do.
As for advice, I LOVE helping parents better understand their ADD/ADHD kids. I will take the time to talk to any of them. When I finally found out I had it (senior year in high school) I reacted by doing TONS of research on the subject, even attended EEG Biofeedback therapy seminars, etc... and, as a writer, I can usually find a way to communicate experiences.
Well, before I get into an hour long ADD-tangent, I'll cut myself off and just say "Great Blog!". Thanks for sharing. :)
Once again, you have been an inspiration to me and the ideals I have set for myself. I have been medicating my ADD and depression for a awhile now with great results but I hate the idea of being on medication. I took your advice and went to see a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (I think that's what they are called) and it looks like we will be able to deal with the depression and ADD with some re-training of my brain.
This all comes at a great time as my husband and I just learned yesterday that we are expecting a baby! We both have ADD, Depression and OCD. I have been terrified of the consequences of passing that on to our child and have put it off for nine years. It's comforting to me knowing that this site is here and there are so many other people out there that understand. Thanks and Happy New Year!
By the way, I went into the kitchen three times this morning, each time forgetting why I was there. I didn't remember until I was halfway to work and my stomach was growling... I forgot to make myself breakfast! Story of my life!
Sylvana ~ "I get frustrated at all the extra time and work that I need to do just to come up with the same results as "normal" people. It gets really tiring." Boy, can I relate with that... I think the greatest millstone of AD/HD is the stupid mistakes. So much time wasted fixing careless errors. LOL Sounds like you have a good attitude, though. I'm sure you'll be able to help your 13 year old out.
Finnish girl ~ Hello, again. I can relate with your phone experience. The worst time was when I called up a friend and forgot his name. Just went blank. That was embarrassing. (@_@) I forget why I'm calling somebody so much I've taken to repeating why I'm calling over and over again before I dial. I then tell them the points I want to cover just in case I forget before going into detail. :/
MBD - Minimal Brain Damage. By far my "favorite" label prior to AD/HD... ::)
Analytical thinking has helped me keep on top of things, too. That was great training your received in your previous school.
Elisa ~ :) What has made Depression, AD/HD, etc. difficult to diagnose is that everybody has those feelings or symptoms. We all forget from time to time why we may have come downstairs to the kitchen, for example. What makes these events problematic for people diagnosed with ADHD is the intensity and frequency that these events occur. A "normal" person may have to be pretty tired to put the milk away in the cupboard and the cereal away in the 'fridge, but for me that's a regular event! :) I catch myself every time, but I still make that trip with the milk over to the cupboard...
Finnish girl ~ No apologies needed. At least one side of your brain is working for you. That's better than some people I know! ;)
ScarletSphinx ~ I'm glad you like the coloring pages. Now that I've finished the coloring book I need to work on getting more people to know about it. Be sure to visit my Critters page tomorrow. I hope to have a furry 'F' for you.
KristieSue ~ Relevant rambling is always welcome over here. :) It's the crazy stuff that bears little relation to what I wrote about that bugs me. By sharing your experience you will probably help another mother who will trip across this column. I don't have any experience with autism and other neurological disorders so I'm always happy when somebody can relate their own personal life to something I wrote and share it here. Good luck and God Bless.
TwistedNoggin ~ "There was always, ALWAYS a cold cup of coffee left, forgotten, in the microwave." Dang, I laughed out loud when I read that. I do that ALL the time. Drives my wife mad. Great comments. Hope you drop by again. And speaking of the microwave...I've got some hot cocoa to attend to.
Any advice, no matter how trite it may seem is always useful to me. I think I can certainly identify with Mountain Faerie... people look at me as if to say 'This is your fault, what is wrong with your parenting skills?'...I hate that. I hate that my family is less tolerant of my son than my boyfriends family. My family expects him to goof off or mess up. My boyfriends family just enjoys the time they have with him and they just let him be a 6yr old boy. I don't know where societys' expectation that children should be seen and not heard came from but my 6yr old adhd boy always insists on being heard. I don't mind it, I actually encourage it. There is nothing sadder than seeing a child in a group of children that is just sitting by quietly as the other children are playing. Geez, did that come out right? You know what I mean..... don't you?
