Can You Stop Disability As Easily As You Stop Biting Your Nails?
Update 2016: This article was featured in my book "Saying NO to Suicide", with added commentary.
I'd like to change the tone this week and answer a question one of my readers asked about a process I take for granted. This process is such a fundamental part of my life now, and I've written about it so much here, that I sometimes forget that not everybody has read my earlier columns. The process is called "closing the gap" and it involves shortening the moment between recognizing you are in the heat of an undesirable behavior and the moment before you begin that undesirable behavior.
Everyone who learns to manage a disability or shortcoming in their life gathers a bag of tricks that helps them along the way. Learning to "close the gap" is one of the many tricks I have discovered that helps me regulate depression and AD/HD. I can't say I'm perfect at it. After all, I spent a great deal of time reading news again this morning instead of writing this blog. However I don't spend months anymore lost in a cloud of confusion or black mood. With effort, for example, I've learned how to close the gap between the moment I realized I was depressed and the moment I began to feel depressed. As for AD/HD, the greatest boon to helping my AD/HD was my PDA, but I used the "closing the gap" technique to work wonders there as well. Now I can "deftly" balance my fulltime Dad duties while pursuing my dreams, something that is still difficult but was definitely impossible before.
Unfortunately, unlike the reader who sincerely wanted to know how I closed the gap, some of the people who come across this column are skeptical that this process can be done with common problems like depression or AD/HD. Others find this technique inaccessible. The very mental condition they hope to control impedes their best efforts to improve so telling them to "just go do it" isn't very helpful. As with any project, however, the secret to success is knowing how to break the project into smaller steps.
"Closing the gap" is actually a very simple process but the steps can be large ones to take depending on the problem you are trying to conquer. Everyone has to utilize this technique to break bad habits like biting nails or cussing. What you may not realize is that this same technique can be used to deal with neurological issues. For some reason, however, our society teaches us that either we shouldn't be having mental troubles in the first place or that they require special treatment. This can make the process needlessly complicated. To keep things simple the goal I make is to reduce the behavior, not eliminate it. In fact, I don't believe that I'll eradicate depression or AD/HD at all; I simply want to reduce their impact on my life. Here's how this process can be applied to tackling depression:
First, learn to recognize when you are depressed. This may sound dopey, but often we are so busy dealing with our overwhelming feelings that we fail to see that what we are feeling isn't the only reality. Recognizing depression does you no good, however, if you decide to stay down in the dumps. Teach yourself how to push away its debilitating effects. Find the activities unique to you that elevate your mood.
Second, improve your ability to recognize when you are depressed, or in other words shorten the time between the onset of the mood and the end of it. This will take time and practice, but the end result will be rewarding.
Third, recognize when you are slipping into depression. Work with your friends, family, or therapist to make this step happen. You can take the bite out of depression if you actively uplift your mood before depression drags you down.
Fourth, recognize the signs before you slip into depression. This was actually the most challenging step for me, but it's worth fighting for even if it takes you years to accomplish. Heading the mood off at the pass is how I keep the most debilitating aspects of depression from entering my life.
When using this process to reduce AD/HD behavior I have found I need to target specific AD/HD problems and not AD/HD as a whole. For example, although I still read RSS feeds like a crack hungry junkie, I don't forget to get my kids at school, double spend my money, or make expensive impulse purchases. I do make it to work on time and finish projects I begin. I tackle one problem at a time. Unlike nail biting, I can't eliminate all AD/HD absentmindedness using this technique, but I can train myself to close the gap between accident and impulse and improve my life drastically.
Remember, if you ever had to kick a bad habit before you know you must want to stop the bad habit more than you want to continue doing it. The desire to improve empowers you. Disabilities aren't bad habits, but the same process can improve our lives. Currently, I am at the second stage of conquering my news addiction. I am closing that gap between firing up the browser and noticing I got distracted again. I have faith I'll close that gap to the point I can catch myself before going into a reading frenzy. This process works for me. Maybe it will work for you as well.
