Forgiveness, Forgetfulness, and Fury
I'm in a reflective mood today. I received a phone call this afternoon from the sister of my old neighbor, who I will call Alice. She had passed away this morning. Alice had been fighting terminal colon cancer since March and after harsh chemo therapy and a bout with pneumonia that landed her in the ICU, she decided that enough was enough. She stopped treatment just around the July 4th weekend. I'm not too exact on the details, but suffice it to say that she failed quickly after that and passed away in her sleep this morning surrounded by family and friends. She was only 52.
As I struggle with Depression, AD/HD, tic disorders, sleep apnea, insomnia, food allergies, pollen allergies, and a weak immunity system I sometimes feel that life is unfair. I used to say that the Universe was out to get me - that God's having his little joke with me. I suppose it's only natural to feel that way. It's a full plate and I'm not too hungry for what's on the menu. Then I encounter other people with other hardships and I see that life itself is not fair to an awful lot of people. Life is, in fact, a lousy chef.
What struck me as sad today, however, was not simply the passing of somebody I knew. Instead I was struck with my own mortality and weakness. Let me explain.
Alice and some other neighbors hadn't been too kind to me when I moved into the area. They had accused me of various deviant behaviors that to this day still anger me. These were supposed to be my Christian brothers and sisters and instead they wielded stones. The rumors mounted as the months progressed, wilder and wilder, until they reached a crescendo where they became so outlandish that it was easy to disprove them. When all the furor amounted to nothing a lot of people were left with egg on their face. That summer several of the families involved moved away. I have unresolved issues with them, but with Alice, my neighbor, I was able to find forgiveness in my heart.
The story didn't end happily there with us arm in arm, though. Alice never really apologized to me, though her behavior towards my family and myself became kinder. Unfortunately, she was one of the people I knew who didn't believe in AD/HD. One day she told me her opinion on the subject right to my face after I mentioned I had it. I was so stunned by her bold opinion that I stood there slack jawed. I swore that day I would never let that happen to me again. You see a bit of that fire in this blog whenever anybody accuses me of not having a "real" problem. I am as fierce in person as well. Thanks to Alice.
And now she's passed on. Suddenly my anger feels petty and shallow. She moved away and now has died, but I allowed her to change me. I nursed a wound like an angry coal in my heart. I forgave her for one thing, but held a grudge for another. She became representative of all the doubters in my life and I used that as impetus for change. What type of person does that make me? On top of that, I have set lofty goals for myself that are proving hard to meet. Time is ticking and my 40th birthday is but a scant five months away. One of the byproducts of meeting those goals was to have a book with my name on it that I could bring into her elementary school classroom one day, slam on her desk, and say "Ha!" - as if my success would mean anything to her. As if that would prove my struggle with AD/HD was real. How silly. How foolish.
Alice was only thirteen years older than I. I can blink and be 52 tomorrow. Mortality laughs at me and replaces all of life's menu items with sour grapes and rotten eggs. What shall I order now?
Usually, my sense of humor keeps my spirits alight. Today, however, I see myself as being revealed as a small-minded man with insignificant goals. That even for a moment, no matter how miniscule, I was sad she died before my goals were met... This both sickens me and splashes me in the face with a brisk dose of reality. December looms and I read news? Time leaks through my fingers and I'm worried about a drop in comments on my blog? How did I get so turned around? Where did I get so terribly sidetracked? I need to remember what it is I want out of life. It is not to show up the doubters but to find joy in my own accomplishments. I know that, but negative thought attaches itself to our most noble intentions like a parasite. Allow it to stay too long and it consumes and replaces what was once good and uplifting.
I don't resent Alice. I never wished her ill. But I regret I let myself hold a grudge, however slight it seemed. Life is too short for such things. So I will allow Alice to change me again. That way when I order from the menu of life it will not be just desserts.
As I struggle with Depression, AD/HD, tic disorders, sleep apnea, insomnia, food allergies, pollen allergies, and a weak immunity system I sometimes feel that life is unfair. I used to say that the Universe was out to get me - that God's having his little joke with me. I suppose it's only natural to feel that way. It's a full plate and I'm not too hungry for what's on the menu. Then I encounter other people with other hardships and I see that life itself is not fair to an awful lot of people. Life is, in fact, a lousy chef.
What struck me as sad today, however, was not simply the passing of somebody I knew. Instead I was struck with my own mortality and weakness. Let me explain.
Alice and some other neighbors hadn't been too kind to me when I moved into the area. They had accused me of various deviant behaviors that to this day still anger me. These were supposed to be my Christian brothers and sisters and instead they wielded stones. The rumors mounted as the months progressed, wilder and wilder, until they reached a crescendo where they became so outlandish that it was easy to disprove them. When all the furor amounted to nothing a lot of people were left with egg on their face. That summer several of the families involved moved away. I have unresolved issues with them, but with Alice, my neighbor, I was able to find forgiveness in my heart.