Anyway, I have to get to work today after being out ill yesterday. THANK YOU so much for your words of advice. I so look forward to reading more.
*Hugs* (I don't have a beard, no worries!)
Bekah
clumsy-of-me ~ Excellent news! Both about the therapist and your new addition. I hope the therapist works out for you. I like the Cognitive Behavioral approach because it emphasizes coping strategies over medication, thus giving you a more permanent "cure" since medications loose their efficacy over time. It's also not new agey. I remember one therapist I visited that had crystals in her office. (I hope to not offend anyone out there, but vibrating rock therapy strikes me as dopey)
I fretted a lot about passing on ADHD to my first child. She was lucky, as was my second child. They're bright and creative without ADHD. I didn't fret for my third child, but perhaps I should have. I'm fairly certain she has ADHD, but she's such a character I can't imagine her any other way.
OCD can be a byproduct of ADD, as can be Depression, so perhaps you do not need to worry about your child developing those since you and your husband are better equipped and educated than your parents concerning this neurological disorder. Of course, ADD symptoms can be a byproduct of Depression. They're all so closely linked it's hard to say which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Since you can't do anything about it, just take each day in it's time and focus on the positives. With babies there are so many of those. Congratulations.
RANDOM COMMENT: I was looking up info on OCD and came across this link: http://torontosun.jobboom.com/News/2005/07/06/1225972-sun.html. Excellent synopsis of ADHD. Thought I'd share it with anybody who might be interested.
Alyssa ~ My girls thought your picture looked pretty but sad. It really helped make the people who are commenting here, and the problems they deal with, feel real to them. Good luck with your schooling (I used to play the clarinet. Always thought the oboe was interesting but never played it). I wish you luck most of all helping yourself stay positive. Of course, artificial optimism is dopey (reminds me of cheerleaders I used to know) but even the act of trying to stay positive helps offset depression.
Xulujerk ~ Thanks
Bekah ~ Sorry to hear about your own family's cluelessness about ADHD. Some people just don't want to forgive us for being the way we are, but I think more often they simply cannot relate. They can't seem to bend their mind around the idea that being late all the time, for example, isn't a sign of moral weakness. LOL
Tammy ~ As my Mum has told me, each kid with ADHD is different. They have their own unique key to unlocking their learning process. So your job is to discover that key so you can help them "fail" less. Easier said than done, right? ;) Thanks for commenting.
HA!! I can't even count the number of times that I have done something like this. I have not only put the milk in the cupboard, I have put a 5# block of cheese straight from the grocery store in the cupboard. I have also put raw meats in the pantry. I have also walked out of stores without the things that I have just purchased more times than I care to get into, too!
The books are: Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood
and
Delivered from Distraction : Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder
I have read Driven to Distraction and it is an easy read. Please.. I implore all to read this- if only to better understand a loved one or a friend. With the help of this book those of us who have ADD/ADHD can better understand ourselves and figure out ways to go about making our lives better -either with or without medicine.
I wish you all Peace and good health.
Watch those sleep timings. I have much control over my time, but having once worked 6-7 days/week I know what its like. Without adequate rest, even the most brilliant mind will fail to perform. Heh.
Its great that you are so supportive of yer kids, man. It took me years and fighting a constant uphill battle to gain similar ground with mine(parents)
Its just hard being different, doesn't matter what the difference is, eh?
I have this problem that when some women wear revealing stuff and walk by my eyes always dart to them, whether I feel like it or not.
Not really my fault ya know. I'm damn easily distracted sometimes..
If I could wish anything for your child and your friends child (and for you), it would be the certainty that the pearl exists. Is worth waiting for.
I don't have ADHD. I have epilepsy instead. Words disappear from my mind. Instructions given to me mere moments ago evaporate. Luckily, the people in my life value me enough to wait for the words, to repeat the instructions, to trust that I'm worth the trouble.
Finally, it never hurts to double check your work.
I have found you delightful and interesting, and though I've never been diagnosed with ADD, I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say!
I've linked you to my blog, in the hopes that I will be able to keep up with your current thoughts!
