Dear ADHD, Why Is Making Friends So Difficult?
Dear ADHD,I've been reflecting on the last Writers & Illustrators for Young Readers conference I attended and realized I didn't really make lasting friendships. In fact, I haven't made any long lasting friends with any of the people in this or last year's classes. As a rule, I seem to get along better with the published authors than the unpublished ones. I'm wondering if you have any insights into that.
You've been to a lot of conferences, I'm sure, and seen people like me hit the social fan—ego all bespattered. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong. I know there's no magic formula for making friends. Certainly my classmates receive me warmly when seeing me. I just didn't click with any of them. Somehow, I'm missing that crucial last step to get on the IN list.
Do you think I'm exaggerating? How could I forget my favorite moment during the last conference when my classmates all said they'd meet at Zupas for lunch. When I showed up, no one was there. Plans obviously changed at the last minute. I suspect no conspiracy. I just wasn't hooked into their world enough to be let in on the change. Or maybe I didn't hear correctly.
I plan on channelling that moment into a book. Nothing like reliving High School to make young adult novels seem more realistic. At least I didn't get pantsed.
So many of my wonderful attributes could be factors. I have ADHD, as you may have noticed, and could be missing large planetoid-sized social cues—cues like "Hey, let's go somewhere else instead!" while I was preoccupied looking up the first address on my iPhone. Then there's my chronic motor ticking which can be off-putting for some people. Sad, but true. And let's not forget my terrible halitosis (I do stock a ready supply of mints, though).
More likely, however, it is simply the fact I am not at ease around them. I worry if they will like me or find me interesting. I don't worry about that with published authors. I don't expect friendship with them, leaving me pleasantly surprised when we get along. But I do expect friendships with my classmates. And, coincidentally, policemen who pull me over. Maybe desperation is palpable—or at least it causes unsightly underarm stains. I hear those are ginormous turnoffs.
Then there is my wonderful conversational ability to consider. I speak deeply when light conversation is in the air, and speak lightly when more serious matters are underway. I also often feel like a tourist in a foreign land who forgot to study up on the local language and is forced to shout "WHERE…IS…THE…MEN'S…ROOM?" while pantomiming embarrassing gestures to get my point across. That can't be helpful.
Perhaps if I convinced myself that they were all famous authors, including the policemen, and stopped worrying about finding a new bestest bosom companion ever I might get along with them better. Maybe my apprehensions and worries are my greatest obstacle.
Or maybe there's nothing wrong with me at all. Sometimes people just don't click. One thing I've learned from you is that I needlessly worry about things out of my control. They eat at me like hungry horseflies thanks to your influence. This could be one of those moments. After all, I do get along with the authors, though they didn't invite me to lunch either.
If I choose to go to another writer's workshop in the future, I'll keep these thoughts in mind. Next time I'll treat everybody as a celebrity and be sure to make lots of friends, especially if I bug them for their autograph in the restrooms. They won't mind. Remember that time twenty years ago when I followed Michael Keaton into the SLC Airport restroom? He was all smiles, so I know everything was OK.
Thanks for making my life interesting. After all, if I do eventually get to the end of my novel I wouldn't want to think that networking my novel into reality was going to be a snap.
Your devoted victim,
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Comments
Also quite sad. I'm sorry you were left out when everbody went to Zupa's (I did find a hair in my soup when I ate at Zupa's once, if that makes you feel better. Things there were never the same for me again).
People, famous or not, like you. And guess what? Most people, famous or not, feel just like you. Without the armpit stains maybe.
I'm not sure whether this may be the problem in your case, but in my sister's case part of the problem is that she isn't actually dealing with peers. She's had more life experiences than most of her classmates, she has more of an interest in art and books than all but a handful of them, and she is far more interesting to her professors than to the other students. Maybe you connect with the published authors more because, on some level, you are already thinking of yourself as a published author. (That's not a bad mindset, btw.)
My wife and I opted to use cognitive training for our son, Alex. We used Play Attention (www.playattention.com) and ADHD Nanny (www.adhdnanny.com). We've been very successful with these approaches. We also changed our parenting skills with great success.
It's just important to know that medicine teaches nothing. Parents and teachers must actively participate to help change a child's life.
I'm also aware that 1 - 4 months of academic achievement are lost over the summer by the average student. It was far worse than that for our son, Alex. Thus, we began the next year with a big deficit. Not anymore!
Soozcat ~ Thank you for the high compliment. Maybe sometimes that could be true, but I think for the most part it’s really just in my head. I simply care more about what my peers think than the visiting dignitaries, so I become more reserved around my peers.
John Glennon ~ Great tips. Thanks for sharing those. In regards to your comments and my dilemma above, AD/HD may explain why I’m out of sync with my peers, but I’ll need to develop some cognitive techniques to help myself offset this disadvantage. The alternative is to always feel like a failure after every conference, eventually not attending any conferences at all. Obviously, not a good plan.
Liz ~ Now that’s a clever solution! BE the one who makes the plans. Unless you have a falling out with yourself, this would ensure you never miss a meetup. Thanks. ;)
Brodi ~ Dude, you rock! As I was mentioning to Carol, I had no idea that this was such a universal feeling. I could build on that next time. All I have to do is make sure everyone realizes how uncomfortable they are and we’ll have lots in common. I could even make them even more uncomfortable by revealing too much personal details about my life like I always do. I’ll be the hit of the conference! You are a pal!
Lily ~ Thanks, Lily. I appreciate the comment.
Holly ~ Hey there. Thanks for commenting. Only after I wrote this did it occur to me that my conference peers might read it. Talk about your ADHD. Your tip on offering a ride is great. It’s right up there with Liz’s, but I like it better. I’m lousy at organizing.
Your questions about friendship are worth a blog post all of their own. Quick tips would be to encourage the humor, but train him to make sure that everybody is enjoying the joke. Role playing once a week might provide the training he needs. Repetition is vital to ADHD learning. In the role playing you can help him feel what its like to be on the receiving end of mean teasing. What I do with my 10yo (mild ADHD) is help her think of what she could have said instead. Over time this has helped her have a wider variety of responses and helped her feel confident that she can deal with each situation.
Great comments from everyone. I’m sorry family drama dragged me away from getting back to you quicker. You all really added new dimensions to the article. I loved every one of your comments. You have no idea how much I needed to read them. Thanks.
~Douglas