Keeping Positive is Hard Work
I’ve been taken to task on occasion by readers leaving comments who simply can’t believe the advice I give. They’ve accused me of not really having any problems to deal with in the first place, or of being deluded into thinking I’ve actually conquered some of these issues, or they’ve left happy little comments then blogged about how insane I am. It has always made me a bit sad. Not for the usual reasons, mind you, but because these are the very people I’m trying to help out through sharing my life experiences. Instead, they have their hands over their ears shouting “I’M NOT LISTENING!”
My Cognitive Behavior Therapist assures me that is a very common thing for analysts to hear. “That’s too hard.” “I can’t do that.” “Other people may have told you they could do that, but they’re lying.” “It’s all Bush’s fault.” Fortunately, most of the commenters have not been of that variety and in fact have been fairly receptive to these ideas, but what I say flies in the face of a lot of people. Then again, who am I really? I’m just this blogger.
Well, I’m going to work through a problem today right here on these pages to prove my technique works. I’m ticking that slow sort of tick today where I can’t connect my lips to the thoughts racing in my brain. I’m speaking in slow motion, actually, which would make home schooling my daughters comical if it wasn’t so tragic. What’s funny is that I can still type at 80wpm. I bet I could type my comments to the girls and have my computer read the comments faster than I could say them. Neurological problems are so weird. At any rate, I’m not typing here to prove how sagacious I am. Instead, I’m trying to follow Point #7 of Depression: Ten Ways to Fight it Off.
Let’s begin.
I’ve got these bone growths in my mouth that I want checked out. They’re like a second set of teeth growing sideways on the inside of my lower teeth. Things get stuck under them all the time. Chips, really large peas, awkward sentences... It can be quite painful. So I set up an appointment with a specialist sometime last century. Finally, the time for the appointment came and he rescheduled. That’s OK. I could wait another week. Then I discovered I was doubled booked. OK, another week. Dutifully my PDA reminded me of the upcoming event. The specialist’s office dutifully reminded me of the upcoming event. Then I awoke this morning with poor equilibrium, my right leg marking beat to unheard music, and my head in a fog. I didn’t realize I had missed my appointment until 30 minutes past, not that I could have done anything about it had I remembered in time. One phone call later and I have a new appointment one month away. Embarrassing. Frustrating.
Then I felt it. My old friend, Mr. Depression. Sometimes he just pays me a visit out of the blue. He likes to drop by, sit on my couch, and take over the remote control. Most of the time he just drops by after I’ve screwed up. Having AD/HD makes that a common enough occurrence, but in the past, however, he’d stay for weeks. Having evicted him already from my life I couldn’t afford to let him back in so I did what I always do: I fought him off.
First, I said “No,” out loud. I don’t really believe there is a Mr. Depression, obviously. If I did then this blog would be about a totally different spectrum of problems. I couldn’t call it “A Beautiful Mind.” Perhaps “Manky Mind” would suit better. But I digress.
Shouting in the face of adversity steels my resolve. It’s silly, but it works so I don’t knock it. Then I need to find something constructive to do. I chose to dive into home schooling while simultaneously writing this very article. It was just the sort of sensory bombardment I needed to send Mr. Depression packing. Better yet, I never even answered the door.
Now, I’ve spent years developing this technique so some of you may boggle at such fortitude. The ones who don’t suffer from depression will wonder what I’m going on about and the ones who do suffer from it may very well think it’s impossible to do. I promise you, it is not. But it’s not easy, either.
Yesterday my five year old had to come with me to my CBT appointment. I tried to keep her set up with a pair of headphones, a Disney movie, and my iBook, but it was still hard to focus. My therapist, who has AD/HD, commented on how it took some doing but he could now play the TV in the background to keep li’l tikes busy while he counseled somebody. I just shook my head. I couldn’t imagine doing that. In fact, I had to ask him to shut off his screensaver because I couldn’t stop seeing it out of the corner of my eye. But with practice I know that one day such things won’t trouble me.
Wow, just think. In another twenty years I can filter out background noise if I work really hard at it. It’s so depressing. No, wait, somebody’s at the door again. It better not be who I think it is.
