New Year's Flies in My Resolution Ointment
Aside from spending the past few weeks sick as a dog with a lingering virus that has moved in and taken up residence. (I'm now receiving it's forwarded mail), I have been paralyzed with indecision. I made my big goals for my 39th birthday, but have stalled on making big goals for my next birthday. I turn forty, so the goals need to be worthy of the event.I am not the type of person who makes New Years Resolutions. I noticed at a young age that most NYRs were broken within a month of their convicted declarations. People seemed to use them as traditional party hats that looked really good on December 31st but were tossed in the trash the next day. With an angry gleam in my eye I would shake my young fist at the foolish traditionalists and make a declaration of my own: Nothing Changes on New Years Day!
Actually, that was a line from an old U2 song. At any rate, I have a hang up about NYRs that is deep rooted in teenage angst and is therefore silly since I haven't been a teenager for some time, but that's not what is paralyzing me. I live my life by End of Year Deadlines, not NYRs. My birthday is the big event by which I meter my success. Since I hinge my self-worth on whether I can meet these goals, I think about them hard. I like them to be just beyond my reach so that making the deadline requires growth. Over time, however, I have accomplished all the easy goals. Don't forget to get dressed after the shower? Check! Remember to not let the water, and the bottom of the pan, boil away when cooking ramen? Check! The items left on my list are decidedly more complicated and intimidating.
This is what I discussed with my Cognitive Behavior Therapist the other day. I hadn't seen him in over six months so there was a lot to catch up. Besides, I needed a referral so I could pursue further treatment with a neurologist. I had a good year so there was mostly accomplishment after accomplishment to discuss, which is rewarding if not a little unusual even for me, but soon the good news was over and I was faced with my dilemma. What on Earth was I going to do for the next year? And why couldn't I decide?
What's nice about a CBT is that he or she doesn't make any decisions for you. The whole point of the therapy is for you to work out your own problems with the tools and skills you were born with. The CBT often helps you see your limitations as obstacles that you can maneuver around. So much about Adult ADHD is negative. The CBT focuses on the positive. In my case, he just sits back bemused as I pace back and forth in his office while I work out what's troubling me and what I can do to fix it.
I realized when reading my list of potential goals out loud that I had once again chosen too many of them. Jack Palance's character in City Slickers suggested the secret to life is focusing on one thing. One thing? I can think of forty amazing things to accomplish before the breakfast gets soggy! Obviously, I don't have time to do all of them, but I don't always recognize that emotionally. I get hung up thinking I'm supposed to do it all because that's what "normal" people are supposed to be able to do. I was spinning in place spending all my energy ruminating and building anxiety.
The problem was that I was waiting for a shaft of light from Heaven with choirs of angels and a voice from above saying "Douglas, this is what thou art supposed to do. Go forth, my son, and do it!" I had three big projects on my list which could not all be accomplished in a year's time. I wanted to do each one, but couldn't prioritize them properly. Finishing any one of them would have helped me feel I was making something of my life, but which one should I pursue? Then my CBT said something that caused me to sit down in stunned silence. He said sometimes you have to drill a hole in the ceiling to let the light through...that sometimes we need to just decide on something and pursue it in order to find out if it's the right thing or not.
My life has been filled with so many false starts and unfinished failures that I have become quite anxious about undertaking new ones as my fortieth birthday looms in the distance. I have been waiting for the "Sure Thing". Sometimes, though, we aren't really waiting. We're actually afraid to step out of our comfort zone and take a chance. Other times we simply can't see the forest for the trees. While I was waiting I was stagnating which was only making me miserable. Instead, I needed to make an informed decision and act on it.
My CBT still didn't decide anything for me, but he pushed me in the right direction. He helped me see my ADD obstacles so I could stop walking into them like a wall and opened a door to bypass them instead.
