A Splintered Mind

There are dreams we share. Across continents. Across cultures. They take the forms of Fear and rob us of peace when night is most still. Black formless men in the corner of the room. Nightmares covering the bedsheets, crawling with spiders or snakes. An old hag crushing the life from us as she presses down on our chest. The intense feeling of an evil presence lurking just out of sight. Powerless to move, powerless to speak, we can only scream for help that doesn't come. This is the real world of the Nightmare. Not a world of cute Piers Anthony horses, but demons, succubi, and incubi. The Night Demon. The Night Hag. The Night Crusher . My lifelong struggle with the Night Crusher began one fateful night when I was fifteen. One could almost say that my world, my life, my identity began that night as well with one Halloween-like dream. There was the rickety old hut worn with weather. Eerie music played in the background, a synthesizer extravaganza filled with ominous low tones an...

Last week we learned four simple ways to help a loved one understand our Depression better. We learn how to approach them, help them relate to our depression by pulling from their personal experiences, build on that to help them understand when we are depressed, and figure out a way to put that understanding to good use. But what do we do if we are the loved one full of understanding trying to reach out to a depressive? Reader Claire asked: "Is there anything I can do to help my spouse not be depressed?" Well, considering I am depressed right now and up alone with no family around I may not be in the best mood to answer this question. I certainly don't feel funny so I'm not in my usual witty writing mood. Then again, maybe I am in the perfect mood to write about this.I certainly know what might be going through their minds. In my experience, when I am in Depression's grip there are two things happening in my mind that enable it: wallowing and pessimism. When deal...

Last week I lurched over to my keyboard, covered it in viral goo while gasping for air, and typed out part one of three in a series covering Depression and our relationships with loved ones. I wish I could say that the internet gasped in sympathy and offered me binary tissues, but nobody really cared. The only emails I received were from people billing me for the time spent reading my column and a death threat from a man named Vlandavar the Singing Beaver. I just marked it all as spam and tossed it in the bin. Then I got busy typing up part two. Phoenix , a reader, wrote : "It sounds like your wife is very supportive- do you have any ideas for me on how can I help my husband understand?" Long before I was diagnosed with depression I was a moody guy. My parents really worried about me. One time, for instance, I was given the assignment in art school to paint my self-portrait in greyscale with nothing but a palette knife. I created a veritable masterpiece of my face screaming i...

Ever wish you could just put a bookmark in your life and pick it up later when you catch your breath? I have to admit that'd be a handy feature to have this week. I am finally emerging from my cocoon of sickness just in time to balance my family's needs, my client's needs, my blog's needs, etc. while trying not to tick. I sure wish I could make that particular disability go away. AD/HD sort of gives me character, but chronic motor tic disorder is just a pain in the posterior. Anyways, this is just a quick note to let you know a column will be forthcoming any moment now. I've written it two and a half times already, actually. But it's just not quite there yet. It's hard to write about Depression in a funny matter. I know, I know. I said I wasn't going to do that. Well, let me share a quick story with you as a way of giving you insight into how I tick. I've been dreading the meet with the homeschool supervisor for a few weeks now. What was she g...

Dance like nobody's watching Originally uploaded by Darkstream . Tonight's theme was discovered on a wall at my daughters' dance studio in Bountiful, Utah. This whole "failure" thing is really bugging me. Just who is going to disapprove of what I write or draw? What am I so afraid of? I can answer that. I am afraid of my own disappointment. I am my harshest critic, and consequently, I am my own worst stumbling block. Although I am making strides pushing on with my life without listening to the Wormtongue of my own mind, I do need the occasional reminder that self-doubt is my worst enemy and should be ignored whenever possible.

I discovered to my horror last night as I drifted off to bed that I had misplaced my PDA. I am amazed that I was able to let myself sleep after that, but it did take some doing. But now that a new day has cast its light on my tragedy panic is starting to settle in. I am completely lost without my PDA. All my backups are for naught. Shamefully, I have not swapped out memory cards in a few weeks so if I were to buy a new one I would be woefully out of date. And I just set up a new computer so iCal isn't set up yet. ARGH! We've been ripping the house apart looking for it, but I suspect it has gone walkabout OUTSIDE the home. I cannot hear its incessant beeping at all. This is a very bad sign. My daughter did find my Navajo Indian ring from my honeymoon. I didn't even realize it was missing. But no PDA. (-_-); UPDATE: 10/11/06 Ah, I have been reunited with my brain. I can't emphasize enough how uncomfortable it is to walk around without one. I was just about to resort to s...

If I could begin with the end in mind then work towards the end without getting waylaid by shiny new distractions I might be able to lick this insomnia. Today I push my clock back by three hours. I always seem to end upside down when I get sick. Now it's time to get turvy topsy again. I'm feeling much better tonight, actually. I look forward to finishing the roughs on my client's logo design. For the past few weeks I've been studying hands, but I may pull out the Moleskine and get crackin'. I want to further explore a pencil vocabulary. It's not quite a second language to me yet, though my base level has improved vastly. Homeschooling is going well. I have more work tomorrow ahead of me. Have to set up the girl's new computer. This entry is rather journally, isn't it? Well, off to bed, and no further distractions.

After a week of viral sickness I haven't much to show for my productivity. I've barely been able to home school my kids. It's just your garden variety virus. You know the kind? Saps you of all energy while your body tries to evict it? This particular one wants to send my lungs flopping out onto the carpet while stars dance about my eyes. But it's all my fault. Even though I can barely sit up on the couch I'm still a loser for not getting anything done, right? Of course, I don't truly feel that way about myself. In fact, it's been a while since I let those feelings have sway. I'd like to say that I'm over such feelings, however I still struggle to keep that negative voice in the background. The old me would have slipped happily into depression, complete with feelings of self loathing. It's not that I was looking for any excuse to hate myself. It's that the scale was always tipping in depression's favor and anything could give it the edg...

I'm missing passion, dedication & focus in my life. A little bit more of any one of these will help stop the tide of mindless distractions that fill my world.

I've been terribly sick for the past five days. I've got one heckuvva virus doing a number on my lungs. The past two days were the worst. I simply laid on the couch and died. I'm not eating much, but I've gained eight pounds. I'm blowing up like a balloon over here. I don't really want to blog, but I want to track my progress because there are less than 90 days to go before I need to have some big projects finished. That includes the off days as well as the on days. Therefore I must declare that I haven't been drawing. I haven't been exercising. I haven't been cleaning. I haven't worked on my client's logo. I haven't gone over the latest Scenic Route Paper contract. I even canceled home school yesterday. I've been lucky if I've been breathing. Fortunately, I have been working on my children's picture book. I may not have mentioned it before, but I've been kicking around an idea for a few months. I had already finished...