AD/HD: Dealing with Distractibility
This week was going to be a departure from my usual Adult ADHD topics. I was going to cover my session Monday with my Cognitive Behavior Therapist. Some people had expressed interest in what that was all about. Too bad I forgot to go.
Let's see. I had the reminder phone call from the secretary. I had my PDA set to beep at me. There were no scheduling conflicts. Kids were picked up on time. So what happened? Well, I got caught up helping my kids and didn't have my PDA by my side1. Out of earshot, out of mind.
But my humiliation makes great grist for a column on easy distractibility, the mainstay of the AD/HD mind. Coincidentally, the very next criteria Hallowell and Ratey list for Adult ADHD
is this very topic.
As evidence that at least one of them has Adult ADHD, Hallowell and Ratey list the most commonly known attributes of ADHD as number eight, somewhere after pathological boredom and bad breath.
8. Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an ability to hyperfocus at times.
The hallmark symptom of ADD. The "tuning out" is quite involuntary. It happens when the person isn't looking, so to speak, and the next thing you know, he or she isn't there. The often extraordinary ability to hyperfocus is also usually present, emphasizing the fact that this is a syndrome not of attention deficit but of attention inconsistency.
It's a wonder any of my paper route customers ever got a paper when I was in High School. There were so many distractions pulling at my attention. Forest paths, dirt roads, ponds, juvenile delinquency, etc. Then there was always the busy stage within my mind filled with ideas and daydreams. With all the distractions going through my head I'm lucky I didn't ride my bike into a tree. Some may say that all young men have this problem (distractibility, not riding into trees), and young girls, too. And they may be right, but most kids grow out of it. The ability to focus is seen as a sign of maturity as children learn to be productive. In comparison, kids with ADHD are seen as immature, and their adult counterparts are seen as cartoon characters. The only adults with AD/HD who are respected are those that are dead or have internet startup companies2.
Because society doesn't tolerate failure, there are an awful lot of angry and bitter adults with AD/HD out there. Some of them leave me comments. They take umbrage with my light-hearted approach to disability. They dismiss me as "cute" or claim I don't fully understand the issues at stake. Perhaps they feel if I trivialize AD/HD I trivialize them. Well, I've tried the sober approach. All it did for me was make me uptight, grumpy, and no fun to be around. Now look at me! Shamelessly absentminded and invited to parties every weekend - any day now. Just think how popular I'd be if I actually made my meetings.
Of course, making light of screw ups doesn't mean I make excuses for myself, but I won't beat myself up either. Nothing breeds distractions like a good blue funk brought on by brow beating. I just wish more people in positions of authority realized this. Although it is true that discipline and willpower are the attributes that help people focus and accomplish great things, telling somebody with ADHD to "stop dilly-dallying", "hurry up and get it done", or "stop fidgeting around and pay attention" doesn't build character the way they think it does. It is more like telling somebody who is colorblind to separate the eggshell white cards from the antique white ones then getting mad when they can't.
Distraction sure isn't colorblind. We all experience it, but being distracted to the point of irritating others takes the kind of talent only AD/HD people have. Years ago my wife wouldn't allow me to cook because I'd constantly melt pans on the stove when cooking ramen. I'd get distracted drawing and forget all about them. Of course, I'm an expert at cooking ramen now. Even spaghetti. I may branch out into manicotti one of these days. But this is because we analyzed how I worked and figured a way to help me stay on track. If my wife had just yelled at me for ruining her pans I'd still be melting them today. Recognize our limitations, teach us to work around them, and you'll soon have less to get frustrated about.
Well, within reason. We can no more NOT be distracted than you can NOT be frustrated when we make you late, or forget to put gas in the car, or tune out when you're trying to talk to us. But our heart is in the right place. If yours is too we could meet in the middle somewhere and get along just fine. Focus, like patience, takes effort and practice.
As for my recent cock up, I've called and rescheduled. I even left an apology. If he chooses to charge me, then he charges me. I really can't help that; I did miss the appointment. I have a feeling, though, he's used to that sort of thing. He has AD/HD himself.
Coping Strategies:
1) Keep that PDA by your side!
2) Would you work at a paint store picking swatches of color for customers if you were colorblind? No, neither would I. Then why do we work at jobs that expose our AD/HD weaknesses while ignoring our strengths? Perhaps it's because we want to do the job but don't give enough study to whether we can do the job. Adults with AD/HD who have figured this out are happier at their jobs and more successful all around because they work within their strengths. They have found jobs where their AD/HD is either not exposed, or is even an asset.
technorati tags: Absentminded, ADD, ADHD, AD/HD, Coping_Strategies, Distractibility, Distraction, Focus, Hyperfocus, PDA
Comments
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Now ONLY if we could get all the teachers of the world to understand this point. The example I have used during hugely frustrating IEP meetings is this: When you refuse to honor one of his accommodation's because it is "unfair to the other kids", it is like asking a kid to SEE the board while taking away his glasses and then punishing him when he can't see it. I have to work very hard on this one in terms of forgiveness.
sandra ~ I absolutely LOVE your analogy. I like it better than mine. ;) The problem with these educators is that they do not believe the child CAN'T pay attention. They see it as a discipline problem - one of maturity and skill. Therefore your child will always be deficient to them.