Thank you :)
Now I'm an "absent-minded" humorist.
Seriously, though I have to write everything down, especially when talking to family--I can't keep track otherwise. My mind wanders off to la la land. Sometimes on the phone I have to get rid of all distractions by turning off the lights and closing my eyes and putting my finger in the other ear.
^..^
Since your daughter is only seven, have you simply thought of keeping her at home to educate her? It seems as though it is an answer that never gets approached. You seem to understand the problem and helping your daughter with homework seems a good idea. However when she returns to the school, government school no doubt, they do not know how or the best way to approach the problem. My guess is if you were to pull her out, even for a little while you would see great improvement. Not only in math but in her relationship to you, and the res of the family, unless it is simply the two of you. It is my opinion that this idea of adhd is not more than a construct of humanist socialist doctrine to catagorize people they, the government school teachers, cannot, and do not know how to teach. I have spent time in various situations and a friend of mine pointed out that teachers these days spend more time on "how to teach" rather than what to teach. You know as well as I that there are only a few principles of basic math and grammar we use in general communication. If you were to teach her these things and how to apply them in everyday life you will be very suprised at how fast her life will be filled with joy of learning. Isn't it about time that we, people, raise our children instead of the state? I am also sure that you are aware of the continual degredation of current children in our country. Has the thought, it wasn't that way when I went to school, crossed your mind. How do you think it is going, better or worse? We, as a country pour millions of dollars into a social society, not much different than the countries the founding fathers of this nation left due to circumstances there. So as pump more and more dollars into the state eduacation of our children, the society declines into the current trend of laziness, calling out to government god for hand outs, and control of competition. Granted these are only a few issues, it goes much deeper. If you want to see how much your daughter can learn, the best way is for you to observe it. Do you recall how quickly she learned to speak, walk, and feed herself, just think of the influence you will be able to have, if you are not constantly trying to build her esteem each time she comes home from the government institution. There are, my guess, many others near you that would be more than happy to assist you in home education of your child. I use home education, because bringing the "school" home is not the answer. I hope if anything you might consider it.
Cause u once mentioned difficulty concentrating given the large volume of comments. ::grins::
Tell me..
I made it to the Cognitive Behavioral Specialist. What a great feeling to know that I will be able to actively work on these issues while pregnant without the medication. I really enjoyed the process with the therapist and have a bright outlook on the ability to work with the ADD and depression rather than fight it every step of the way. I already feel more energized! Just wanted to thank you for the previous suggestion of the C.B.T. option. If you hadn't brought it up, I'd have been a basket case the moment I found out I was pregnant and could no longer take my medicine. Instead I have been able to enjoy each and every moment of the joys of cenception, gestation and eventually motherhood. Thanks.
By the way, I found my favorite blueberry jelly this morning. It was in the cabinet above the dryer in the laundry room. My husband scratched his head when we found it. Not because he has no idea how it got there, we are both ADD so it happens often, we just couldn't figure out which one of us put it there.
What a joy it is to be able to laugh about the things that have always made me feel seperate from the "normal" people. It is funny but can be so frustrating when you feel like no one else understands and you are contantly hiding these oversights or space outs from other people. Truly refreshing...
Take a look at my blogs at www.vst1.blogspot.com and please don't be offended by them if you disegree with me then just try and educate me.
When I worked at Indiana Deveolpmental Training Center (a facility for kids with both mental and emotional handicaps, many of whom also had ADHD) we used with great success the principles from Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach. It's been something that I've recommended to my friends with high-intensity kids ever since.
The other thing I read much more recently. Starting on page 16 of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Mr. Covey tells a prersonal story about how he & his wife set out to help a struggling son, and ended up making significant changes in themselves instead. It's a pretty interesting story yet. I haven't gotten to the actual habits yet in my reading, but the introduction is worth the time.
Essex Gal - Couldn't find where you blogged it, but thank you. Glad you've been enjoying the blog. Things were really hopping around here while I was on the "Blogs of Note" list over at blogger.com. It will be fun to see what type of community I am left with now that my blog has rolled off that list.
slave faithy - Very good point! Although standard doctors can prescribe psychotropic medications, it is not within their specialty. I would encourage people to not use just any standard psychologist as well. Search out one that specializes in depression, or AD/HD, or whatever is your particular issue. I urge caution when considering medication, and, as you would with a standard doctor before going under the knife, seek a second opinion.