Comments
Meeting with Ken after being away for over half a year was interesting. I mostly just needed a referral for a neurologist but ended up enjoying the session. My wife, Robyn, got a kick out of today's column. "I didn't know you paced in his office!" She thought that was quite funny. Just goes to show she doesn't have ADHD, no matter how many times she's forgotten to pay the phonebill. :p
Step off the cliff or you will never fly. Now, if only you can find the cliff edge...
I've also given up on resolutions and set yearly goals for myself instead. I've learned how to whittle them down to almost a realistic number, but I still tend to set unrealistic deadlines for myself (i.e. finish one of my novels by my birthday in April), which of course leads to frustration and feelings of failure. You'd think by now I'd have learned, but at least the deadlines help to motivate me. If I set a realistic amount of time for such a task I'd only keep putting it off, thinking I still had plenty of time.
I can definitely relate to the frustration over false starts, but I agree with your therapist that sometimes you have to try and fail in order to learn whether something is right. I went as far as spending three years in school earning a psychology degree only to have it teach me that I have absolutely no interest in becoming a psychologist. Frustrating, yes (not to mention expensive), but at least that question's settled, and now I know without a doubt that I'll never be happy in any vocation that doesn't allow me to be creative, even if it only allows me the time and energy to do so on the side. I wish I'd figured this out ten years ago so I didn't feel so far behind, but better late than never, I s'pose.
LOL - I have to say that once I arrived at thirty (such a destination!) that I did do a lot of things I had put off - mainly, getting started on the long put off college degree. On that note: I'm glad I waited. Straight out of high school I don't think I would have got 1/2 as much as I have out of my classes. It's cool to be able to go into the office and put to immediate use things I've learned in class. And as my husband says: "Better to be 35 with a college degree, than 35 without!" At the rate I'm going, I will be 35 before I get my 2 year degree (so it will take me 3 1/2), but that's okay. With a full time job, 2 kids and husband - I'm willing to give myself a little slack and make it work for me. Can't cram it all into 2 years. Well - I hear it's done, but I'm not thinking it's a challenge I want to undertake. And I also love seeing that 4.0 GPA ;)
Good luck with the goals. Really just wanted to say Hi - and let you know that even with a new list of Blogs of Note - I came back for more :) I look forward to your posts. Also liked the quote from your CBT. I think I have a few holes to drill :)
1) Make the right decision
2) Make the wrong decision
3) Make no decision.
Sometimes (2) is better than (3).
But sometimes, I take the wait and see approach. I basically do nothing until I get an overwhelming feeling about something - sort of like dowsing for answers. I just did a post about this on my blog. I call this feeling "the force". Whatever that feeling is, I act on it. The force has never steered me wrong.
When it has been a long time and I still don't have a decision made and I NEED to make a decision, I will just go with SOMETHING. Usually something that can easily be changed later if I find out that it wasn't quite the right one.
As far as life goals, I think that it is important to always be thinking about bettering yourself and trying new things. I don't necessarily make plans ahead of time for this, I do them as they come up - take advantage of opportunities as they arise. But part of that requires that you get yourself into the mindset of being open to that. Many people are too afraid to just do things and use opportunities when they present themselves. But I have trained myself to relish opportunities, and to even try to see the opportunities in the seeming failures in my life. It makes life far more easy and interesting!!
And they spend years looking for 'the sure thing' (ie 'waiting for Santa Claus') too.
Or else I am no more a normal people than you are :)
I think it's not only a good idea to choose one and see if it works rather than insisting that it must work. And if it doesn't,you'll be more able to accept that and change to another goal.
Am I being simplistic/naive?
One reason why yours became a blog of note (I guess) is because it's so consistantly well written and focussed. not just on yourself but on the discoveries you've made and the understanding you can share.
you're doing really well.
