ADHD: Art Desks of DOOM!
The number three symptom in Hallowell and Ratey's Diagnostic Criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults is procrastination.
As I reread that snippet I found myself laughing. Surely *I* wasn't afraid of any projects. Wasn't it often another ADHD trait, fear of boredom, that steered me away from the things I was supposed to be doing? Wasn't easy distractibility usually the main culprit? Or perhaps fixation was at fault?
ADHD people tend to get fixated. So instead of rushing to repair the roof before it rains we're more likely to spend the afternoon indexing our 20 gigabyte MP3 collection with ID3 tags, researching model decal application techniques, or participating in intellectually stimulating but meaningless internet forums. Then the rain comes and we look foolish. We're not really afraid of the roof, we're just having a hard time putting down what we were doing to get up there to fix it.
So I agreed that Hallowell and Ratey's main criteria were hallmarks of the ADHD adult, but I disagreed with the explanation they offered. Then I remembered my art desk and I felt FEAR. The kind that makes your heart and breath stop even for a moment. I was terrified of my art desk.
I wish I could relate to you a humorous anecdote of the time my art desk leaped out at me one night and scared me silly, but my art desk has never so much as moved an inch at me. I, on the other hand, have tried to leap, fly, and soar with my skills before I could do the proverbial walk and took on projects that were beyond my reach. They didn't so much stretch me as they strained and distorted me, leaving me rather sore and sour. I could have grown from those experiences if it hadn't been for my luck that year. Some business partners stole my art and sicked lawyers on me, I had a violent reaction to medication meant to treat ADHD (giving me Chronic Motor Tic Disorder - my major disability) and my wife balked at spending money on a con I wanted to send art to. That last act was the final straw for my stretched out mind. Moodiness became full blown depression, I was certain the world didn't like me anymore, and I didn't enter my studio again for nine months. I buried myself inside the binary world of my Amiga 500 instead.
When I came out of my funk I had an aversion to art desks. For example, to get into my local art store these days I have to pass a gauntlet of glaring white desks. I get the shakes and go weak in the knees. The ladies in the store rush up to me and ask "Can I help you?" and I know they wouldn't just ask anybody that. They KNOW. They see the fear. Just when I'm certain they are going to ask "Can I interest you in a shiny new art desk with sharp edges and violent white spaces?" I bolt and run.
Where was I again? Oh, right. Procrastination via fear. I don't fear many projects. I still take on more than I can chew, but even if I draw I still fear that art desk. Somewhere I began to associate personal failure with art and I've been fighting it ever since.
I believe that distractibility, the inability to switch gears, and a near pathological fear of boredom are the main aspects of ADHD procrastination. We do struggle with procrastination more so than most people who I would consider normal and successful. However, I disagree with the doctors that fear of failure should be used when describing the criteria that help people define ADD in adults. Don't we all fear failure at one point or another? Isn't there something inside all of us that stops us from spreading out our wings and flying? Perhaps people with ADHD have a more intense fear, which wouldn't surprise me, but I am fairly fearless about many things in my life. There is much I do not worry about whether I will succeed or not. I am too compelled. This column is a perfect example. Who reads it? There are maybe 40 people a day who come by and look it over for apparently 5 seconds or less. And still I write. Failure? Fear? They have no hold on this compulsion to express myself. I know that many other people with ADHD can relate with me. I know I am not alone. We burn brightly and follow our own paths. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to light everything else around us on fire.
Interestingly, there is not much I can do about distractibility and fixation, but I can do something about fear. I can face it and conquer it. So here's what I propose. Let's make a goal and keep it this week. I will sit down and draw two critters this week and post them by Friday and I'll finish a new illustration by Christmas if it kills me. Can you face your fears?
3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.
Adults with ADD associate so much anxiety with beginning a task, due to their fears that they won't do it right, that they put it off, and off, which, of course, only adds to the anxiety around the task.
As I reread that snippet I found myself laughing. Surely *I* wasn't afraid of any projects. Wasn't it often another ADHD trait, fear of boredom, that steered me away from the things I was supposed to be doing? Wasn't easy distractibility usually the main culprit? Or perhaps fixation was at fault?ADHD people tend to get fixated. So instead of rushing to repair the roof before it rains we're more likely to spend the afternoon indexing our 20 gigabyte MP3 collection with ID3 tags, researching model decal application techniques, or participating in intellectually stimulating but meaningless internet forums. Then the rain comes and we look foolish. We're not really afraid of the roof, we're just having a hard time putting down what we were doing to get up there to fix it.
So I agreed that Hallowell and Ratey's main criteria were hallmarks of the ADHD adult, but I disagreed with the explanation they offered. Then I remembered my art desk and I felt FEAR. The kind that makes your heart and breath stop even for a moment. I was terrified of my art desk.
