Wary of Psych Meds? Here is My Personal Experience With Them.
Update 2016: This article was featured in my book
"Saying NO to Suicide", with added commentary.
"Saying NO to Suicide", with added commentary.
Just why am I so adamant against psych meds in the first place?
Since I was in elementary school until I became disabled at 25, I used psych meds to regulate my life. I started with Ritalin and moved up to Cylert in college. In my early twenties I had a great deal of faith in modern psychiatry. I wanted to fix my head and they promised to give me the tools to do it. The tools they gave me, however, came in bottles.
I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, a Panic Anxiety Disorder, and Depression. I took various psych meds for the Anxiety, but none worked. For Depression I took various meds like Wellbutrin and Paxil over a period of time that I cannot recall completely. The drugs made me quite loopy and disconnected. I'd acclimate, they'd up my dose. I'd acclimate, they'd up my dose. Soon I was taking the max of a particular drug so they'd switch me over to a different one. I repeated this cycle until I sought a specialist who gave me Desoxyn and Zoloft.
I remember how productive I was on Zoloft and Desoxyn. Boy, I accomplished a lot. I wondered if that was what "normal" people felt like. This period lasted for about three weeks. Then I started twitching and ticking. Even after stopping the Desoxyn I continued to tic. The ticking was so bad my wife had to cut my food for me. Fifteen years later I still tic and she still wants to cut my food, though I don't like to let her.
What is interesting to me is the fact that even though the Desoxyn had damaged me to the point that I ticked involuntarily, even when I stopped taking it I still continued the Zoloft. I trusted the doctors that much.
Having one's arms fling about madly for no reason while one's head tries to launch in the opposite direction tends to give one a different perspective on the efficacy of psych meds, however. I began to realize that even with the medications, I was still depressed. I took to hiding in my bedroom and wishing I was dead. The psych meds took the highs and lows out of my life, but I was still miserable. The Zoloft wasn't working.
At this point I was fairly fed up. On top of that the ticking grew progressively worse and after a while vocal tics followed. I no longer had faith that the doctors could help me. I figured I was distracted and moody before they messed me up, so I figured I could go back to being that way.
I stopped Zoloft cold turkey. I went through a 30 day period of intense Depression and suicidal ideation. It was a rocky month, but I came through on the other side free of psych meds and taking responsibility for my own mind again. Doctors had failed me so I was on my own. This is why I am personally opposed to psych meds as a solution. Statistics show that I am not alone, either. Psych meds are no more effective than sugar pills for a large portion of the population.These people in particular I am trying to reach with my writings. For them I spread the word that they don't have to be victims of their own mind. They can overcome these disabilities and be happy and productive again. The power to transform their life is inside their own minds.
This message may offend some. If you feel that psych meds are your own personal savior, then more power to you, but don't project that onto others. I also hope you will not feel the need to defend yourself for being on psych meds. If you are one of the small percentage that can actually make use of them, then, as I said before, more power to you. Some of us, however, need to find a different, non-medicated path, and it is high time that path was respected.
In the end, though, the method you use to overcome your Depression, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, etc. is between you and your advisor. I'm just trying to help you, my readers, understand why I get my socks all twisted in a lump when the subject of side-effects comes up. I'm permanently, neurologically damaged, and I consider it my duty to warn others of the dangers.
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Since I was in elementary school until I became disabled at 25, I used psych meds to regulate my life. I started with Ritalin and moved up to Cylert in college. In my early twenties I had a great deal of faith in modern psychiatry. I wanted to fix my head and they promised to give me the tools to do it. The tools they gave me, however, came in bottles.I was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, a Panic Anxiety Disorder, and Depression. I took various psych meds for the Anxiety, but none worked. For Depression I took various meds like Wellbutrin and Paxil over a period of time that I cannot recall completely. The drugs made me quite loopy and disconnected. I'd acclimate, they'd up my dose. I'd acclimate, they'd up my dose. Soon I was taking the max of a particular drug so they'd switch me over to a different one. I repeated this cycle until I sought a specialist who gave me Desoxyn and Zoloft.
