I'm going to try hard to NOT sound maudlin, pitiful, and pathetic, but I'm having a hard time today and need to do something drastic. I'm so neurologically off I can't even walk well. But I can sit in front of a computer and vegetate. I believe I've done enough of that today. So instead of doing that for the rest of the night I'm going to write this Thursday Thirteen entry up, take some notes on my next article on punctuality and the punctuality police, sketch as best as I can, and watch a movie with my daughters.
I am sharing here, but I do not want your sympathy. Please do not feel sorry for me. No teary eyed comments. No snide comments either. I am coping, albeit grumpily. Tomorrow will be a new day and I'm positive that this ticking episode will end soon. It's just that pulling off Christmas took it's toll on me.
Here we go - a list of things I wish I could do right now but can't because I'm experiencing what I call a "Slow Tic" day (when messages from my mind to the rest of my body seem to be passed by carrier pigeons with ADHD).
- Can't talk with my daughters or wife because I sound like Max Headroom with Alzheimer's Disease.
- Can't walk well because my right foot insists on curling.
- Can't dance away the Christmas pounds. See above.
- Can't play the pennywhistle.
- Can't play my Chromonica.
- Can't draw well. Oh, it's baaaaad.
- Can't get out of my own way.
- Can't handle noise at all today.
- Can't pull myself away from my Mac tucked away deep inside my studio in the basement.
- Can't stop snacking. What is it with ticking and snacking? Especially intense flavors. I almost crave those flavors, from spicy hot ramen to sour candies, when I am ticking. I wonder if it's my brain trying to fend off depression...
- Can't focus very well. My mind is flitting from subject to subject like a strung out butterfly hooked on buttercups.
- Can't be productive. That really bothers me. This exercise is helping me cognitively and I'm kicking myself for not having thought of it earlier. Of course, I can't kick myself very well. No coordination. So I wave my leg at myself and call it good.
- Can't imagine how I'm going to post on other people's Thursday Thirteens tonight. I'm so out of it I know I'll end up sticking my digital foot into my binary mouth. But if I don't post on other TTs I'll miss the swarm. Guess I'll resign myself to missing the swarm and post thoughtful comments tomorrow. I can't bring myself to leave empty "Happy TT" comments instead.
I don't feel sorry for myself. Just frustrated. Time is so precious. I hate to waste it. And now maybe I can go do something with my night, even if I have to hobble physically and mentally around. This list made me angry. I am tired of having life robbed from me because of disabilities.
One purpose for my blog is to reach out to others who are discouraged because of their disabilities. I've focused on AD/HD, Depression, and Motor Tic Disorders, but any type of disability can be discouraging. The mental ones seem to be hardest, however, because they lack sympathy and understanding in our fellow man. I blogged about it two years ago when I broke my toe. So I want to share with people my struggle so they become inspired. They don't have to buy into the lie that they need a psychiatrist and his medications to cope with life for the rest of their life. They don't have to buy into the lie that they are a loser and useless either. We have the power in ourselves to do more than we think.
Sometimes we forget that, as I forgot that today, because we are so busy struggling with our problems. However, positive thinking won't make me magically stop ticking, but it will help my mindset so that I cope with the ticking better. Already I can sense a change inside myself and I'm anxious to act on it.
If you blog, please tell me thirteen things about yourself and link it here. Oh, and try to refrain from linking here if you don't have a Thursday Thirteen post. I'll just end up removing your link.
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