I wish I could relate to you a humorous anecdote of the time my art desk leaped out at me one night and scared me silly, but my art desk has never so much as moved an inch at me. I, on the other hand, have tried to leap, fly, and soar with my skills before I could do the proverbial walk and took on projects that were beyond my reach. They didn't so much stretch me as they strained and distorted me, leaving me rather sore and sour. I could have grown from those experiences if it hadn't been for my luck that year. Some business partners stole my art and sicked lawyers on me, I had a violent reaction to medication meant to treat ADHD (giving me Chronic Motor Tic Disorder - my major disability) and my wife balked at spending money on a con I wanted to send art to. That last act was the final straw for my stretched out mind. Moodiness became full blown depression, I was certain the world didn't like me anymore, and I didn't enter my studio again for nine months. I buried myself inside the binary world of my Amiga 500 instead.
When I came out of my funk I had an aversion to art desks. For example, to get into my local art store these days I have to pass a gauntlet of glaring white desks. I get the shakes and go weak in the knees. The ladies in the store rush up to me and ask "Can I help you?" and I know they wouldn't just ask anybody that. They KNOW. They see the fear. Just when I'm certain they are going to ask "Can I interest you in a shiny new art desk with sharp edges and violent white spaces?" I bolt and run.
Where was I again? Oh, right. Procrastination via fear. I don't fear many projects. I still take on more than I can chew, but even if I draw I still fear that art desk. Somewhere I began to associate personal failure with art and I've been fighting it ever since.
I believe that distractibility, the inability to switch gears, and a near pathological fear of boredom are the main aspects of ADHD procrastination. We do struggle with procrastination more so than most people who I would consider normal and successful. However, I disagree with the doctors that fear of failure should be used when describing the criteria that help people define ADD in adults. Don't we all fear failure at one point or another? Isn't there something inside all of us that stops us from spreading out our wings and flying? Perhaps people with ADHD have a more intense fear, which wouldn't surprise me, but I am fairly fearless about many things in my life. There is much I do not worry about whether I will succeed or not. I am too compelled. This column is a perfect example. Who reads it? There are maybe 40 people a day who come by and look it over for apparently 5 seconds or less. And still I write. Failure? Fear? They have no hold on this compulsion to express myself. I know that many other people with ADHD can relate with me. I know I am not alone. We burn brightly and follow our own paths. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to light everything else around us on fire.
Interestingly, there is not much I can do about distractibility and fixation, but I can do something about fear. I can face it and conquer it. So here's what I propose. Let's make a goal and keep it this week. I will sit down and draw two critters this week and post them by Friday and I'll finish a new illustration by Christmas if it kills me. Can you face your fears?
technorati tags: ADD, AD/HD, ADHD, Chronic Motor Tic Disorder, Chronic, Motor, Tic, Depression, Disorder, Disability, Coping Strategies, Fixation, Goals
Comments
Keep blogging, peace out, and all that good stuff.
Lluvia
It took me a while to figure out what I should do. There are plenty of things that freak me out (scary moments in movies and TV shows still give me nightmares, for goodness sake), but there's not much I really fear.
After pondering for a while, I figured it out. I fear confronting people, causing conflict, rocking the boat. The notion of burning bridges or making people not like me really bothers me.
As luck would have it, life had just presented me with a scary-but-manageable opportunity to confront that fear, via a misunderstanding with BYU's bureaucracy. The misunderstanding isn't a terribly major one, but it mattered to me both because I'd have to initiate things myself (bureaucracy, given the chance, will do nothing) and because, since I'll probably want to take classes there again at some point, I really couldn't afford to burn any bridges or offend any powers-that-be.
So, I worked up my nerve and called the department head. Once I was actually talking to him, it wasn't as scary as I'd thought. I got the problem all explained. He told me who usually takes care of that sort of thing and promised to meet with her tomorrow (when she's in the office) and call me back with the results. I guess we'll go from there.
I should mention that one way I'm meeting these goals is that I blocked http://slashdot.org from my DSL router. I just can't afford to spend anymore time reading comments over there, no matter how entertaining it can be. We shouldn't be afraid to sacrifice (in my case I sacrificed a daily ritual) in order to meet our goals.
Thanks for the comments, Peter. I am proud of my work, but I'd be prouder if I could meet my personal goals more consistently. But I'm not going to let myself get down. That would be a sure fire failure. The night's still young. I'll get that silly critter sketched yet.
~Douglas
~=~
http://thesplinteredmind.blogspot.com
www.thelewdangel.com
WHAT IF...ADD/ADHD is a GIFT?
i may be way off the mark here but its the only way i can get myself motivated to do something creative!
yours in jest, Anon
I think that this webpage is fantastic. Keep up the good work.
