Summoning the Strength to Type. Humor NOT Guaranteed.
After a week of viral sickness I haven't much to show for my productivity. I've barely been able to home school my kids. It's just your garden variety virus. You know the kind? Saps you of all energy while your body tries to evict it? This particular one wants to send my lungs flopping out onto the carpet while stars dance about my eyes. But it's all my fault. Even though I can barely sit up on the couch I'm still a loser for not getting anything done, right?
Of course, I don't truly feel that way about myself. In fact, it's been a while since I let those feelings have sway. I'd like to say that I'm over such feelings, however I still struggle to keep that negative voice in the background. The old me would have slipped happily into depression, complete with feelings of self loathing. It's not that I was looking for any excuse to hate myself. It's that the scale was always tipping in depression's favor and anything could give it the edge. Perhaps you can relate? If not, perhaps you have a loved one who struggles with these issues?
So why don't I really hate myself after a week of uselessness? What's keeping me chipper? I haven't drawn much. I haven't written much. My Mum's in the hospital again. I'm still sick. I'm so neurologically off that I'm having difficulty walking and a violent head tick into a wall didn't even knock sense into me. Am I just insipidly cheerful or is something else keeping me afloat?
I'd have to say that part of the "something else" is my family. It's hard to be depressed when four beautiful daughters hug you and tell you they love you all the time. Even better, they recognize when I'm feeling frustrated with myself. They see me tick and fume because of it and they hug me more and tell me things will be alright. Even with all this affection, however, I could still reject it and cling onto a black worldview. All the hugs in Utah won't finish my client's logo for me. My 40th birthday looms like a spectre in the dark and my book is still not finished. My art style is as yet undefined. There is much to be down on myself about. The true cynic would sneer at hugs. Why don't I?
I covered the answer in a previous column. Several months ago I wrote what was by far my most controversial article: Depression: Ten Ways to Fight it Off. Readers were either inspired by my methods, already using them to some degree of success, or they thought I simply didn't understand "real" depression. Sadly, these later individuals were the very readers I hoped to reach, but their minds were closed. Some of my readers struggled with this dilemma, as well. They either couldn't get loved ones to understand their struggles, or they couldn't get their struggling loved ones to let them see any rays of hope. I've struggled myself for months knowing how to approach this topic in the flippant, light-hearted fashion I use in this column and have been stumped, but I see now that I can neither be flippant nor address these questions in the same column.
In the next two columns I will address both questions in depth. First there was a common plea from someone suffering from Depression, "How do I help my spouse better understand?" And lastly, there was a common plea from a spouse of a person suffering from Depression: "Is there anything I can do to help my spouse not be depressed?" The shame is that these people usually aren't married to each other, but all is not lost. Our job is to find a way to bridge the chasm of misconception and misunderstanding. If you have any thoughts to share on the subject, email me or share them with the group by posting a comment. In the meantime, I'm going to go lie down again. I need to save up my energy for the next coughing spasm. If I'm lucky, I won't just cough out a lung. I might be able to cough up both feet as well.
Of course, I don't truly feel that way about myself. In fact, it's been a while since I let those feelings have sway. I'd like to say that I'm over such feelings, however I still struggle to keep that negative voice in the background. The old me would have slipped happily into depression, complete with feelings of self loathing. It's not that I was looking for any excuse to hate myself. It's that the scale was always tipping in depression's favor and anything could give it the edge. Perhaps you can relate? If not, perhaps you have a loved one who struggles with these issues?
So why don't I really hate myself after a week of uselessness? What's keeping me chipper? I haven't drawn much. I haven't written much. My Mum's in the hospital again. I'm still sick. I'm so neurologically off that I'm having difficulty walking and a violent head tick into a wall didn't even knock sense into me. Am I just insipidly cheerful or is something else keeping me afloat?
I'd have to say that part of the "something else" is my family. It's hard to be depressed when four beautiful daughters hug you and tell you they love you all the time. Even better, they recognize when I'm feeling frustrated with myself. They see me tick and fume because of it and they hug me more and tell me things will be alright. Even with all this affection, however, I could still reject it and cling onto a black worldview. All the hugs in Utah won't finish my client's logo for me. My 40th birthday looms like a spectre in the dark and my book is still not finished. My art style is as yet undefined. There is much to be down on myself about. The true cynic would sneer at hugs. Why don't I?
I covered the answer in a previous column. Several months ago I wrote what was by far my most controversial article: Depression: Ten Ways to Fight it Off. Readers were either inspired by my methods, already using them to some degree of success, or they thought I simply didn't understand "real" depression. Sadly, these later individuals were the very readers I hoped to reach, but their minds were closed. Some of my readers struggled with this dilemma, as well. They either couldn't get loved ones to understand their struggles, or they couldn't get their struggling loved ones to let them see any rays of hope. I've struggled myself for months knowing how to approach this topic in the flippant, light-hearted fashion I use in this column and have been stumped, but I see now that I can neither be flippant nor address these questions in the same column.