The story didn't end happily there with us arm in arm, though. Alice never really apologized to me, though her behavior towards my family and myself became kinder. Unfortunately, she was one of the people I knew who didn't believe in AD/HD. One day she told me her opinion on the subject right to my face after I mentioned I had it. I was so stunned by her bold opinion that I stood there slack jawed. I swore that day I would never let that happen to me again. You see a bit of that fire in this blog whenever anybody accuses me of not having a "real" problem. I am as fierce in person as well. Thanks to Alice.
And now she's passed on. Suddenly my anger feels petty and shallow. She moved away and now has died, but I allowed her to change me. I nursed a wound like an angry coal in my heart. I forgave her for one thing, but held a grudge for another. She became representative of all the doubters in my life and I used that as impetus for change. What type of person does that make me? On top of that, I have set lofty goals for myself that are proving hard to meet. Time is ticking and my 40th birthday is but a scant five months away. One of the byproducts of meeting those goals was to have a book with my name on it that I could bring into her elementary school classroom one day, slam on her desk, and say "Ha!" - as if my success would mean anything to her. As if that would prove my struggle with AD/HD was real. How silly. How foolish.
Alice was only thirteen years older than I. I can blink and be 52 tomorrow. Mortality laughs at me and replaces all of life's menu items with sour grapes and rotten eggs. What shall I order now?
Usually, my sense of humor keeps my spirits alight. Today, however, I see myself as being revealed as a small-minded man with insignificant goals. That even for a moment, no matter how miniscule, I was sad she died before my goals were met... This both sickens me and splashes me in the face with a brisk dose of reality. December looms and I read news? Time leaks through my fingers and I'm worried about a drop in comments on my blog? How did I get so turned around? Where did I get so terribly sidetracked? I need to remember what it is I want out of life. It is not to show up the doubters but to find joy in my own accomplishments. I know that, but negative thought attaches itself to our most noble intentions like a parasite. Allow it to stay too long and it consumes and replaces what was once good and uplifting.
I don't resent Alice. I never wished her ill. But I regret I let myself hold a grudge, however slight it seemed. Life is too short for such things. So I will allow Alice to change me again. That way when I order from the menu of life it will not be just desserts.
Comments
It will be good for you to forgive her, but forgiveness takes time. Sometimes you have to do it every day, every time you remember what they said that hurt you. It's a process, just like changing negative behavior, breaking a bad habit. Remember to choose to forgive her whenever you feel that resentment, and someday you'll realize you don't feel it anymore and you've truly forgiven her.
Cut yourself some slack, man. It sounds like the motivation that stemmed from that encounter, even though it came from a negative place, ended up having some positive effects on your life. Maybe you can find it in you to be grateful to her for that, for her part in shaping who you are today. My dad said and did a lot of mean and hurtful things during the first 23 years of my life, but I can at least give him that much credit (he died 10 years ago and I'm still working on the forgiveness part).
As for the rest, I feel you. Running out of time before I manage to accomplish anything meaningful is probably my number one source of anxiety. But take heart in knowing that although you might not have met all of the goals you hoped to meet by this age, from this side you seem pretty accomplished. The help and encouragement you provide in this blog alone is a huge accomplishment that you should be proud of. So once again: thank you, Douglas, for helping us to keep it all in perspective.
It was a treat to see you on my blog. Wow, what a post. I am sorry about Alice. It sounds like she has and will be a catalyst for you in many ways. Interesting how people touch our lives in unexpected ways. We spend so much time in our relationships that it's surprising when an outsider can have such impact.
"How did I get so turned around?"
I quoted that because I felt so touched by your angst in that paragraph. I think that we all travel through those waters more often than we like. It's always shocking to see the lack of depth in some of our thoughts, and yet we all have them. I once had a therapist tell me to listen carefully to my automatic thoughts to various situations. Not the ones I voiced, but the ones that spontaneously occured when someone said something to me or I was faced with a decision.
They are tiny and fleeting, silent little thoughts.
When I looked at them closely though, I was shocked and ashamed at how self serving they could be! These weren't me, NOT AT ALL, I thought. It was a powerful exercise. What he pointed out to me was that while those (formerly invisible to me) thoughts were capable of influencing my behaviour in an argument, or making me anxious, etc. they also set a benchmark for my own self monitoring, for my own values, morality. Seeing that I more often squash the automatic thought like a bug, and make my behaviour better, more like the "me" I like to think I am, was reassuring.
While reading your post I was touched by how insightful it was. What I love about your blog is the way you lay your cards on the table. You have more self awareness and so much more honesty than most. I don't feel that you were turned around. Alice and the neighbors did a terrible thing to you. It was something that left a bruise which became sensitive to prodding. I prefer the word "heal" to "recover" when referring to injury. Some use them interchangeably with regard to trauma, etc., but I think there is an important difference. We are changed by negative (and positive) experiences, but when a broken bone heals, there is still fragility there.
You didn't say you were happy she died. I don't sense vengefulness at all. Who doesn't want to "show" people who have hurt us? If that is small minded, then I think we are all small minded.
I'm sorry about Alice, for Alice. But for you, she has stimulated even more growth. That is such a good thing. I hope the clouds clear and your sense of humor returns for you tomorrow.
Sorry for the looong comment....