He really loves it when we have ordered something that we can not change, or we've signed paper on something (like our house) and then I freak out. As soon as a decision is made and "finalized" it seems I know exactly what I want ... or at least what I DON'T want. And knowing what you don't want seems to be half the battle in making a decision.
scarletsphinx - Ha! Isn't that the trick of it? Oh, I like to fly, and was ready to do so again this year, but I was stumped on which direction I should head off in. All is better now. :) I do listen to classical music, especially Beethoven. The BBC released his nine symphonies as MP3s a few months back that I have playing in the background when I'm writing. I learned long ago that I couldn't write if the music I was listening to had vocals.
jeaniemarie - I have heard it said that AD/HD people are ten years behind their contemporaries. I don't know if that's statistically accurate or not, but from personal experience I can vouch for it. Glad you found your path. I changed majors far too many times to go into. I think I'd do school different now if I had the chance..
deb - Good luck drilling. And congrats on the 4.0. When my ducks are all in a row again I'm heading back for a degree. Not having one irritates me so much, and my 13 year old isn't far away from beating me to a degree. My four year old needs to be in kindergarten before I'll be able to juggle classes and Dad Duty. I used to not regret pulling out of school because I had my career, but so much of my early life was spent working towards that goal. I feel like I let life win now that I look back at it. That was one of the three goals I was ruminating about.
bipolar guy - There have been too many number twos in my life, sir. Besides, I like having the number ones. I want more of them, especially since turning 40 and not feeling ashamed for any reason is so important to me. I decided some time ago I wasn't going to have a mid-life crisis so I've been preparing for age 40 for five years! But it still crept up on me. There just isn't enough time to do all that I want to.
I'm not normally paralyzed with indecision. I guess my column didn't express how unusual and uncomfortable this has been for me. I make up my mind and go for it. That's how I am. That's why there are so many number twos in my life. LOL
Intellectually, I know that I've built this year up in my mind to be larger than life, but emotionally I still need a big bang to end the year with. Besides, I like working under the deadlines. They keep me on my toes.
Thanks for commenting.
shane - Love links. Thanks.
I'm sorry that CBT didn't work for you. Not any one solution is the answer, obviously, but since you are sensitive to meds, perhaps there is another therapist you could see instead? Maybe this one wasn't the right one for you?
As for ripping the roof off... LOL I've made a decision and I'm happy with it. Now I need to plan out the ministeps I need to take to make the plan happen by December.
Sylvana - I like to position myself to both plan for the future and be open to new opportunities. For instance, a decision three years ago to quit my pants folding job and refresh my art skills led to getting a signature line of scrapbook papers. I didn't plan on that, but I was open to the new experience. When I contemplated what my big project for my 39th year would be, the three I chose were all equally exciting, demanding, and time consuming. I needed a full year to complete them. In fact, I'd barely have enough time to complete them, so I had to choose one. That was very difficult. Unusually so, but most likely because of the pressure to choose the "perfect" project. Thanks for your comments.
Mig - Thanks, mig. I do try to make my column worthwhile to read.
I don't know if I agree with you this time around. I just don't have time to start out on one project and switch horses midstream. So I really needed to make sure the one project I picked was the best one with maximum longterm interest. Can't get bored and go off on a new project a few months in. I know myself. I know that if I haven't accomplished certain goals by the time I hit 40 I WILL be depressed. I'd like to avoid that if I can. :) The problem is that although I am resigned to being a full time dad on disability, I can't say that I'm happy about it. I keep thinking that there is so much more that I should do. And I don't have the option of skiving Dad Duty, so whatever it is I choose to pursue needs to be absolutely perfect.
There is also something else I didn't have room to share in the column. I feel compelled to beat these neurological ailments so that I can show my daughters that they can accomplish anything they set their minds out to do. Especially my seven year old. She's already showing the signs of self-esteem scars due to silly mistakes. The best thing I can do for her is to learn how to conquer these problems so that I can teach her how to do it, too. So I'm very driven. Setting hard deadlines helps me stay on track.
It's late. I'm tired. I'm probably being discursive. Thank you for your comments.
