Saturday - Entry 19:
Sitting in the library, I'm listening to As Tall As Lions and watching as the patrons hustle and bustle about quietly. I'm finally feeling better after one of the nastiest 24 hour bugs I've experienced in a while. I haven't had energy to do much since the bug hit me square in the face yesterday morning. I was caught up in its tornado of exhaustion and did the only sensible thing I could think of: sleep. Very rare for me.
Now I'm up & about again, and I've been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with the Leprechaun the night before I became sick. I had shared a journal entry with her to help her understand where my head has been lately. Upon finishing I looked up and noticed she was crying. I was surprised. I had thought the entry to be positive and affirmative—an honest assessment of my life. She told me with teary eyes that none of it was true.
My self-assessment was rubbish, apparently. I know adults with ADHD can have inaccurate self-observation, but I didn't think that I was one of them. Now that I am 46, I've got 50 around the corner and I've been thinking about what I want to accomplish before then. Judging by milestone birthdays of days past, I can get quite worked up about my goals. I put a lot of my self-esteem on the line, making intense demands of myself in my quest to prove my life has meaning. Accomplishments are everything.
Maybe I'm letting Depression color those demands again. Maybe I'm just down enough on myself that my self-observation is skewed. Or maybe a sweet, 14 year old daughter sees me far differently than the harsh world does. Still, there may be some truth to her assessment of my assessment. I know my Heavenly Father sees me differently than the world does, too.
It's not too late to purge myself of the negative criticism of my adult ADHD before I turn 50. I certainly cannot accomplish the goals I have set for myself if I don't believe in my potential. Therefore, anytime I feel tempted to think poorly of myself, I will recall that tear streaked face and remember I have greater worth than I realize.
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