I'd like to change the tone this week and answer a question one of my readers asked about a process I take for granted. This process is such a fundamental part of my life now, and I've written about it so much here, that I sometimes forget that not everybody has read my earlier columns. The process is called "closing the gap" and it involves shortening the moment between recognizing you are in the heat of an undesirable behavior and the moment before you begin that undesirable behavior.
Everyone who learns to manage a disability or shortcoming in their life gathers a bag of tricks that helps them along the way. Learning to "close the gap" is one of the many tricks I have discovered that helps me regulate depression and AD/HD. I can't say I'm perfect at it. After all, I spent a great deal of time reading news again this morning instead of writing this blog. However I don't spend months anymore lost in a cloud of confusion or black mood. With effort, for example, I've learned how to close the gap between the moment I realized I was depressed and the moment I began to feel depressed. As for AD/HD, the greatest boon to helping my AD/HD was my PDA, but I used the "closing the gap" technique to work wonders there as well. Now I can "deftly" balance my fulltime Dad duties while pursuing my dreams, something that is still difficult but was definitely impossible before.
Unfortunately, unlike the reader who sincerely wanted to know how I closed the gap, some of the people who come across this column are skeptical that this process can be done with common problems like depression or AD/HD. Others find this technique inaccessible. The very mental condition they hope to control impedes their best efforts to improve so telling them to "just go do it" isn't very helpful. As with any project, however, the secret to success is knowing how to break the project into smaller steps.
"Closing the gap" is actually a very simple process but the steps can be large ones to take depending on the problem you are trying to conquer. Everyone has to utilize this technique to break bad habits like biting nails or cussing. What you may not realize is that this same technique can be used to deal with neurological issues. For some reason, however, our society teaches us that either we shouldn't be having mental troubles in the first place or that they require special treatment. This can make the process needlessly complicated. To keep things simple the goal I make is to reduce the behavior, not eliminate it. In fact, I don't believe that I'll eradicate depression or AD/HD at all; I simply want to reduce their impact on my life. Here's how this process can be applied to tackling depression:
First, learn to recognize when you are depressed. This may sound dopey, but often we are so busy dealing with our overwhelming feelings that we fail to see that what we are feeling isn't the only reality. Recognizing depression does you no good, however, if you decide to stay down in the dumps. Teach yourself how to push away its debilitating effects. Find the activities unique to you that elevate your mood.
Second, improve your ability to recognize when you are depressed, or in other words shorten the time between the onset of the mood and the end of it. This will take time and practice, but the end result will be rewarding.
Third, recognize when you are slipping into depression. Work with your friends, family, or therapist to make this step happen. You can take the bite out of depression if you actively uplift your mood before depression drags you down.
Fourth, recognize the signs before you slip into depression. This was actually the most challenging step for me, but it's worth fighting for even if it takes you years to accomplish. Heading the mood off at the pass is how I keep the most debilitating aspects of depression from entering my life.
When using this process to reduce AD/HD behavior I have found I need to target specific AD/HD problems and not AD/HD as a whole. For example, although I still read RSS feeds like a crack hungry junkie, I don't forget to get my kids at school, double spend my money, or make expensive impulse purchases. I do make it to work on time and finish projects I begin. I tackle one problem at a time. Unlike nail biting, I can't eliminate all AD/HD absentmindedness using this technique, but I can train myself to close the gap between accident and impulse and improve my life drastically.
Remember, if you ever had to kick a bad habit before you know you must want to stop the bad habit more than you want to continue doing it. The desire to improve empowers you. Disabilities aren't bad habits, but the same process can improve our lives. Currently, I am at the second stage of conquering my news addiction. I am closing that gap between firing up the browser and noticing I got distracted again. I have faith I'll close that gap to the point I can catch myself before going into a reading frenzy. This process works for me. Maybe it will work for you as well.