My Cognitive Behavior Therapist assures me that is a very common thing for analysts to hear. “That’s too hard.” “I can’t do that.” “Other people may have told you they could do that, but they’re lying.” “It’s all Bush’s fault.” Fortunately, most of the commenters have not been of that variety and in fact have been fairly receptive to these ideas, but what I say flies in the face of a lot of people. Then again, who am I really? I’m just this blogger.
Well, I’m going to work through a problem today right here on these pages to prove my technique works. I’m ticking that slow sort of tick today where I can’t connect my lips to the thoughts racing in my brain. I’m speaking in slow motion, actually, which would make home schooling my daughters comical if it wasn’t so tragic. What’s funny is that I can still type at 80wpm. I bet I could type my comments to the girls and have my computer read the comments faster than I could say them. Neurological problems are so weird. At any rate, I’m not typing here to prove how sagacious I am. Instead, I’m trying to follow Point #7 of Depression: Ten Ways to Fight it Off.
Let’s begin.
I’ve got these bone growths in my mouth that I want checked out. They’re like a second set of teeth growing sideways on the inside of my lower teeth. Things get stuck under them all the time. Chips, really large peas, awkward sentences... It can be quite painful. So I set up an appointment with a specialist sometime last century. Finally, the time for the appointment came and he rescheduled. That’s OK. I could wait another week. Then I discovered I was doubled booked. OK, another week. Dutifully my PDA reminded me of the upcoming event. The specialist’s office dutifully reminded me of the upcoming event. Then I awoke this morning with poor equilibrium, my right leg marking beat to unheard music, and my head in a fog. I didn’t realize I had missed my appointment until 30 minutes past, not that I could have done anything about it had I remembered in time. One phone call later and I have a new appointment one month away. Embarrassing. Frustrating.
Then I felt it. My old friend, Mr. Depression. Sometimes he just pays me a visit out of the blue. He likes to drop by, sit on my couch, and take over the remote control. Most of the time he just drops by after I’ve screwed up. Having AD/HD makes that a common enough occurrence, but in the past, however, he’d stay for weeks. Having evicted him already from my life I couldn’t afford to let him back in so I did what I always do: I fought him off.
First, I said “No,” out loud. I don’t really believe there is a Mr. Depression, obviously. If I did then this blog would be about a totally different spectrum of problems. I couldn’t call it “A Beautiful Mind.” Perhaps “Manky Mind” would suit better. But I digress.
Shouting in the face of adversity steels my resolve. It’s silly, but it works so I don’t knock it. Then I need to find something constructive to do. I chose to dive into home schooling while simultaneously writing this very article. It was just the sort of sensory bombardment I needed to send Mr. Depression packing. Better yet, I never even answered the door.
Now, I’ve spent years developing this technique so some of you may boggle at such fortitude. The ones who don’t suffer from depression will wonder what I’m going on about and the ones who do suffer from it may very well think it’s impossible to do. I promise you, it is not. But it’s not easy, either.
Yesterday my five year old had to come with me to my CBT appointment. I tried to keep her set up with a pair of headphones, a Disney movie, and my iBook, but it was still hard to focus. My therapist, who has AD/HD, commented on how it took some doing but he could now play the TV in the background to keep li’l tikes busy while he counseled somebody. I just shook my head. I couldn’t imagine doing that. In fact, I had to ask him to shut off his screensaver because I couldn’t stop seeing it out of the corner of my eye. But with practice I know that one day such things won’t trouble me.
Wow, just think. In another twenty years I can filter out background noise if I work really hard at it. It’s so depressing. No, wait, somebody’s at the door again. It better not be who I think it is.
Comments
If only I could get my husband to read your work, too, maybe some of your attitude might rub off! I'm still trying to figure out if I can do anything to help him out of his depression and facilitate his getting healthy. At least the last couple of days there has been a look of hope!
