ADHD and Impulsivity: Brilliant Serendipity or Moronic Happenchance?
I've been looking over my blog entries of late and discovered a problem. When did I become so serious? Look at comments in "Depression: Random Web Therapy". According to an anonymous reader, my blog is even a downer. The horrors!When I was certain that the five people subscribed to my blog were actually my three Macs, my mother, and my mother-in-law I could be free to say whatever I felt like. Becoming a Blog of Note changed me, however. It's not that my hat suddenly didn't fit due to my ego, or that I began demanding special treatment, though I did mandate my children should call me "Oh Mighty Master". But what father doesn't? Right? Still, something had changed.
Perhaps it is time I was honest with you folks.
Hello. My name is Douglas and I'm a recovering 40 year old. I tried to stop it from happening, but I just can't seem to shake this monkey from my back. I'd fling myself off a bridge with a bungee cord tied to my toe if I thought it would do any good, but I'd just end up in traction. No, it's time I faced facts. I'm 40. And somehow I stopped letting myself be impulsive on this blog. Readers find casket sales more entertaining than me. But is that really true?
Most people consider impulsivity a serious detriment, but on the whole I rather like it. When you suffer from instantaneous boredom a few thousand times a day as I do, you're bound to strike out impulsively one time or another to save yourself. It is true that this process can involve me in several dozen new projects by each week's end, but it also helps me discover the unique and beautiful things this world has to offer. There are always two sides to this coin.
Inside Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults there is a very short section dedicated to this very phenomenon:
12. Impulsive, either in verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like.
This is one of the more dangerous of the adult symptoms, or, depending on the impulse, one of the more advantageous.
Being impulsive is generally regarded as a very immature quality, and in your average bear it would be. Certainly there are vast detriments to this tendency. Foot in mouth disease, addiction, excessive purchases (I still have 7 boxes left), changing colleges three times and swapping majors just as often before you're twenty five...not that I'm speaking from experience, of course. When I think back on my youth, I see all sorts of impulsive behaviors that ended up embarrassing me. As I turned twenty I began to mature which, thankfully, saved me from continuing the stupid pranks and hijinks that were bound to get me arrested one day. However, not all my impulses were bad.
Being impulsive helped me get lots of dates in college. Being impulsive helped me explore over 42 States. Being impulsive opened up new sounds, new flavors, new vistas, and new paradigms to enrich my world. Being impulsive made me mildly entertaining for my friends - the greatest and truest group of friends I've ever had in my life. In fact, I wouldn't have met them if one day I hadn't impulsively decided - on a whim no less - to form an anime fan club and host it in my home. Most of all, being impulsive saves me from Depression and Boredom.
Unfortunately, growing older and becoming more mature means that I can also exercise more control over my impulses. This has allowed me to become more focused on long term goals, something I couldn't do for the life of me back in college. Striking out in new directions is disruptive to long term goals, obviously, but this has caused me to clamp down on spontaneity in my life. Frankly, clipping my wings has taken some of the life out of me. A part of me reasons if I'm not impulsive I am not Douglas Cootey. In addition, controlling impulses means dealing with boredom which is discomforting and depression-inducing for me.
Impulses do need to be controlled. We cannot allow ourselves to live like animals. We cannot allow ourselves to ruin our lives and the lives of others because of our whims. At the same time, however, ADHD makes us unique. Our impulsivity can be a valuable asset in our lives which gives us a competitive and creative edge.
Our task as people with AD/HD, therefore, is to learn how to balance control and liberty. Too much of either leads to misery, but in balance we can have the best of both worlds. I find that there is a difference between being bored and being unhappy. If I'm simply bored, then I refocus my energies to the task at hand. Impulses then are a detraction. However, when I recognize that I'm unhappy, then I know that there isn't enough liberty in my life. That's why I went on my trip yesterday. That's why I take silly pictures. And that's why I blog about whatever comes to my mind these days. Impulsivity adds to the flavor of who I am. There's no point in beating myself up about it. Instead, I'd rather embrace it's positive aspects.
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Comments
Claire ~ You're right that everyone could use some spontaneity in their life. Life should be enjoyed, not endured. However, as with any other attribute, people with AD/HD are really no different than anybody else except for the frequency and intensity of these attributes. Boredom is such an issue for the AD/HD mind that often the AD/HD person doesn't even realize that they had become bored and their brain has engaged on a new activity. The process is instantaneous. It's compulsive. It's almost involuntary. That's what makes it a condition. I had to live many years before I gained the maturity, will power, and coping strategies to keep my impulses at bay - well, at least the harmful ones.
Thanks for commenting.
I don't know what it is--perhaps just the question of looking at it from hindsight--but the areas of my life where I was most spontaneous tended to be the happiest and work the smoothest. Decisions I agonized over tended to be the ones I regretted most, regardless of what decision I made.