Alyssa - Your comment made me laugh. I am constantly wracking up fines over at the library. It's terrible. I would say it is the only bill I seem to forget about all the time!! Driven to Distraction is a fascinating book. My copy is highlighted all over and ragged from use.
Anon - LOL You scanned the comments a bit too quickly! Alyssa just mentioned that book two comments above yours, plus I have a big link to it on every page of my blog. You wouldn't happen to have AD/HD, would you? ;)
It's nice to have other people endorse the book. I found it rather insightful. Although books (and tests and psychotherapy sessions...) that focus on lists of things wrong with you can trigger depression and feelings of self-worthlessness I found H&R's book not to have that effect on me. Perhaps because the writing style, although clinical and professional, was almost loving and certainly respectful of people who have AD/HD.
Haven't read "Driven to Distraction", but I am currently reading "Answers to Distraction". Peace to you as well and thanks for commenting.
Elisa - My life IS a jinx! LOL. I covered that extensively in the early part of last year. I am still the only one to step in wet spills on a busy kitchen floor. Just yesterday, in fact. I have to change my socks twice a day sometimes. I understand that kids spill things. I just don't understand why I'm the only one who steps in what they spill. I can be sitting still and they'll still spill on me. It's pathetic, really. But my 11 year old finds it terribly entertaining...
This would be the first case of my jinxy existence spilling over into somebody else's life.
"Doing a Douglas" I sure hope that's not an expression that catches on... :p LOL
Cynthia - Well, the wonderful thing about getting a diagnosis (and I intended that to sound funny) is that finally you can stop thinking "What is WRONG with me!?" You now know what is wrong. You have a name for it. A list of conditions. AND you are plugged into a medical and social community that can provide you with coping strategies. I wish you two the best of luck.
SaMxXx - Thanks for dropping by. I had a Bishop (my local ecclesiastical leader) once ask me, in all seriousness and with a great deal of incredulity, "Why is depression a disability?" I tried explaining to him that everybody experiences sadness from time to time, but people with depression experience is more frequently, often for no reason at all, and much deeper than the average person. The chemicals in our brain that regulate those feelings are out of balance. They overcompensate. Whereas a normal person might be devastated to have a family member die, we can feel that way everyday. He accepted what I said politely, but he didn't believe it. He was of the type to think "Just shake it off..."
The shame is he was right, but his heart was not in the right place when he thought it (if I can be so bold as to comment on the state of his heart). We do need to shake it off in order to cope with life, but not "Shake it off, you stupid loser. You're making a big deal out of nothing. You make me sick, you lousy whiner." Instead, it should be "Shake it off. You've got to put these feelings behind you so you can live and function and enjoy the world around you. Shake it off, even if it's just to push the sadness into the background. You can do it. I'm hear to help."
One thing that having neurological disabilities has taught me is to have an open mind about other people's problems. I have been faced with such cruel and ignorant prejudice in my life that when I stopped being bitter about it I could suddenly see my own prejudice when dealing with other people and make the appropriate changes in my thinking. Well, I'm open minded about everything except people who don't like black licorice. ;) It's great stuff! Why can't more people like it? What is WRONG with them? LOL
Univeral Mutha - I knew writing about how NOT to live one's life would be inspirational to somebody...one of those few instances where "do as I say, not as I do" is valid advice. LOL I'm glad you enjoy my column. And great suggestions about earplugs and facing walls. Anything that works to cut down distractions...
All That I Know About Life - I am skeptical that yoga can cure a neurological disorder caused by possible chromosomal damage but certainly chemical imbalances in the mind. Then again, Time magazine just did a piece on how daily meditation actually reshapes the brain and thickens the grey matter thus improving impulse control. Maybe there's something to it.