I have not forgotten about you, btw. You and Psyche asked a very serious question. I write a humor column and I have been struggling to know how to answer you two within the lighthearted mood I've set here. I feel I became too maudlin over Spring which might account for losing some readers (but mostly my disabilities wreaking havoc with my publishing schedule is at fault). I also don't know if I'm an expert on getting support from a spouse or helping a spouse understand. If being married for 18 years is proof, then I guess I'm doing something right in that department, but I can't really say my wife truly understands how to help me. She knows how to love me, however, which is immensely helpful. Sometimes that is all I needed.
I posted over at the ADHD Forums about this question you asked and nobody has responded, which I think is funny in its own right. There are a lot of pity parties over there, so maybe it's the wrong forum to ask that question. I'll keep working at it. My therapist recommended a book that might be of use to you. I'll look into it as I mull over my answers.
Maggie ~ You know, sometimes having ADHD is a great asset like in those cases where we want and need to have more things going on at one time than others might feel comfortable with. Thanks for posting!
~Douglas
Again, I appreciate your humor. I'm sure there are lots of humorous stories in 18 years of marriage (I have a few myself, after 16 with my man!). But perhaps this isn't the right forum for that either!
I agree with Staci that your honesty and humor have helped those of us still struggling to figure out ways to deal with our own issues.
Claire ~ Well, if reading and writing are not creative outlets for your husband, what DOES he like to do? I know you've stated in the past that he suffers from depression. Perhaps encouraging him to spend time pursuing interests he likes can help him lift his spirits a bit and not be so pessimistic?
Mary ~ Well, I have pretty strong evidence that the neurological problems were a direct result of the meds I was taking, and the last time I had a tick on me was in the mid 80's, ten years before I became disabled, but I could ask my doctor about Lyme disease. It couldn't hurt.
I'm glad to hear you found a solution to your problem, however. I'd love to have some of my more odious symptoms cleared completely.
Thanks for your comments. Glad you took time to post.
In fact, thank you to all who posted. Please spread the word about this blog. I'd love to get more discussions going on in the comments section.
What meds caused your issues, if I might ask? My husband is now on a cocktail of six different things to deal with the ADD, Anxiety, Back Injury, Sleep Problems (potentially narcolepsy- he has more tests next week), and depression. Whew. I can't keep it all straight, and I've got an organized brain! Did you ever get my e-mail?
I was on desoxyn and zoloft when my neurological system went haywire. I was also trying Ambien somewhere in there. Terrible stuff. I had been taking meds for Anxiety, but I didn't like how they made me feel so I just knuckled down and stopped getting panicky about things. Anyway, I flinched when I read your husband was on a cocktail. It's so hard to manage side-effects when one is taking a cocktail of meds.
I'm glad that your husband is still active. There is a really good chance he can return to fulltime work one day provided he gets his Depression under control. My problem is now that I'm the fulltime parent and my wife works fulltime we can't just switch back to the way things were before. I'm sort of stuck until my 5 year old gets older...
Have you thought of finding a Cognitive Behavior Therapist in your area for your husband? He may find their "you can fix yourself" approach more appealing than the touchy-feely approach that some psychologists can take.
We haven't checked into CBT yet. We are going to go through an insurance change in January, since our limited income doesn't support the 33% price increase this year. We are going to have only major medical, prescriptions and preventive care. Everything else is full price now. Ouch. I'm guessing we aren't going to start anything new now.
Let me know if you don't get the e-mail.
In my opinion, anxiety is the easiest one to target. Relaxation techniques and cognitive behavior techniques can help minimize and eliminate panic attacks. But I didn't use CBT to conquer my anxiety problem. I took it one step at a time:
1) Help him recognize when and attack occurs.
2) Help him want to eliminate the attacks by his own will.
3) Help him close the gab between when the attack occurs and he realizes it is an attack.
4) Help him learn to stop the attack as it happens.
5) Help him recognize the signs when an attack is going to occur.
6) Help him stop the attack before it occurs.
As always, help him not beat himself up when he doesn't make his goals. Mistakes happen. He's fighting against the wind sometimes. Help him just resolve to do better next time. When I messed up, I would analyze what I did wrong and determine to not repeat that mistake. It took months, but I did it. Good luck!