I remember how productive I was on Zoloft and Desoxyn. Boy, I accomplished a lot. I wondered if that was what "normal" people felt like. This period lasted for about three weeks. Then I started twitching and ticking. Even after stopping the Desoxyn I continued to tic. The ticking was so bad my wife had to cut my food for me. Fifteen years later I still tic and she still wants to cut my food, though I don't like to let her.
What is interesting to me is the fact that even though the Desoxyn had damaged me to the point that I ticked involuntarily, even when I stopped taking it I still continued the Zoloft. I trusted the doctors that much.
Having one's arms fling about madly for no reason while one's head tries to launch in the opposite direction tends to give one a different perspective on the efficacy of psych meds, however. I began to realize that even with the medications, I was still depressed. I took to hiding in my bedroom and wishing I was dead. The psych meds took the highs and lows out of my life, but I was still miserable. The Zoloft wasn't working.
At this point I was fairly fed up. On top of that the ticking grew progressively worse and after a while vocal tics followed. I no longer had faith that the doctors could help me. I figured I was distracted and moody before they messed me up, so I figured I could go back to being that way.
I stopped Zoloft cold turkey. I went through a 30 day period of intense Depression and suicidal ideation. It was a rocky month, but I came through on the other side free of psych meds and taking responsibility for my own mind again. Doctors had failed me so I was on my own. This is why I am personally opposed to psych meds as a solution. Statistics show that I am not alone, either. Psych meds are no more effective than sugar pills for a large portion of the population.These people in particular I am trying to reach with my writings. For them I spread the word that they don't have to be victims of their own mind. They can overcome these disabilities and be happy and productive again. The power to transform their life is inside their own minds.
This message may offend some. If you feel that psych meds are your own personal savior, then more power to you, but don't project that onto others. I also hope you will not feel the need to defend yourself for being on psych meds. If you are one of the small percentage that can actually make use of them, then, as I said before, more power to you. Some of us, however, need to find a different, non-medicated path, and it is high time that path was respected.
In the end, though, the method you use to overcome your Depression, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, etc. is between you and your advisor. I'm just trying to help you, my readers, understand why I get my socks all twisted in a lump when the subject of side-effects comes up. I'm permanently, neurologically damaged, and I consider it my duty to warn others of the dangers.
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Comments
Here's my own history with medication:
I was diagnosed at the age of 28, in February 2005. I took Concerta for a few months, but found that 36mg wasn't enough, and 54 mg gave me a constant anxiety attack. I also had pretty severe rebound when the lower dose wore off. (Not fun!) One night, while on 36mg, I was up until 2.00 a.m., literally pacing my apartment and crying but I couldn't figure out what I was upset about.
I took 20mg Dexedrine next, for about six months, and it was great. No rebound effect, and I could concentrate when I needed to and everything. Started with three weeks of no appetite, which sucked because I already tend to forget to eat, but was awesome because I lost a decent amount of weight. Unfortunately, it wore off too early in the evening, and I wound up having trouble getting myself to go to bed at night. And then I made the mistake of telling my doctor (GP), who took me off that and put me on...
...Strattera, which - at only 36mg - gave me dyslexia (not a listed side effect but not unusual, either) and didn't really help me as much as the Dexedrine had. I took that for six months, too.
Then (in September 2006, the day after my 30 birthday) I was diagnosed with depression, and since the Strattera wasn't helping much anyway, I was initially given a prescription for 150mg Wellbutrin. Which made me feel like I was About To Die for just over a week. (Seriously, I was constantly hungry and nauseous, and was only semi-comfortable when lying down.)
So I was put on 10mg and then 20mg Cipralex (Lexapro in the US), and I've been taking that faithfully ever since. The doctor put me back on Dexedrine, as well, but I stopped taking that back in September or so because I found it wasn't really doing much for me anymore. I'm hoping to go off the Cipralex over the summer, and then gradually put more homeopathic remedies into my system come the fall (I think I'm dysthymic - constant low-level depression - and have SAD as well as clinical depression and ADHD).
The main reasons I think ADHD meds aren't necessary for me at this time are that I've learned a lot of skills that help me manage my life and work with my ADHD, I'm now back working 1:1 with autistic children (which requires me to have a random attention span!), and I've somehow managed to surround myself with friends (and a boyfriend) who understand and even appreciate my randomness. Obviously things could change in the future, and if they do, I'll go to my doctor and request Dexedrine again, only with small doses for morning and evening, to combat my inertia and so on.