Not sure if this means anything highly significant; I just thought it was interesting.
Now my daughter no longer wants him in the house. He doesn't listen, doesn't help with chores, took her truck four wheeling covering it with mud, yells back at her, etc. He has stolen from people in the house as well. None on this is new. My daughter got remarried last year and her husband says a "good beating" like his parents gave him is all he needs. He (son-in-law)calls me and asks me what to do, that he wasn't raised like that. I don't know what to do. My daughter let him get away with a lot for many reasons (divorce from his dad who ended up in jail for life; guilt trip, lethargy and head in sand on her part; just didn't seem to know what to do). My grandson doesn't get along with his step father however he got along with other men in her life so I don't know. Actually, his older sister and younger sister don't either. He, my son-in-law came in like gang busters and made immediate changes so I am not surprized.
What is worse is that he is on probation for fencing stolen goods and I am terrified that he will go to jail if he doesn't soon learn how to control himself. Adding to that, his license is suspended (tickets) and my daugher lets him drive her truck because "it is easier than listening to him or driving him". God I hate this.
I feel so badly for him because now all that was allowed in not allowed and he is now the bad person, the one hurting his mom's chance for happiness. I am not saying he shouldn't be held accountable nor that his actions are right, but to just say you hate him and tell him to get out isn't going to cure anything. My daughter said she threw him out after he had a tantrum (repeatly kit his head with the keyboard because she would not make a decision that he wanted) and that he came back.
I don't know what I can do (besides pray) for him. We do email each other. I send him articles I know he will be interested in and tell him it is part of his ongoing liberal education. Later, we often talk about the topics. I recently asked to read a book I did when I was a young mom and in stress (husband was an alcoholic). It is "Your Inner Child of the Past". I told him there is a great tool mentioned by the author re: listing what triggers you, how you currently reacting to them and how you want to act. I couldn't remember what the author said but I told him when he senses a trigger, to take a slow deep breath and to say a simple prayer, such as, God please help me now. I don't know if he will. Funny thing is that when around me, he listens to me. He said he knows I mean it.
Do you have any suggestions for my daughter and her husband - any for me to help my grandson?
Gramma - I've already emailed you a response, but I am going to post it here for others to read as well. Hang in there. People with AD/HD tend to be 10 years behind emotionally I hear. That means that if you can keep your grandson out of jail, you have a better life with him ahead when he hits his 30's. Here's the letter:
Thanks for writing, Gramma. My heart goes out to you.
There are usually two things I recommend to parents with a troubled AD/HD child: therapy (usually cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)) or a life coach. The problem with both suggestions is that your boy is an adult. He needs to want to change - to want to improve - before any sort of help can be sought. Otherwise, you are wasting your time and money.
It is good that you have a solid report with him. My recommendation is to first get him to see his life is out of control and that it doesn't have to be that way. I'm afraid your daughter didn't do him any favors by being so lenient, but all is not lost. If you can get him to see that he needs to control his AD/HD or face dire circumstances you might be able to get him into some therapy. An AD/HD life coach is a service that is most likely beyond his use at the moment.
I wouldn't recommend traditional therapy, however. He needs coping strategies to regulate his mind and help him rein in his impulses. A cognitive behavior therapist who specializes in AD/HD would be the best bet. Basically, CBT states that our thoughts influence our feelings and our behavior. Control our thoughts, control our moods and behaviors.
Here are some links with more information on this very successful form of therapy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm
Find a CBT in your area: http://www.nacbt.org/searchfortherapists.asp
Therapy is generally expensive, however, but a CBT who specializes in AD/HD can really provide your boy some much needed guidance. He can't wave a magic wand to fix things. Your boy must want to work at changing how he thinks. If necessary, and if the therapist is also a licensed psychologist, he could prescribe medications that could help your boy control his impulses. Just watch out for side-effects. I generally don't recommend meds because they hurt me and I can not in good conscience recommend them to others. However, that is a decision that your grandson needs to make with his psychologist.
So, in summary:
1) Get your grandson to recognize that he needs help
2) Help him want to change. Help him believe he can control his impulses.
3) Find a therapist/psychologist who will teach your grandson coping strategies to help regulate his mind (I recommend a CBT)
4) Continue praying. Pray to soften his heart and help him be open to new ways of thinking.
I wish you the best of luck. You are in a unique position to truly reach out and help this young man. Don't give up hope. And please let me know how things go.
Best regards,
Douglas Cootey
Not-so-surprisingly, as one who also deals with ADD or "Really really right-brained-ness", I have to force myself to read through your long articles.
I want all the info...but in fewer words.
(which is a bit unfair, because i tend to type really long articles -and typed wordy papers in school- when I got on a roll or "into a groove")
ummm... i guess this is my long-winded way of saying thanks and i will be back!!
-Alex