Cala Lily - Double checking. I just introduced that concept to my 7 year old. She topped her 1+1=0 problem this week. She left 0-0= blank, along with a bunch of other problems. She became too distracted coloring the fruit the test featured as visual examples. Bless her heart. So I taught her to lightly pencil check marks off on each problem as she finishes them, then to double check them to make sure the answers are correct before erasing the marks.
My brother has epilepsy, and although I realize that how epilepsy affects you is unique to each individual, he is now a professor so I find that inspirational. Epilepsy affected his language centers so that he had a difficult time learning a new language. He spent a few years using a tutor to learn Italian because having a degree with a second language was a requirement for graduate work. Then he had a seizure and forget his Italian. Fortunately for him he had passed the requirement before that occurred.
I'm glad you found friends and loved ones who are patient with you. I know from my brother's example how important that it, and how frustrating that disability can be. Thanks for commenting.
Marth Lea - Very true. My other kids need patience and understanding as well, except in different ways...
Milotchka - Thanks for the kind words. Having a good attitude takes a lot of work when you screw up all the time, but I found it crucial to improving my life, and my world view. One of my goals of writing this column has been to help people who don't have these problems understand them better. I can't express enough how glad I am to read that I have been successful at this.
Teshuvah - Great tips. :) I find myself plugging both ears when reading text on my laptop when the kids get too noisy. It's not just because they are noisy, but because their noise seems to cancel out any cogent thought I happened to be forming at the moment. LOL
ViVi - Medications do work for some people, and when taken in tandem with a CBT or an AD/HD specialist they can be a very effective method of treating whatever neurological malady you are dealing with. My point is to emphasize how important it is to not rely on medications to the exclusion of other coping strategies. That can be, in my opinion, very irresponsible. People trust doctors implicitly, almost too much so. And doctors are used to medications curing physical ailments, so this attitude has crossed over into methods of treating the mind. As you point out, medications should be complimentary to our regimen - a tool to implement like a crutch. It's just that I like to believe that one day we won't need the crutches. In my case, the crutches hurt me so bad I had to learn to walk without them.
raymee - You shouldn't assume I haven't considered home schooling because I haven't written about it here. I realize you believe that ADHD is a "construct of humanist socialist doctrine", but you don't understand the situation fully if you think that I am qualified to educate my kid full time. There are not many others near me that would be happy to help me home school my kid, as you suggest. I would be on my own and as forgetful and distracted as I am, that would be a terrible thing to do to my daughter. Besides, she likes school, especially the social aspect of it, something home schooling cannot provide. Your ideals and wishful thinking have no bearing on the reality of our life, which, I must add, you have no intimate knowledge of. I know this seems a harsh rebuke, especially considering how strongly you feel about the subject, but you have overstepped your bounds a bit here. There is so much more to my life than the little windows I open for you here.
I have been hyperactive/hyperkinetic/ADD/ADHD since long before school and long afterwards. This isn't a figment of some fascist imagination bent on control or ostracism. AD/HD is a real neurological disorder. Say what you will about the poor state of public education, but that won't change the reality of AD/HD for me or for my daughter.
The "government institution" didn't tear down my daughter's self-esteem. Her own failure and recognition of failure did. You are naive if you believe that home schooling my daughter will make AD/HD magically go away. I can appreciate your passion, but you oversimplify my life if you think home schooling will be the panacea my daughter's attention span needs. If anything, school provides structure that my home does not. Remember, I have AD/HD. That means I'm easily distracted, too. Talk about the blind leading the blind...
I'm quite happy supplementing my daughter's education and giving her the skills to fit into this world she's growing up in. And school has the resources and staff to keep her busy and entertained for hours. When school stops doing that for her, when the "government institution" is the source of her self-doubt, then I'll look into alternatives. Until then I simply don't see things the same way you do.