In the meantime, I've discovered flavoured coffee and like it cold, so I'm good to go. ;)
We are making it, and things are looking up for us. My kids are happy and doing well in school. I have a continuing contract and tenure next year. I graduated from my master's program last Saturday.
I'm hopeful that his illness will eventually subside, with all the counseling, CBT, psychiatry, and effort we have pout into the healing, it's bound to, right?
:)
PS- I'm ba-a-a-ck
The only thing most shrinks know is to increase medication dose to max and then add another drug and another and another until you are a complete basket case. I don't believe this is helping the patient, but it's easy and profitable. I finally got fed up. My goal is to become more, not less, engaged in life which is the opposite effect of these drugs. I would like to stop taking these drugs, but suffer severe withdrawal effects which I was never warned about. I'm down to 37.5mg effexor, 30mg adderall and 450 mg wellbutrin and seemed to have reached a standstill.
Big pharmaceutical companies and the psychiatists should be brought to justice for the fraud and misery they have perpetrated on our society. But I don't hold out much hope since doctors and big pharma own the politicians and courts.
Well truth be told I was so far down and yet ridden with anxiety that I probably would have done anything to feel better, but that said, I have been on it for SEVEN years and my mental health doctor never once questioned if I really still needed it, never once did she mention how horrible it was to come off of.
I am still working on weaning off of my last med - Lexapro - I can do this...reading stories like your's really helps!
I have been on meds for mood, the most effective has been wellbutrin.
I have to say that I was still somewhat depressed on it and nothing I tried was really fully effective.I'm of all pharmaceuticals for 6 months.So I have been using therapy, trying to build solid community supports,and above all staying in an open emotional position and feeling all of my feelings and using a variety of things, excersise, writing,reading, talking and dealing with my emotions and learning how to stay present and cope....one day at a time and take responsibility for me and understand that life can just be very difficult sometimes, prayer, spirituality, nature, all help to keep me alive mindful and aware without medications...it's a big deal and there is a place in this world for me medication free and managing my energy levels without meds.I have to believe that today, I just cringe at the stories about side effects that I hear and I keep wondering to myself, we live in this instant quick fix society and I think that rather than try to put a bandaid on a gun shot wound we need to try everything before we medicate people and then use that only as a last resort.I don't advocate too much emotional suffering, but I don't see how you can learn to put in coping mechanisms without moving through the pain and faceing whatever the emotional block is..
If your open to it EFT is a form of acupressure u can use on yourself.You can look it up on google.
Eva
I ran across your blog this morning through Therese Borchard on Beliefnet. If you don't mind I'm going to put a link to your blog on PaxilProgress.org.
Oh, and I lost my dad in 2004 after a tragic accident on Christmas Day 2003. He had been diagnosed with Parkinson's earlier that year after being on Paxil approximately four years. The drug that he thought was wonderful and highly recommended to me turned on him bad. He tried twice to get off it and he said bitterly shortly before his accident that he was going to die on this drug. Sadly I was so numb and non-functional and manic myself at this point I didn't recognize what Paxil had done to me. I couldn't even morn his death, whatever small inheritance he left me was lost in my manic episodes after his death.
One of the difficult things with getting off these drugs is that when your personality starts to revert back to the real you, you can remember what you were like on the drug and the guilt is sometimes overpowering. Trying to put my life back together, financial and emotional, while fighting through this horrendous withdrawal has been unbelievable. I have a long way to go.
After my brief time on Zoloft I was so reluctant about Paxil. My doctor used the hard sell on me: Well-tolerated, totally safe -- safer than Zoloft, non-addictive -- and on and on. I said what the heck, maybe it will help. Paxil is very insidious. After eight weeks of bad physical side effects with my doc saying don't worry, they will go away, this is normal, I slid into the "honeymoon period" where I felt no pain and, heck, like my dad to me, I started recommending this crap to anybody who would listen. This seems very common. Sounds like a street drug, right? My dad and I had become GSK drug pushers. From reading the stories of others I found this is very common.
