A Splintered Mind

Just a quick note. Sometimes readers leave very passionate comments that have coarse language. When I used Blogger's comment system before, I could put up a warning that NSFW language and comments would result in getting your comments deleted. I wanted to keep my blog and comments safe for work and family. Now that I use Disqus, I can't put up a warning. Fortunately, they automatically flag comments with coarse language for moderation. That means your comments won't even be posted until I approve them. I encourage you to express yourself fully, then go back and snip out the naughty bits so your comments get posted immediately for everyone to enjoy. Lately, I've been using Disqus' system to edit the flagged comments and mark out NSFW parts because I liked what the readers shared. With luck this won't be a problem for you in the future. I'll check with Disqus to see if there is a way to post a warning above the comment box, but until then, please consid...

If you've been following my blog, you'll know I've been dealing with Depression quite severely since my divorce finalized in September. In that time I have made great progress in gaining control again, but not as quickly as some would prefer. I wanted to write a bit about that today. Perhaps you deal with the same impatience in your own life. Several friends, family members & church leaders believe my recovery is simply too slow. Their concern to see me happy and well adjusted outpaces their ability to provide adequate comfort. It's been eight months already, they think. He can't afford to keep going on this way. He's got to pull it together. In many ways they are correct. It would be far better for me to be happy and gainfully employed than to be sad all the time. If only I could make Depression go away with the snap of my fingers. With the same snap of my fingers, I'd give myself a job. It's as if I came home from the doctors with a diagnosis of a...

Today as I celebrate Memorial Day I think of my brother. He died young at 19 years old, taken out by a drunk driver the day after he completed infantry training. I remember him as a conflicted young man who partied hard with his friends and confided in me one day what he had been up to. Then I compare him in my mind to that highly focused young man who had later turned his life around and had become a Marine. He had been tapped for Secret Service training because of his excellent marksmanship. What a difference; night and day. The mind is a powerful tool. We can squander away our time in meaningless pursuits, or we can find clarity and focus while bending our will to doing great things. My brother found purpose in his dream to become a Marine, then became highly focused after pursuing that dream. I'd like to honor my brother today be becoming highly focused myself. I've lost steam in my writing projects and could use some new focus. I must admit I find Life2.0 a bit overwhelmin...

Done in Wacom Bamboo on an iPad. 

OMIGOSH!!! Will Smith is homophobic‽ It must be true; I read it on Twitter!! I mean, they wouldn't make up stuff like that, right? What a total homophone ! What on Earth does this have to do with ADHD or Depression? More than you might realize. Read on. Last Friday there was a small fury over Will Smith's antics on the red carpet in Russia. He was promoting the release of Men in Black 3 when a reporter attempted to get friendly with him in the press line. If you read reports of the incident on Twitter , Will Smith was a culturally insensitive rube who took offense at some guy's friendly greeting. News sites were more nuanced, but check out the lurid headlines: Will Smith Slaps Reporter Who Tries Kissing Him on Red Carpet (VIDEO) Will Smith Slaps Reporter For Trying To Kiss Him In The Mouth At The MIB 3 Red Carpet! Will Smith ATTACKS Kissy Reporter Is Will Smith homophobic? (Democratic Underground says mostly "Yes!") Is Actor Will Smith a Ho...

I'm not sure why, but I've found myself caught up in a glancing game at church. This hasn't happened to me for a few years, but what makes it notable is that it involves two different people in the same place, at the same time. This is new and I can't say that I am enjoying it in the slightest. Last Sunday I sat down to enjoy Sunday School and felt that pull one feels when eyes are upon you. I looked to my right and a pretty blonde looked away. I'd had a glancing game with her last Fall and had thought it was over. Apparently, I was mistaken. Later, as sacrament meeting started, I looked around for my daughters, the Elf & Leprechaun, but found the eyes of another girl. She's a pretty brunette, but too young for me. Whenever our eyes meet I am more than a little uncomfortable. Why is she looking at me? I'm an old dude. What the heck? You might be wondering why I'd worry that two beautiful, younger girls were staring at me. After all, this is the stuff...