For me, I received disciplinary grades all the way into college. The "you did A+ work but you were tardy so much it wouldn't be fair to the other students to give that to you..." sort of thing. Gosh, I hated them. As a young man I simply didn't know I could rake them over the coals for that sort of behavior. I allowed it to happen without incident until I just gave up on college altogether. (Well, that and it was more fun to start my own business)
And I have to admit I have not forgiven them yet. Resentment bubbles up all over again just thinking about it. That's why I am going to be the DAD FROM HELL™ in regards to my own AD/HD daughter. Those types of teachers are in for it if they try that form of "education" on her. I know how to work the system now. Mwahahahahaa!
~Douglas
Nice article. Good points! I just discovered your blog and websites and you are quite a creative, insightful fellow. I'll be back....
Terry Matlen
Just spent the week at the farm with my parents...more convinced than ever that my old man has the ADD. He has to start rolling lawns as soon as the freeze is out and the ground is solid. What's he doing? Transplanting a new engine/trans into his truck, and doing a body job on it. Had to drop 3 other projects to do this. Drives my mother CRAZY. I think I need to loan her the Hallowell & Ratey which I haven't finished because I'm too distracted. Ha ha. Dad's a very bright and misunderstood guy. Much like myself, and my girl!
I appreciate the perspective you share through this blog. I lost all my bookmarks a few weeks back and finally remembered your blog name. Glad I found it again :) Your insight helps me understand my son better. So much better! Your analogies (and those of your commentors) are perfect for relaying info to adults who don't get it.
Thanks again!
Heidi the Hick ~ :) I inherited my ADD from my Dad as well.
achromic ~ Heh. You know me too well.
Deb ~ Welcome back! I love the comments here, don't you? I had hoped when I began this blog over a year ago to attract these types of commenters, but never imagined there's be so many. It's really quite humbling.
Sandra ~ Oh, don't worry about it. It's high time I put that stuff behind me. Forgiveness is really about saving the soul of the forgiver, not the offender, anyway. :)
I wish I could spread the word about this column better. More people out there need to participate in these discussions so they don't feel alone. A lot of ADHD blogs focus on ADHD info in the news, most others are front ends for ADHD coaches (not necessarily a bad thing), but I've read more frustrated posts out there than any other type. People in denial, people with lousy self-esteem, people who feel they deserve the garbage dumped on them. Whatever solution people use to treat their depression or AD/HD or what have you, I just wish more of them would try optimism. A healthy attitude makes such a difference. And the belief they can overcome it. This column really stands out there on its own with that message.
If any of you know of others that are trying to address ADHD with an upbeat attitude, please let me know about them. If I like them I want to link them here.
Suzanne ~ Thank you for your kind words. I have been experimenting with the "Web 2.0" text cloud effect to add visual interest to my layout. I've worried though that it might be too distracting, considering who my readers are. LOL But I like it's effect and will use it again in the future, but more judiciously.
Thanks, everyone!
I have always been overcritisizing and judgemental towards myself and have a tendency to mope and throw myself pity parties, really. But since I started to read your blog, I noticed what a difference the change in attitude has made. To be able to give yourself slack and just laugh if you do something that you normally would think as the most humiliating thing in the world... that is something I had to learn. Now I laugh like a hyena about some silly things and smile a whole lot more. My family thinks that I seriously need some medication, lol! =]
I have set myself goals; to study educational science and special pedagogy. I mean, I am not going to apply for another school but just to educate myself.
Lists, lists about lists, and more lists.
:}
Finnish Girl ~ Learning to laugh at myself was the hardest thing I ever learned to do. I had internalized all the negativity from teachers and bosses about my "short comings". I allowed them to shape my self-esteem by their approval, whether they were in my life or not. I'm glad to hear that you're making progress. Just don't freak your family out too much! LOL
ScarletSphinx ~ I like making lists. It's just referring to them that is the problem. ;)
I enjoy your style and find myself laughing out loud and nodding as I read.
I liked the subtle font/size changes as well. It was a bit distracting - what isn't - but in a good "ooohh, it's a puzzle!" kind of way.
melissa ~ Glad you persevered! I always enjoy hearing from you.