Oh, and one of the "rare" side effects of Paxil is alcohol abuse. Three years into "Paxil heaven" I became enamored of beer and drinking. Consuming alcohol was something I could take or leave, and basically my body didn't really like the stuff. Not on Paxil. I'm lucky I didn't become a full-blown alcoholic. This side effect is also not that rare. I was lucky, though, once off Paxil the switch was turned off -- no more alcohol craving.
Anyway, this is kind of long and I'll end this way. My son, who is now 24, is an alcoholic, and is just out of his second rehab and already slipping again. His whole life was riddled with drugs starting with Ritalin when he was around 9, when he was misdiagnosed as having ADHD. Ritalin was a nightmare I won't go into here. I took him off it after two years, things were so bad. The school was not happy about this. I won't get into school districts and their pill-pushing policies either. He was also then misdiagnosed as being bipolar, OCD -- a number of things. When he broke down completely the district finally gave me the funds to have him evaluated at a place of my choosing. After two years of no drugs he was thoroughly evaluated, not by psychs, but by a behavioral team, a two-week thorough evaluation. The diagnosis: Asperger's Syndrome, and no drugs were indicated.
As of this writing my supports are al-anon, therapy, spirituality, obviously PaxilProgress, and some wonderful people that God keeps putting in my path.
I am glad you are trying to get the message out there about psych drugs. It's not easy. In New Jersey one of the mods at PaxilProgress has worked to get an informed-consent bill passed that would require docs to tell patients thorough of all the risks associated with these meds, especially SSRIs. The Senate is all for it and the Governor wants to sign it. One person in one committee is blocking it. In the hearing for this bill the only witnesses against it were the docs, medical and psychs. I guess that's because if people out the truth and were able to weigh the risks they would vote no and find lasting ways to solve their problems, not masking them with a drug and risking their health and, in too many cases to count, their lives.
Thank you so much for your blog.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Diorder back in 1981. At that time, I was prescribed Lithium, mellaril and risperidone. Later, they switched the mellaril for vestiril. I continued to abuse both alcohol and drugs, so I rerally can't speak to the effacacy of this regimen, although my psych was astounded that I wasn't dead. Eleven years ago, I was suffering from untreated Bipolar (I'd quit taking the meds), untreated alcoholism and severe depression with extreme suicidal tendancies. I'd tried taking my own life several times, culminating in a two-day stay in a Milwaukee hospital in a hyperbaric chamber to remove the carbon monnoxide from my system (I have no recolection of this).
I ended up taking Depakoye, Paxil and Risperidone which seemed at first to help, along with cognitive therapy. I ultimately felt better and stopped all meds (even my blood pressure and colesterol meds). I did fine, by my reckoning (my wife sees it differently) for about three years. The increased depression and suicidal thoughts I put down to job stress. The rapidly dissapearing savings and late night raving I put down totrying to combat the job stress. I lived in this denial fo another year before I found myself with a shotgun in my mouth. I really can not tell you wy I didn't pull the trigger...I told myself that I needed to try the doctor thing one more time, so I could at least say that didn't work either. The funny thing was that I had gotten into recovery, and I thought that I didn't need the doctors and meds and all that because I could work things out with my sponsor and my Creator. DEnial ans stubbornness kept me alive, but just barely.
Today, I am taking Lamactyl, Celexa and Seroquel (the seroquel was prescribed to help me sleep, ultimately the tx is to discontinue it). I am in cognitive therapy again, and (at least today) I have no suicidal thoughts, and apparently little or no cycling. This has been 10 months now, and I feel...normal, whatever that means (my wife tells me that normal is just a setting on our dryer). My wife is not as anxious these days...I always thought it was the job crap; she's told me she saw death in my eyes right before I went for help, and I believe her. I am glad that a homeopathic approach works for you, and I am sorry that you got bad advice from the persons you were supposed to trust. I amd also saddened that your nuerologic damage is permanent; I was warned about the side effects of most of my meds before I took them and monitored for the tics and so forth by my doctor (there are a few good ones out there, if you look hard enough,and if you survive). Therapy has helped me to learn that happiness is an inside job and not the responsibility of the people around me.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share a little...Peace
These two facts meant that the depression I had went undiagnosed for a long, long time. Even after it was diagnosed and I was going to therapy, I didn't start medication for a longer time after that. Mostly because I didn't like the idea of taking it.