Bryan Hutchinson over at ADDerworld has put together a list of his top 20 ADDer blogs . Somehow my blog ended up on the list. Can you believe it? What was he thinking? I don't write about puff adders. Jokes about African vipers aside, I was very honored to make the list. There are nineteen other excellent AD/HD blogs as well listed there. Blogs were selected for helpfulness, transparency, frequency, the amount of posts, and for their positive impact. I can't say my blog is very transparent, tho. A lot of my graphics are quite opaque, but the text background is kinda see through. I'm glad Bryan noticed. It's the little details… Visit ADDerworld to see the entire list and give the bloggers a holler. Bryan did a fantastic job finding new blood. Many of those blogs were new to me. I can't wait to read them!

Recently I have fallen in love with a ToDo list. I hope this won't be too embarrassing for you, but I have taken it out on dates. In fact, I take it everywhere with me. I even sleep with it. Now, now. I realize I can't marry it…yet…but we are truly inseparable. A good ToDo list gets out of your way and just lets you write things down. Anything that tries to improve too much beyond the pen and paper paradigm becomes a different beast entirely. That's not to say that ToDo apps with recurring ToDos and alarms and Swedish foot massage are bad. I like getting my feet rubbed, but sometimes I find the overhead on those more powerful but complicated apps makes me put off using the app. Any app that ends up encouraging an ADHD person to rely on his memory instead is not one I can recommend. That being said, I find that simple ToDo list apps are rather boring. Look at Apple's no frills Reminders . It's clean. It's nice. It's dull. Then along came Clear .   The first t...

The Goblin Brownie is in happy Netflix Land in the other room, and in a few moments the Leprechaun & Elf will be home. My time alone will be over. I've been rethinking how I spend my time lately and wishing I had tighter control of it. Of course, my brain's a freely spinning frisbee heading to parts unknown, but perhaps with a bit of effort I can rein it in and have more to show for my day—other than errands and work. I need to live with greater purpose. I'm not as distracted as I am unfocused at the moment. I have goals, but I have to admit that my depression and this divorce have buried much of the enthusiasm I usually have for life. I'm surviving, but I'm not tackling my goals with passion, determination & focus. I want to change that. So today I will write another 1000 words and blog and cook dinner and wash laundry and pick up the house and exercise with the kids and do basically everything. Because I have to, and because I can. Then maybe I can start ...

Gorgeous day today. Sure wish I had spent it on the side of a river with a hayseed in my mouth and wind in my hair. Instead, I spent it either indoors or en route to another location indoors. Errands are the new R&R. Back when I was insane and thought having two blogs was a good idea, I tried different ways to attract other authors and writers. I posted Monday Musings for a while, but somehow life and stuff and stress got in the way and I stopped doing them. Isn't that a shame? One of them is even in my top ten pages. Baffling, but flattering. No, wait. It features Miley Cyrus in her underwear. Oh, I understand now. Let's change the subject.   If your main character from your work in progress was lying under the tree above and looking at that sky, what would he or she be thinking? Here's mine: Lunch is almost over and I haven't thought of a new gag for Craigslist yet. Nate's going to win this one for sure. I was positive that last gag was going to work. I mean,...

No matter how often I pat myself down or mentally go over my list of belongings, all I need is one crucial distraction to send me on my way without a precious item. I still pine for my favorite pair of Ray-Bans from years ago, lost on a bus somewhere. Or was it at that friend's house? Wait, no. She had my favorite mix tape. Wait, no she didn't, and I asked her if she had it so many times she isn't talking to me. I was certain she had it. Good thing I didn't ask her about the Ray-Bans. Sometimes it is like that. We have an image in our mind of where we lost an item and we can't shake it. We probably set them down somewhere stupid, but we think they are someplace sensible. One could almost say we become fixated on them. The other day I was CERTAIN that I had brought my wrist weights home with me after a late night walk. However, I can't find them anywhere and they probably were left on the platform when I was taking movies of freight trains last week. I can see th...

There I was all excited to start researching anecdotal stories for my ADHD eBook when I slipped into a time vortex. I thought I was careful about those sort of things, but here I am two weeks later, dazed and more than a little confused. I saw a blur of pink, some bling coated jeans, and hair spray, then I woke up this morning. What was I supposed to be doing again? Yes, my girls are with their mother for the next two weeks, and my time with them is over. Now I must adjust to life again without them. After seven months of this you might think that I would be accustomed to it, but when you throw Depression into the mix I'm only now making sense of things. Months ago I could see the difference between sadness and Depression, but now my awareness has become even more keen, most likely because I am healing. The mental fog is lifting, and I am starting to see the new Depression triggers for Life2.0. In fact, I only noticed last week that my Depression flares with every kid switch. It se...