As for helping others with this blog, I can only hope that I really am having a positive affect on people. I type and post and send my thoughts out into this ambiguous binary void and hope that somebody will care. It's a little bit vanity to be sure, but also I have a need to connect with other people. Thanks for commenting.
When I was young, I learnt very early that I was saying the wrong things. My mother had to hush me once and the memory stuck because I didn't know until the warning that I was saying something wrong. I learnt then that I can say things that are completely acceptable and even politically correct to my ears but are offending to the listener.
So I lost faith in what can be normally accepted in words and became pretty reclusive. When I got into a conflict with people, I just back off because I'm not sure what I could have done that offended people. I treated myself like a ticking timebomb, my words could set anyone off when I least expect it to and so I just back away from arguments or conflicts or anything that MIGHT rub people off the wrong way. I just considered any bruising comments trivial and drop the matter.
Then I realized that people were starting to take advantage of me, bully me because they knew I would never fight back. Some people treated me with little respect, some happily threw a tantrum with me.
When I finally notice how others' perceive me, I got fed up of treating myself as a timebomb. I started standing up to myself and defending myself by putting my feelings ahead of how I think others might view my words. It felt good to stand up to myself but it was explosive. I lost a few friends from doing that. And recently got into a wrangle with a road bully about a road incident, with neither party willing to step down (it's going to court now :-/)
So I'm a little lost over how I'm suppose to feel and do now when it comes to communicating with people. Forgive them? Take a stand even if it's a small matter?
I'm sorry you had to experience Alice's passing. I feel fortunate not to be able to experience it myself because everytime I feel like complaining about ADHD, I do bite my tongue because I know there people out there with more serious ailments. But every day that I sacrificed who I am to be who I must be, I feel myself dying a little.
I worried about that post because it was so personal, but I decided to share it anyway. I DO like to lay my cards on the table. And some comments around here have been so fan-like I have become uncomfortable so I wanted to make sure people know I'm real. Maybe that hurts my blog's popularity - what type of advice does one want from somebody who's not perfect? But I'm not going to worry about that. The first goals of writing these columns for me is to explore myself, to be comfortable with myself, and to grow as a writer. I also want to reach people and to help them understand me and my disabilities better.
Alice was one of the people that I wasn't able to help understand me or my disabilities. She had a part in helping me decide to start this blog in January 2005. I soon learned that there were more people such as myself than I realized and that an awful lot of misunderstanding was happening out there. I was just surprised to find out how empty some of my goals felt when compared to the death of somebody I knew.
Life is short. We MUST make the best of it. All the more reason to emphasize that we cannot allow our disabilities to shape us or our futures.
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them. I'm OK now. The shock of her passing has left. I was responding to that most of all Sunday night. I had wanted to attend her funeral today but my disabilities precluded that. I'll pay my respects another time and ponder on her effect in my life. I just need to make sure that she affected me for the positive, not the negative.
You're not alone, though that may not be much practical comfort. What I would say may be different than others, but I would tell you that you are NOT your AD/HD. This is hard to realize when AD/HD acts like the puppet master, pulling the strings, setting us up for failure, then leaving us alone to take the fall/heat/blame. It is no wonder to me that people with AD/HD have such lousy self-esteem. When our minds work against us - to blurt out that which is embarrassing - to forget that which is important - then to leave us shamed and brow-beaten and lectured...well, who WOULD have strong self-esteem?
That's why I've learned to laugh at it. I won't let depression own me. I won't let AD/HD keep me off track. I screw up all the time. I say "OK, you will do X and nothing but X," and then discover an hour later I was doing A, B, F, L, M, N, O & P, but not X. On my own, that's frustrating. In public, that's humiliating.
This is actually a worthy topic for a column. AD/HD & Self-esteem. I may have to write about it.
Keep your spirits up. Post around here for a while. There are plenty of people who will give you positive encouragement because they know what you are going through. Not only that, I believe you *can* make your life better. You may just have to work on "normal" things like conversation harder than others may have to. ;)
Thanks for posting.
And I believe you're turning this into another positive.
Please keep writing!
However, I do find it most disappointing when coming from Christians since they supposedly know better. In all honesty, these Christians I referred to were Christian only in their own minds. They didn't have the Gospel of Christ written in their hearts, as He put it ages ago. Or in other words, they didn't practice what they preached.
They tend to focus on one aspect of doctrine as the ALL IMPORTANT PRINCIPAL that must be followed and break all manner of commandments in their efforts to get every one to comply with their prejudice. I really feel bad for them. They honestly don't see their own ignorance and hypocrisy. Cruelty is never an acceptable tool to represent Christ. The problem is they do not see what they do as cruel because they feel justified.
I have a quote from Joseph Smith that applies to this little tangent we're on:
"It is the doctrine of the devil to retard the human mind and hinder our progress, by filling us with self-righteousness."
Thanks for your comment. I didn't mean to warm up to it so much, but since today's Sunday I hope you'll forgive me. :) It happens to be one of my pet peeves with my fellow Christian brothers and sisters... It upsets me as it upsets you.
~Douglas