Friday, September 28, 2012

Depression Had Taken Too Deeply a Hold

Update 2016: This article was featured in my book "Saying NO to Suicide", with added commentary.

Morning Blues
Morning Blues
Friday - Entry 5:

I believe it is high time for me to acknowledge that my depression is out of control. I have been trying the past few weeks since the lay off to keep it at bay, but I'm not making any progress. I'm simply sad all of the time. I am too depressed to write my book or draw. I'm too depressed to clean. I only stir to life when the girls arrive. Then responsibilities force me to move and function. And I still don't write or draw.

This is not living.

I woke up this morning contemplating suicide. In the same moment I thought about death, I realized that the Depression had taken too deeply a hold.

One thing that happened in September that could be accounting for my recent descent into darkness was the sudden change in the amount of daylight. I felt the change rather keenly this year. I usually expect Winter Depression to hit me by the end of October so this is a little earlier than usual. Perhaps I was vulnerable because I was recently laid off and already down. Perhaps there was no trigger at all. What I do know is that there is a solution to remedy this problem: daylight spectrum light bulbs. I will buy some today.

I also have a little girl very excited about a fun run in an hour. She is with her mum this week, but I had made sure to mark the event on my calendar. I hope to publish my article on ADHD & daydreaming later today, so I'm telling myself not to worry about it now. I need to exercise, get some sunlight, and hurry off to watch my girl. I had intended to write when I woke about how my morning routine might be contributing to my lack of productivity, but suicidal ideation trumped that, and now daddy duty calls, and that trumps everything.