Picture this: a job where office hours can't really exist, where abstract reading and thinking are imperative, and where hanging out with high-energy teenagers is key to success.
Sounds amazing, huh? I believe that God will lead me in life's decisions if I let Him, and He certainly led me to youth ministry! It's wonderful! And my ADD doesn't get me fired! (Provided I actually plan some activities for the teens.) My ADD-driven creativity keeps me thinking outside the box, and having fun.
By the way, I have a Bible verse for the ADD. "Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: 'This is the right road. Walk down this road.'"
(Isaiah 30:20-21, the Message translation)
they cannot understand that i do it out of fear or genuine concern that i cannot get certain things done.
excellent @ certain things, useless @ others, thats what i am. and only some poeple can see that.
makes me want to scream!!!
pardon me, very high on frustration lately.
also..i love yer new pic ;)
I have not seen that handbook, btw. But my wife has the book and it's on my list of things to read. I just finished reading Levin Thumps and now am reading Mystery Cats of the World so you can see that self-help books are very high on my list.
Tucker ~ I'm glad that you've found an occupation that works for you. Thanks for sharing that. More people with AD/HD need to find their niche, though I do admit that most jobs out there are very AD/HD hostile.
Sol ~ I feel your pain, friend. But you aren't alone. I spent my late twenties developing some very deeply rooted fears. I had always believed that the sky was not the limit. I believed that I could do anything I set my mind to - even reach the stars. Then I rammed full force into that glass AD/HD ceiling. That really took the wind out of my sails. I was about 25 at the time and suddenly my world was a whole lot bleaker and hopeless than it had ever been in my life. Learning that I was my own worst enemy and that I couldn't rely on myself to stay on track to follow my own dreams did terrible things to my self-esteem.
Now I know the trick is to understand myself better so I can play to my strengths and work around my weaknesses. But it's frustrating, especially when others are so ignorant and just write you off as a loser.
The most frustrating part of AD/HD for me is the inconsistency. If I could just trust myself to be one way or another for certain periods of time I could make bigger plans, but AD/HD doesn't work that way.
I wish I could help you feel less frustrated. That's one reason I write what I do, but they're just words. Hopefully you'll find your own answers.
Glad you like my new pic. And thank you, as ever, for your great comments.
~Douglas
i faced a mid-age crisis @ 25. absolutely hated the last 6+ years..
i know can do things beyond the limitation of many poeple..but am emotionally unstable.
sometimes its like theres two different poeple in me, crying to be free of their mutual prison. ::sigh:: im almost an mpd, and it sucks unlike in the movies!!
people dont know anything beyond their meagre experience sometimes. they dont allow themselves to.
sometimes genius walks hand in hand with near-crippling disability..
u planning to write books on this, pal??
the pleasure is mine. sorry fer cracking under pressure. i cant take too much more of this.
I can spend the rest of my life hating myself for not having a 6 figure income with a house, two cars, and a retirement plan. I can hate myself for having AD/HD and Depression and Insomnia and Sleep Apnea and Chronic Motor Tic Disorder and a weak immunity system and bad luck (Oh, it never ends. I just don't blog about it anymore. I think I was boring people). I'm on disability. It's like being a certified loser! I have a full plate of things wrong with me. But all that negativity makes for a stressful life. Instead I can make the best of things.
I don't mean to lecture you, friend. I'm just earnestly trying to tell you that you can do it. I know it's hard. I know it's tiring. But the alternative is to just continue on the way you are now and you know that's not working for you. If you are bipolar then your goal should be to minimize the peaks. Hey, we'll never be normal, but that's not such a bad thing, right? LOL Who wants to be normal? Sounds boring to me. But having our brains out of whack and sending us on emotional rollercoaster rides isn't any fun. So don't give up hope. Just work towards leveling off those highs and lows. You'll probably be a moody guy for the rest of your life, but I bet you can be happier.
Start by liking yourself. I like you. Other people who visit your blog like you. You need to like you.
As for writing a book about this stuff, the thought has crossed my mind. ;)
sometimes i hate myself. i want to wake up a normal person.
by normal i mean not just lack of possible mental conditions but to feel, think and function as they do.
during an emergency, im one of the cool-headed people getting things done. in daily life, the mere thought of handling a job with administrative paperwork chills me to the bone.
the worst part is, alot of people dont belive me when i say thats just the way things are. they think im bluffing and trying to get attention.
hey, if i wanted attention i'd dress in drag and pick up ice skating.
my problem is the moods. then again, maybe my real problem is living with poeple. sometimes they find it so easy to pass insults and judgment. hey, nobodys perfect. not even the normal people.
i really need to start lookin on the bright side, though. thanks for being around fer me.