Saturday, August 19, 2006

Wrestling with the Night Crusher

Every have one of those days where you have too much to get done in too little time? What? Everyday is like that you say?

What I find frustrating during some of those days is how my AD/HD mind freezes. So much to juggle. So much to prioritize. My mind becomes overwhelmed with paralysis. I'll work my way through it. I always do. But I wish that it wasn't such an effort to prioritize. The problem is emotion. I'm simply flooded with feelings when I should be coldly arranging events in order. Each event I need to organize has its own set of pressures, anxieties, and fears that washes over me. Distracts me. It's all so overwhelming on days like today.
I didn't sleep well, which I believe is the real culprit here today. I had another episode of sleep paralysis last night. Haven't experienced that in a while. I know what it is now - simply part of my brain awaking while the other parts are still asleep. Last night I was aware when my vision turned on. I was blind while I shouted out to my wife. I've found I need her to shake me while talking to me during an episode to help me fully wake up. The paralysis used to last so much longer when I was single. No, I wasn't dreaming. As I regained the ability to move I began to look around and for a moment there was only blackness then suddenly there was the room illuminated by the hall nightlight. I've awoken from lucid and semi-lucid dreams enough times to know what it feels like to open my eyes while awaking. This was as if vision was flicked on in the back of my brain. And it was. I had opened my eyes before the part of my brain that perceives sight had rubbed sleep out of its own eyes.

At any rate, it has been decades since I feared the night crusher and so I just went back to bed. But today is going to be hard. So much to do. So little brain to do it with.
I was busy again with kids on Thursday so my scheduled Splintered Mind column didn't happen again, but I needed to write publicly. Jotting about this in my journal wasn't enough. So now that I fully understand why I'm having such a hard time thinking I believe I can more readily tackle today's To Do list. I don't want another day to slip by being busy without getting time for myself again.

I will draw. I will finish Sneakers. And somehow I'll also exercise, clean the house, take my daughters to the movies like I promised, and prepare for guests tonight.

Yeah, right. Maybe I should just go back to sleep.

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