Sol - I'd love for a link. Thank you.
shapesmith - You bring up some good points. There are negative aspects to the format of formal education. I have to admit that I didn't fit in well with that format at all. It bored the life out of me. But home schooling has its own downsides. There is the isolation children feel from being cut off from the other kids in the neighborhood, the lack of social skills home schooled kids typically have (in my experience), the lack of quality of the education when the family lacks funds, and the poor quality of the teaching. Overstated? Yes! That's my point! I just painted a bad picture of home schooling, but I could paint a good picture as well. It depends on the home doing the schooling. You can find good and bad examples of both teaching styles. I drive my kids across town because the school in our district is a high risk school with regular police visits, drugs, bullying, premature dating, and it's just an elementary school. Compare that to the school my kids currently attend, and the difference is night and day. The same can be said of home schooled kids. Some get a better experience and some get an inferior experience. As they say, your mileage may vary. The point is that the quality of the experience can't be easily generalized. Public school is not necessarily evil. Home school is not necessarily divine. Do your research. Choose the best path for the child, not your ideals.
And we are way, WAY off topic now.
vivi - Well stated.
clumsy-of-me - Thanks for sharing all of that. I loved the story about the blueberry jelly. I'm also glad to hear you have found success with a CBT. I'm also impressed that you are mindful of what you put into your body. So many mothers out there don't think twice about the poisons they feed their gestating child. Good for you.
If you return to medication after the pregnancy you will find you will make better use of your medicated time now. Spending ten months learning how to cope without medication will really be a boon for you, especially since the CBT will help you learn how to manage yourself better. Good luck and keep me posted.
devin - Thanks for dropping by, even if it was a distraction. ;) I'm not sure what advice to give you. I don't use any medications. I'm far too sensitive to the side effects. If you want to continue using meds, I'd go see an AD/HD specialist or a Cognitive Behavior Therapist to make sure you are also learning coping strategies to improve your life, and your son's.
helena - I bet my column is really funny if you just read every 8th word. Does it still make any sense? LOL Here's hoping you have the focus to read a whole post next time. :)
muhamad - Thanks.
melissa - You are too kind. Let's hold off on any more compliments on my parenting skills until my daughter is living on her own and old enough to write "Daddy Dearest". If she makes it that far and DOESN'T write a Tell All about me, then I'll consider my efforts a success. LOL
sbk6 - You just described my life. By the time I was 25 I had had 33 jobs. Hang in there. Now that you've identified what is going on in your brain you can start anticipating some of the pitfalls and begin avoiding them. You will also learn about your positive traits and perhaps you'll be able to find a job you can not only keep but also enjoy. Good luck.
ritsumei - Thanks for writing. My wife just started working for Franklin Covey and came home with that book. I'll have to go look up that story.
paradox - That's great you found an understanding professor. I remember too clearly one art professor that yelled at me in front of class "What do you want from me?" He was so frustrated. I never showed up to class (it was at 8am), took an uncomfortably zealous (to him) interest in his art book collection (He may never realize it but I will always thank him for inadvertently introducing me to Andrew Loomis), and I always aced the tests. I seemed the classic slacker but I always tested well. Drove him mad. How nice for you that you found an accommodating and understanding instructor. Also good that you are not disliking yourself anymore. Good luck with your studies.
Yes I do have AD/HD.. and (no offense to others) but I don't read many of the other comments mainly because I constantly find myself being described by their writings. It's a downer to see all the negative junk we AD/HD people live with/go through.. so I try to focus on the positive -especially since my medicine isn't working anymore and the noise is back.
I'll try to do better in the future. :)
As for your meds' efficacy I'm sorry to hear it's letting you down. It is one reason why I encourage people to develop coping strategies to learn how to live with the noise since medications can fail us. You really can live with the noise. It's not easy or fun, but it is possible. Some people avoid medication just because they like the positive attributes of AD/HD and meds can interfere with those. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
what is your strategy for coping with the noise? I find it particulary difficult when trying to read important papers, articles - whatever- and I have absolutely no retention of the material. Not remembering anything I read a few days ago is very discouraging.
I'm pretty good about the notes to self, using a palm pilot for dates to remember etc..
any ideas would be welcome. Thanks!
I cope with noise by using noise. For sleeping I use white ambient noise. My current favorite is Hawaiian rainfall recordings. It helps mute the outside noise that keeps me up, or the dead silence of night that keeps me up as well.
For blocking out background noise when I'm trying to read or write requires music. I plug my iPod in, choose some undistracting music, and happily tune out the world around me.
Hope that helps. I think I may blog about this...