However, after trying everything under the sun to alleviate depression, medication was the only thing that pulled me out from under. Today it's just one of a number of methods I use to stave off depression, but it is essential; without it the other methods would inevitably fail.
I like your blog, and I understand where you are coming from. I wonder though, if your more anti-medication posts could include some sort of validation/cautionary statement for your readers that have medication as their only option. Something like: 'If medication works for you, don't use these posts to beat yourself up because your medication routine works. And if you're inspired by these posts and want to try dealing with depression without meds make sure that, before discontinuing your medication, you consult with your doctor, or a different one if necessary, for the best way to do so.'
People with depression tend towards being hard on themselves, perhaps a few words like the ones above could keep those who have to rely on medication from doing so.
I just have to say that I understand how painful depression can be and what a great relief a mood stabalizer can be for someone in the depths of a painful depression.I just do not believe the hype that medication is a long term answer.I think medications should be used sparingly and in the minimum dosages and that the right match is found for the right symptom.A real relationship with a really excellent psychiatrist/medical doctor is mandatory and necessary when treating any illness mental or physical.My discomfort comes in because we are such a consumer driven media hyped society Its easy to become "pillsy" in this day and age when everyone is trying to "sell" "sell"
"sell" product.
It feels so money driven to me ...the "health care industry" big pharmacuetical almost feels like big tobacco and big alcohol in their uber aggressive marketing approaches to doctors and consumers, money seems to be the "secret" ingredient...hundreds of varieties of pills both herbals and pharmecueticals seem bent on selling "the cure" for social ills common problems that everyone faces....that people very isolated in their thinking, social support, etc...seem to believe is "the answer" the pill is not the answer, if your lucky and you get some relief is normally 10 percent of the answer...a small lift to get you into you to start building a life.....happiness is not in a bottle, unless your looking at the happiness of the people who benefit from the sale of their well advertised product....I'm sure they are happy that they have convinced a large percentage of people that they are "chronically" in need of their medications to "survive"/There are people on the planet who do get better and move on to pharmacuetical free and a pill free life.....surprised? It seems that the trend in the U.S. has always been the softer easier way which turns out to be the softer and easier way for the men and women making a profit from other people's misery, sorry....but caveat emptor still applies let the buyer beware...lots of people are very rich and getting richer from the pills that your popping...have co pays decreased? not that cheap when you ad them up....and don't tell me docs don't prescribe the newest "wonder drug" that big pharmacy is selling, with all the side effects and the co-pays its a wonder some survive the "miracle cure"
All I'm saying is be careful, because lots of people want to make money from the vulnerable.......and don't necessarily want or agree that "once your identified" as someone who is their "consumer" of their "product" that they want you to get better, because then you stop using the product their selling.I am still not convinced that big pharmacey wants to find a cure because then what's in it for them if there is an end....their product is no longer for sale....and their profit????????
Seriously, the decision as to your pain level, emotional or physical is a private one, that decision to start meds has to be made between you and your doctor.My concern is the chronicity factor....if your using meds to help you cope what environmental changes can you make to help yourself feel better, along with the medication regime and then once those changes have been made are the meds necessary? if they are they are...but indiscriminane use of meds for every little problem common......If you really have a form of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia and need maintenance meds that's a decision that you have come to over a period of time and you understand that you need those meds like diabetes, like high blood pressure, heart disease, it has to be treated, but it doesn't stop there.....life is so much more complex.I just really believe that we are all just too hung up on the fact that the whole solution and answer is in a pill or a drug and its not, maybe there is another solution and if not then lets not do overkill and medicate the broken fingernail or the lost eyelash:)
My own depression was cured by an adjustment in my thyroid medicine from a synthetic to Armour, which has all 7 of the thyroid hormones.
I have gone through my anti-ADHD/depression cycle and determined after a few years that it's just not for me.
SO many people I know have been helped this way that I felt odd-woman-out. You have brought me to a better sense of peace, and I thank you for it.