Sylvana - Exactly. I started out my goal making with a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Then I figured out which were small change and which were big bills, if you follow. Only by looking over these kinds of lists can I visualize what it is that I want and decide what I don't want as well. I don't know if I drive my wife crazy, though. She's too sweet to say anything. ;)
My best friend used to say that for a woman to be with me, she must be crazy herself. ;)
Classes will provide the structure to help give your creativity a framework. You may hate the pace. With ADD the class's pace is almost never where you're at, but stick with it and you'll know enough to take off. If you are beyond that point, I would recommend starting a photoblog here on blogger or at flickr.com and start hooking yourself into some photographer communities. Check out books and library resources that help you prepare a portfolio to submit for professional work. This advice is no different than for anybody else, so I'd also look into ADD some more and understand the way your mind does and doesn't work so you can pace yourself accordingly and avoid running into that ADD wall. Good luck.
Sol - Thanks for the link. As for being crazy to be with you, as long as she is crazy in love... ;)
Sylvana - Isn't that the truth! :)
Now to get some sleep and be ready to get my column written and published at my usual time for a change...
ps therapy scares me.
thanks sorry for the length.
You ask some great questions. Of course, I have no idea what may be going on in your head but there is an aspect of AD/HD that you perhaps have been unaware of. Attention Deficit Disorder is misnamed. It's really an Attention Inconsistency Disorder. The theory goes that because the core component of AD/HD is a lack of impulse control, when the AD/HD person becomes bored their brain instantaneously latches onto the next viable distraction. Anything to prevent the discomfort of boredom. Anything to keep sparking that rush of novelty and newness distractions provide. However, when an activity generates interest people with AD/HD can also hyperfocus - losing themselves for hours in the distraction. This hyperfocus is the untapped secret power of every AD/HD "victim". When we can discover the activities that generate hyperfocus, and when those activities are productive, satisfying, and even lucrative, we can defeat boredom and give our life direction.
Drawing used to be that activity for me, but then something changed. Now writing is that activity for me. So being hyperfocused on your novel is a great thing. Be sure to organize your life to allow yourself to see this project through to completion, even through the boring rewrites and edits. You might be onto a good thing for yourself. :)
thanks for the info
ps they wouldnt let me post unless i typed the unique word YKRDQ and what language is that in?
nonstop, no holds barred V-day rants @ my blog in Feb.
but, i would have totally agreed with ya say..6 years ago!! ;)
feels good here.
long post following but deleted
-maybe later-
bfugmo
yasamin - Interesting theory. I wonder if I stopped enjoying drawing because I reached a certain level of competence? I'll have to explore that idea. I have always assumed it was because art became associated with failure in my mind... However, knowing that distraction sparks the fireworks in my mind, perhaps there's a way to recondition myself to find art intriguing, new, and exciting again?
I believe the Word Verification is written in ancient Gobbledegook. I'm certain of it. Keep working on the book!
sol - I don't know. I live for romance. My early college years were ruled by it. Now that I've been married for 17 years I'm finding romance is still important because it is so hard to inject into our busy lives. ;)
slö - Well, when you're up to it. I can't imagine your post will be any longer than some that have shown up here. lol
imaddlightened - I can easily conceive of a life without Chronic Motor Tic Disorder. I can somewhat conceive of life without Depression since I have largely conquered it its affects in my life. I eliminated Anxiety from my world years ago and am very happy to part with it. But it's hard to conceive of life without AD/HD so integral is it to my thought processes and self-image. These days I am training myself to recognize the pluses AD/HD brings me, as well as learning to understand my differences from others, such as my wife and daughters, and how I need to be mindful that they are not like me. Thanks for posting.
heidi the hick - No, I haven't heard of Dr. David Burns. Do you enjoy his work? As for advice on hating your shrink, let's see... I think it's a very healthy thing for you to do! LOL Especially if he is a jerk. In fact, you have to ask yourself "Am I gaining any benefit from meeting with this man who I despise? Do I like his advice? Am I motivated by him to refine my talents? Does he inspire me?" If the answer is "no" then maybe you should be saving your money and time for someody else.
What do you mean by "he's the only show in town"? Are you from a small community? Is it possible to travel farther for better service? It might be worth it to reach outside your community if the help available to you isn't very good.