/edit
First comment, I didn't realize these were all on that subject. Consider me a return reader now.
Thanks for dropping by. Hope to see your 'round here again. You usually need a psychiatrist or specialist to diagnose you with AD/HD. It can be expensive which is not meant to scare you away but to give you a heads up. If I were you I would try to find a good cognitive behavior therapist in your area first. They use medication only as an option. Everybody else is going to want to pump you full of pills 'till they're coming out of your ears. They use pills and pills alone to solve your troubles. A CB therapist will help you figure out where you are messing up and how to stop doing it. They provide coping strategies. I highly recommend it, but try to get a recommended therapist so you don't have a expensively bad experience.
Chuck, I worry about my legacy, too. I'm only 38 but when I see well attended funerals there is a part of me that believes that no one will bother to attend mine. Kinda morbid, isn't it?
As for AD/HD being a gift, I agree with you. I have touched upon that concept in earlier columns. Here's what I think about that, in short. AD/HD is only a gift when I can minimize its negative effects in order to capitalize on its positive affects.
Mr. Austin, glad to have you along for the ride. I have been covering AD/HD a lot recently, but I also cover Depression, Insomnia, and even Chronic Motor Tic Disorder. The blog has turned into a column, though, so I've been trying to reach out to more people and relate the disabilities I have into more general terms so others who may not have them can relate to my writings better. Be sure to let me know if I get too general. Thanks for your comments.
Serenity, welcome to the club. We feel your frustration. I can tell you that with a bit of effort you can learn to curb the worst of your impulses and get something done, if not eventually everything.
Great thought. I have had the "shocking" thought that maybe my bipolar disorder is a strange kind of gift. Without it, I probably wouldn't have the vivid nightmares that fuel the stories which are my passion in this life. I know people think I'm crazy when I say this, but I wouldn't want to be without the nightmares, although I am NOT happy when I'm having them.
Procrastination...
I do it too. Sometimes when I've had writer's block I find myself thinking maybe I don't deserve to start writing again. I haven't been good enough in other areas of my life. That makes me depressed. Eventually I do it and then I think what an ass I was for punishing myself that way.
Don't even get me started on the way I procrastinate about doing housework! I have rebelled so against this part of life. I hate that it's supposed to be a natural, genetic thing in women to be domestic. My "domestic chip" malfunctioned at birth! If I had the money, the first person I'd hire would be a housekeeper and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I'm always happier once I've gotten it done. But before, the fear of turning into my mother makes me want to just climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head!
My mother always did her housework, and bitched and complained and made everyone else miserable the whole time. I guess that's what I'm afraid of.
Peace,
Cie
I liked that quote by Paul Klee. One I heard wasn't from a famous artist, but I liked it nonetheless. A cartoonist once said to be a good cartoonist takes miles and miles of pencil. If that's true, I've barely made it up the street. :)
sohale, I was more ADHD when I was younger. I'm more ADD now, but AD/HD is an all inclusive term I tend to use to cover both types. As for finishing projects, it's taken me years to get to a stage where I finish what I start, but I still start too many projects and that gets in the way of finishing any of them rapidly.
Glad that you have found out how to finish the projects you start. Please teach us your way of handling this issue.
They're just full of bull...t
Deinen Blog finde ich super, mach weiter so.
Schau Doch auch mal auf meiner Seite www.internetpoker24.net vorbei. Ich würde mich freuen wenn Du an der Umfrage teilnimmst oder mir sogar ein Kommentar zu meiner Seite zukommen lässt.
Beste Grüße,
Christoph
I touch upon how I finish projects from time to time, but I may cover it specifically in an upcoming column. Be sure to subscribe via email or RSS so you won't miss it.
Although I can relate with your sentiments, just because there is an industry of unethical vipers taking advantage of trusting laymen doesn't mean that, for example, AD/HD is a figment of their imagination. I have known several psychotherapists who have been diagnosed with one neurological disorder or another. Try to only see recommended specialists. They are more expensive, but they are more likely to not be quacks.
Consider me a regular to your site now too! :)
p.s. glad to see you have Halowell and Ratey's book mentioned in your post. Very good book for those with ADHD and those living with people who have it.
Anonymous - Thanks for the link and good luck with your own blog. H & R's book us a very useful resource.
blage - Distraction plays a large part for me as well. I was just surprised to realize how much fear played in this one aspect of my life. Usually, I'm pretty fearless. Hey, I have AD/HD. I don't think it occurs to me sometimes that I CAN'T do something, especially when I'm on fire to do it. LOL