A Splintered Mind

Hanging my head in shame and staying home because I'm not a famous, rich, successful whatever is boring. It is so much more fun to get out and mingle with people. I'm not sure when I discovered this, though, but it didn't come without a lot of resistance on my part. I used to hide at home, certain the world would think less of me because everybody knew that I dropped out of college when I became disabled. They also had access to my current bank balance and knew, I mean really KNEW, how close to zero I rode things. As far as I was concerned, everyone was intimately aware that I was a loser, right? Well, that's what I used to think, because that's what I believed about myself. How stupid. For the past few years I've been attending writers conferences, pushing myself to abandon these foolish fancies and face an inconvenient truth: People actually like me. I know. Weird, huh? So when I learned that my friends, Brodi Ashton and Bree Despain, were hitting ev...

As the fourth year of my blog comes to a close, I've lived through some interesting events. I saw drama with the jeopardy of my marriage, pain from a dark secret revealed by an old friend, and a waist line that refused to acquiesce to all my best efforts. I realize that last bit is slight, but when your disabilities strain your loved ones and they want out, and you learn an old friend got kinky with your three year old , you look for laughs where you can. I had written about both events several times—even a version or two that my wife approved of—but since both events happened in the same 30 days, I wrote about them at the same time just like now, and it was simply too dark. Writing here is supposed to free me and help me cope with my Depression, Adult ADHD, and tic disorder, not suffocate me. I didn't have the heart to post the articles. So why am I writing about it now? These events are still not funny. They may never be. In fact, there isn't enough cheek in my size...

I'll be taking a break from blogging until next Tuesday. Until then, I hope your holiday is going well. Ours looked as if it would be a disaster, but turned out to be quite nice in the end. Best of all, I loved spending Christmas with my family. It's different when they're all home, on their best behavior, and we have absolutely nowhere to go. There must be a way to bottle the euphoria that hangs in the air after all the presents have been opened so we can breathe it in later. My kids would suggest that I should give them presents all year long, but I had something more spiritual in mind… In the meantime, leave a comment below. I'd love to know what your most embarrassing ADHD holiday goof was, or, if you suffer from Depression, I'd love to know what gift boosted your spirits the most. For me, forgetting to buy my daughter's birthday present in time for her birthday yesterday may very well go down as the worst mistake I have ever made. Telling her “it ha...

In which Douglas is actually not freaked out on his birthday. He did it the day before instead. I turn forty three today. No longer the Adamsian figure of forty two , there is no witty shared joke about my age. It's forty three. Life, the Universe, and Everything no longer applies. There are no answers; I need to find my own. I awoke yesterday in a black mood. My friend, Bree Despain, had a book released ( The Dark Divine ). She had hoped it would be released at midnight Eastern Standard Time, but alas, 12AM EST sailed right by. She made the best of it , but then stopped tweeting altogether. I could only assume she went to bed. I couldn't relate. Go to bed before your book goes live on Amazon.com? How could she do that‽ I guessed that Amazon.com was probably waiting for 12am PST/1am MST, and sure enough I was able to post the first review on Bree's fabulous book. When I awoke at 2pm, Bree had been up for hours. Not only did she go to bed at a decent hour, but sh...

I just finished the last edits on a rewrite for ADDitude Magazine . I'm working up an article for them based on my experiment in May '08 regarding Multi-Irons Syndrome . Revisiting that material has been eye opening for me. In fact, it's shaping the focus of my blog going forward. Instead of random ramblings, I've been mulling over the idea of having a goal for the year—something to work toward. I have to admit being inspired by Julie & Julia . I like the idea of blogging with a purpose. That's what worked for the MIS articles and I'm surprised I haven't done more of it. It's like I was distracted or something.

There won't be an article today. I put my all into the interview with HealthyPlace TV, which I'll embed below. The glitches were annoying, but humorous. I would wait for my video feed to be active and it would be black, leading me to believe there was a problem. And then there'd be this big window with a red X in it warning me of impending doom. All the while, my video was being recorded and sent out into the ether. Good thing I didn't do anything embarrassing during those moments. As for the content, aside from my interstellar performance and funny faces, the commentary by the hosts was insightful, especially Dr. Croft's. Both men discussed ADHD & Depression in a clear way that I highly recommend you take time to listen to. I have not very often bumped into people that get me and what I've been dealing with all my life. Most especially, I have not often bumped into doctors that not only have heard of Desoxyn, but of what it can do to a rare few. I don't...

I was contacted last week by the good folks over at HealthyPlace TV . Apparently, they had read my blog and felt I was perfect for a public drubbing, live and on internet TV no less. I told them that I was allergic to raw tomatoes, but they assured me they only used bricks, so I said that would be fine. The request looked something like this: Our show, Tuesday night, December 15, focuses on the emotional and psychological aspects of having ADHD and Depression. I'm writing to ask if you would be a guest on the show. We are looking for someone to share their personal story so that others may learn from it and know they are not alone in their own experiences. Can't you just see the malice rising from the text like evil tendrils of smokey…no. I can't see it either. In fact, I almost didn't believe my eyes. Somebody out there recognized that living with AD/HD & Depression wasn't a figment of my whiney imagination or a walk in a marshmallow park? After some tentative ...