Comments
Secondly, I want to say that many people who contact me "get it". They understand that pills don't teach skills and that they need to do all that they can to facilitate their own existence. Others seem to be defined by their disabilities, however. A life filled with disappointments, cruelty, and failures has left them cynical, bitter, and disillusioned. They lack faith in themselves, or as I worded it in another article, they don't buy into all this Mary Sunshine crap. Likewise, the people who live in denial occasionally get angry with me because I seemingly embrace my disabilities. They, too, won't find what I have to say helpful. Remember, they don't have a problem. They just spend a lot of time dressed up like members of the Cure but can't ever remember where they put their black lipstick. :p
To those of you who do get it, I hope this article was helpful, even if it was short on humor.
If you've found a better way to manage your neurological disabilities I want to hear it. Drop me an email or leave comments here. The strength of the blogging community is our ability to comment openly about each other's ideas. I look forward to reading your comments.
Although the effect is now that I'm so disciplined in everything I do, say, and think, I think I may have lost myself somewhere along the way.
Closing the gap is great, but never let it completely seal - it's hard to pry open again.
As for losing yourself because you are so controlled, don't you think that you might be identifying too much with the disability as being YOU? Or are you referring to a level of control that you feel is unhealthy? At any rate, I think that anybody who can regulate an irregular mind shows a phenomenal amount of character.
~Douglas
I get it. In fact, at one point I had Nike stickers on my desk at home and work because the 'Just do it' reminded me to just get to the point and DO.
But that still doesn't solve my restless-ants-in-pants-can't-sit-and-work syndrome. So far, only chemicals help that.
http://www.blogger.com/email-post.g?blogID=19927392&postID=114951863994947534
I also went through a phase where my identiy became so entangled with my ADD that I became really angry with anybody who so much as suggested that I could change or control my problems without meds. Long story short, I got over it, and now I have very little patience for that attitude. I am not my ADD, and learning to control it has helped me blossom into the person I believe I was always meant to be. And I like this person much better than the perennially cranky, depressed, constant screw-up who used to wear my skin.
Esther ~ Well said. As for meds, I try to maintain a careful balance between empowering people to wean themselves off them and not making people who need them feel bad for needing them. Personally, I don't have the option anymore. Meds make me worse, not better. I HAVE to find alternative methods to regulate my behavior, including being fidgety. LOL
Actually, the only type of attitude towards meds that I find repugnant is the "drug culture" attitude that teens tend to take on their blogs. "I got me some good meds, d00000d..." Like they're strung out hippies. ::) At any rate, you need to do what works best for you. And that's OK with me.
Sandra ~ I'm so glad you said that about anxiety. I used to suffer from acute anxiety about 15 years ago. I took many medications for it but only found relief when I began regulating my own mind instead of letting the meds (which weren't working) do it for me. In fact, conquering anxiety was my first victory of mind over mood. I wonder why I never mention that? :/ You'd think I was absentminded or something.
Thanks for your kind words.
Jean ~ Here's the direct link to your post, not the email link, so people can jump right to your thoughts on this subject: Life in Sparkle Motion: DIY Rewiring. IMO, Blogger's default # symbol for the permalink is so obscure that nobody ever sees it. ;) That's why I renamed it. Other templates use the date and time stamp as the permalink. ??? You'd think Blogger was making it hard to find on purpose! :p
Anyway, I'll leave an in depth comment there as soon as Blogger lets me, but in brief I enjoyed your insight and agree with the parallels you've drawn. You correctly identified my inspiration.
I have been reading a book on sensory integration dysfunction. I see a lot of my son in the stories in that book and it is helping me to understand why he does a lot of what he does. Do you have any issue with sensory integration? If so, do you have any special practices (brushing, joint compression) that you do? I was just wondering as the book said it is very common in ADHD diagnosed individuals.
Yesterday my son had a severe meltdown in the car over a piece of dropped candy. Somedays it is so hard to live with ADHD, and others it's not so hard. This weekend was a real test of my patience and love of my son. It was so hard and even here now at almost 2:30 on Monday my head is still reeling from all the trouble we had this weekend.
Anyway, yeah, that had nothing to do with your post, just communicating about ADHD to someone that understands.
I hope you are doing well.