In the next two columns I will address both questions in depth. First there was a common plea from someone suffering from Depression, "How do I help my spouse better understand?" And lastly, there was a common plea from a spouse of a person suffering from Depression: "Is there anything I can do to help my spouse not be depressed?" The shame is that these people usually aren't married to each other, but all is not lost. Our job is to find a way to bridge the chasm of misconception and misunderstanding. If you have any thoughts to share on the subject, email me or share them with the group by posting a comment. In the meantime, I'm going to go lie down again. I need to save up my energy for the next coughing spasm. If I'm lucky, I won't just cough out a lung. I might be able to cough up both feet as well.
Comments
I want to comment on two of your points in particular:
1) "There's a line between feeling and wallowing"
Never before has a greater truth been typed in response to my columns on this issue. And maybe you've just given me an insight into one way to address this issue this week. We can't stop feeling, can we? And the waves of depression come whether we want them or not, but we can chuse whether to wallow in those waves or get out of the water. The decision to not wallow empowers us so greatly. It is hard to convey in text just how important this one little act of volition can be. For me it is the difference between misery or survival.
2) Showers are fantastic. Another act of volition as far as I am concerned. Beyond simple hygiene, taking time to care for yourself is healthy for the self-esteem. I've noticed as well that on the days I can't be bothered to shower I am not at my usual mental acuity.
Excellent points, R. Keep 'em coming. Just come up for air once in a while! ;)
I miss her dearly and hope that reading what you have to say about depression and what your other readers have to say about depression will help me understand; and possibly help me help the other depressed person in my life stay alive.
Hanging on to any particular emotion (including happiness) after it's season can create problems. We must let go of the old in order to move on to the new things in store for us. It is part of the cycle of life. I enjoy my two year old and her antics now, but in five years I want to enjoy her as a seven year old. If I'm constantly wishing she'd go back to being two so I can enjoy it longer, I'm wasting the precious gift I've been given. Does that make sense at all?
Thanks again, Doug, for the opportunity to dialogue and reflect, and ponder, and most importantly, to laugh at ourselves.
I got caught up on what you've been writing this month and I have to add to what you wrote about structure. I have awful memory problems. I have to write everything down. I have a date book in my purse that I can't function without. I have a spiral notebook on my desk in which I write all the things I have to keep track of for the next week. And I still blow off appts accidentally.
As much as I LOVE spending the summer with my kids, and get a break from the daily grind of school routines, it's so tempting to lose all structure. And it's not good for me or my oldest kid. Now that they're back I'm slowly getting it back together. I'm also taking an online course this fall which has been a big demand. I'm formulating an overall time plan. For example, groceries on Monday. Only book the appt on Wednesday, that kind of thing. I think it's a step in the right direction. Missing an appt or forgetting something really can trigger a big old self-hatred-fest and I don't need that!!!Now I only have to know what day of the week it is.
Now you go get some sleep. Hang in there!
I'm sorry to hear of your friend. The wallowing is a real problem. They lose hope for a brighter future. The sadness can be so smothering. Does your other depressed loved one wallow? My column next week will be about how to address this problem for people trying to help depressives. I sure hope I'm up to the challenge.
Claire ~ You're welcome. I'm not sure I can take too much credit. Laughing at myself comes pretty easy. I mean, have you seen photos of me?
Esther ~ Thank you. I'm really glad you enjoy my quirky humor. Sometimes I REAALLY worry that I'm going to turn somebody off with my oddball jokes. ;)
Melissa ~ On one hand, we unfairly compare ourselves to others, but I believe that when we are the caretakers of children or others we can be hard on ourselves when our bodies don't let us perform our responsibilities. The trick is to not do that. LOL We need to cut ourselves some slack every once in a while.
Heidi the Hick ~ Thanks. I'm finally coming out of the stupid sickness. That was one nasty virus. Robyn, my wife, is fighting with it now.
Great ideas on how to manage your memory. I had never thought of designating one day to be appointment day. That's a fantastic idea. I'm going to use that one day in a column. :)
Those were some kind words you had for me. Too bad I don't believe in sleep. 5:44am and I'm still blogging. What a silly boy I am... Last night I couldn't sleep because I was so anxious about my big client meeting. And today I can't sleep because the meeting went so well I'm still hyper about it. Oh, tomorrow is going to hurt so bad...
The will to fight is something that should be able to be taught, don't you think? But it's not a popular message in this pharmacologically dependent culture.