Blue in hawthorne by polandeze . As much work as they were, I really missed these writing exercises. At first I didn't think they fit on the blog, but lately I've been getting extremely bored writing about my problems. How many different ways can I write "I'm a failure/I'm not really a failure"? I'd rather do something more constructive. When I was researching my Secret Cat Project a few weeks ago, I came across this lovely Abyssinian silver. Immediately, I asked myself, "What's this cat looking at?" Keep your reply short (advice meant for me) and have some fun with it. I'll start: Mrs. Sibbins' cat sat in our tree and continued to stare down at us. Katy was blowing out candles and everyone was cheering, but I couldn't keep my eye off that cat. It was so beautiful with its tall ears and long, flyaway whiskers—almost like antenna. And such golden eyes. I usually loved looking it. Why was it making me feel nervous ...

Dustin 's name was selected as our latest winner. Congratulations. Now you get puppies and a book. Click on the Contact Info link at the bottom of the page and send me your address after you've looked over the meager selection (I hope Santa brings me more books to give away). Click on the photo for a higher res version. You have a week to claim your prize. I'll try to get your book out to you before Christmas.

Over the years I have found many readers either start following me for my posts on Depression, or they start following me for my posts on AD/HD. If I go through a period of covering one subject more than the other, I lose new readers. Now that I'm exploring writing as a new subject, I imagine this problem will grow worse. It's time to organize my blog in a way that will benefit my various readers. It's not their fault my mind goes in several directions at once. Since I'm working on a new blog design for my 5th year anniversary on January 5th, I've been rethinking what belongs here and what doesn't. I've got some changes in mind for my blog, and maybe an end in mind as well. First, though, I want to offer my three major writing subjects up at the top. Each link will load only articles relevant to that subject. Even better, I figured out the unique RSS feed for each subject. Now my readers can follow just one particular subject if they choose. The RSS ico...

Every year, Daylight Savings Time comes and ushers in a world of hurt for many people as they collectively deal with an hour less of precious sunlight. Our agrarian society is now a metropolitan one of artificial lights and deep indoors. The lack of sunlight at the end of the day strikes a hearty blow to those who suffer from Winter Depression, aka Seasonal Affective Disorder. The Winter months see the shortest days of the year starting in the end of September until the Winter Equinox in December. If you find yourself more depressed in the Fall than at any other time of year, this may be the reason why. I explore my own experiences with Winter Depression below. Perhaps there’s something I’ve discovered about myself that might be relevant to you as well: Daylight Savings Time - My New Sworn Enemy - November ’08 I Wondered What Was Happening - November ’08 Less sun, more depression for people with SAD - (CNN) Dec. ’08 Putting a Spotlight on Seasonal Affective Disorder - ...

Two weeks ago one of my "full spectrum" bulbs went out in my kitchen. I immediately noticed a hit in my ability to push back Winter Depression over the next few days. Fortunately, I soon started turning my sleep schedule around to take advantage of daylight hours. Then when one of my readers asked me which types of bulbs to buy , I saw an opportunity. Why just buy a replacement when I could stand in the middle of Target and take pictures of light bulbs for my blog while weirding out the Christmas shoppers? So, with burnt CFL in pocket, I headed off to Target. The first thing I noticed was that there were considerably more CFLs for sale than last year. In fact, there was a veritable CFL sea. I could see why a reader might find my descriptions of the light bulbs vague and confusing. Several thousand lightbulbs met my eye, maybe even millions, all only slightly different from each other. Clearly the lightbulb manufacturers of the world were sadists who were targeting those...

Family drama from the other night knocked my fresh, new sleep schedule out of bed and onto the floor. Here I am two mornings later at 6:08am, tired but unable to let go. Awake, but too tired to do anything productive. There's no way I'm going to make it to church this morning. Since my daughter gave us an appendicitis scare last night at Primary Children's hospital, I will need to stay home and miss church anyway so that I can be on hand if she needs me. She'll likely sleep the morning away, but it would be more of a noble sacrifice if I was actually awake during those hours instead of sucking air through a CPAP. Fortunately, I can finally feel the weight of "Nature's soft nurse" on my eyelids, but 6am is such a ghastly hour to fall asleep. The sun, that evil ball of "You think I'll let you sleep past 10?", will be rising soon. I remain convinced, however, that mastering my AD/HD will require mastering my sleep schedule. With greater ...

Free Book Friday. It seemed like such a simple idea. After a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday (and after very successful comment system beta test. Thanks, guys!), I completely forgot to select a winner, post about it, mail off the previous winner's book, and blog. I blame the turkey. I've had far too much of it and I've had to get a wheelbarrow to haul my belly around. This makes getting out of my bedroom, down the stairs, and through the hallway into the kitchen to write very difficult. The doors & hallways are simply not wide enough. For the wheelbarrow, of course. My big problem with the contest was that no one initially participated. I wrote: All you have to do to get your hands on one of them is read my story sample and leave a comment no shorter than three words either here or at that entry. I'll pick one winner at random and announce the name next Tuesday. You have until one week from that day to claim your prize. Just three words. It's easy. Not ...

There's been a lot of drama in my life lately like a storm front moving over my life. I haven't chronicled even a tenth of it here. Some of it is very personal; some of it very boring. What I can tell you is that aside from dealing with AD/HD and Chronic Motor Tic Disorder, organizing the holidays, carting kids around, and working on my children's book, my biggest project recently has been turning my sleep schedule around. Insomnia is a problem for me, but I've been making progress. I can happily say that it's 3:30am and I'm feeling tired, which is regrettably an unusual situation for me. However, I'll take progress where I can. Incidentally, I must now retire to bed in order to continue turning my schedule around. In the meantime, take a look at this photo and decide for yourself if you want the storm to come in or to move out of your life. I decided I wanted the storm to move out, so I took action to make it happen. I started with my sleep schedul...