;)
I was thinking all day about "closing the gap"
It's such a great way to think about everything we do. There are many times where we are overconcerned and overwhelmed with the feeling that we have to get something just right every time. If we think in terms of closing the gap instead, we can take the pressure off while still striving for improvement. It helps to set realistic goals in life.
I also struggled with anxiety as it related to PTSD for many years. I found that learning about how it works, learning to recognize it for what it was and approaching it head on that way made a huge difference. It is no longer acute for me at all, however, I still experience some generalized anxiety that comes and goes. I never tried medication as that made me anxious! :) Thinking in terms of closing the gap makes it easier to forgive oneself when one fails to surmount a weakness or fear on any given day. It is important to recognize that these things are manageable, but we have to take the lead in that management! Acceptance is part of that too. I always enjoy your wisdom. Thanks.
Oh yeah. Jack Murphy there has one good point: Depression chooses us. But I think we can boss it around a little more.
Will you please read what I wrote yesterday? If you have time? I had a great week last week, and then a few down days. And I'm gonna survive.
Thanks for your writings!
Bekah ~ No, I don't have sensory integration dysfunction, but I might have a recommendation for your boy. We've trained our kids to take a deep breath and blow slowly during crisis situations ever since they were toddlers. They can take needle shots, etc. without panicking because they take a deep breath and blow. My 7 year old - who might have ADHD - is prone to dramatic outbursts as is our 4 year old (who has mild CP and no tolerance for frustration). Although we look forward to the day when the 4 year old understands how to take a deep breath and blow, our efforts have really paid off with the 7 year old. If we find her ramping up into hysteria we get eye to eye with her and ask her calmly to take a deep breath and blow, even doing it with her. Sometimes a few deep breaths are required, but it defuses the crisis instantly. She's still frustrated about whatever set her off, but she's not hysterical.
You may have to invest months into this with your son before seeing results (we started when they were very young), but understanding that frustration is the fuse that sets off the bomb and that the emotions rush to the surface with the force of an explosion will help you defuse the situation for your young boy. From experience I can tell you that we get angry/upset instantly with volcanic force. We are often raging before we even realize what is happening. I have to take quite a few deep cleansing breaths sometimes to keep my cool. I laugh afterwards every once in a while, too. I learned the trick in Lamaze class. LOL
You hit the nail on the head. When we are depressed we lack will and desire to change things. Giving in is part of the overwhelming feelings washing over us. That's why closing the gap is such a vital technique to work on. If you can shorten the amount of time you feel like throwing in the towel, you can actually shorten the most debilitating part of depression. Then you can actually start living again. The fact that you are aware of all this is wonderful. So many people are so thick in the sadness they stopped believing there was any other way to feel. Good luck! :)
Sandra ~ I don't know if you could call me wise. I feel like the blind leading the blind sometimes. ;) But I've definitely found results with this technique. With anxiety, I've eliminated it, or minimized its impact and duration on my life to the point that it rarely rears its ugly head. Depression I am still working on. I generally manage it just fine, though there are times when I may lose an hour or two to it before getting back on track. AD/HD is a pain in the butt, but I believe I can train myself to manage it better. What's the alternative? Side-effects and misery? No thank you. Thanks for posting. I always enjoy your comments.
Heidi ~ I'm all for bossing depression around! LOL
It was my pleasure to drop by your blog. You are dealing with a lot on your plate. I admire your pluck. Keep your chin up. And thanks for commenting.
Most recently I have been able to use this "Closing the Gap" technique to put a stop to anxiety induced tics. I am quite thrilled to reach this level of self-control. Now to do something about my patience. :)
I always like to get on my soapbox whenever there seems to be an opportunity that people should also be sure they've received the correct diagnosis. Bipolar II can be mistaken for depression with anxiety. I know because I was misdiagnosed this way until I was 39 years old. That's why no meds ever worked for me. Antidepressants just make me more irritable and whacked out! And sedatives like Xanax make me zonked and then suicidal. So for those who have tried everything and found no relief, perhaps they should look into whether they actually have depression or if they might be type II Bipolar, which doesn't present with full manias and thus is harder to catch.
Peace.
~Douglas