Monday, February 25, 2013

I Am Paying For My Daring Today

Monday - Entry 26:

Day61. This past weekend, after many days of feeling better, I dared to come out of my hermit’s shell. I let a brother take me to a movie on Saturday, I attended Sacrament Meeting on Sunday, met with my Bishop afterwards, and attended a birthday party. I am paying for my daring today.

New chest cold. Headaches. Body aches. Nausea and fatigue. Feeling flush. Plus my cough has returned. I may have to hole up in my apartment until Spring warms these cold Utah skies. My immunity system—long embattled and weary from the fight—has softened its borders of defense like it’s running its own amnesty program for viruses. My meeting with an immunologist next week can’t come a week too soon.

All of this has me rather discouraged. I do have bills to pay and clothes to buy for my girls. Worldly needs abound. Sixty one days of illness and little work means a very bare bank account with no reserves. I can’t even afford to get my haircut. So I’m justified to sink into despair and lose hope, right?

Well, yes, to a degree I am. But it won’t do me any good.

I think, instead, I will focus on my ThreeDo List.

  1. Reschedule Meeting. — Done!
  2. Finish keyword assignment & submit. — I’ll have to prop myself up, but I’ll do it.
  3. Draw an egg with Paint on my iPad. — I could use a moment of mental relaxation & focus. I have also found that drawing has the added benefit of healing me neurologically. I’ve been ticking a lot this past week, likely due to stress. Drawing an egg isn’t necessarily exciting, but it’s a simple exercise I can do quickly, and I want to do it, so I will.

Then I will pick another list of three things to do, and push forward. Giving into depression is the wrong move for me right now. If I have the will to fight, I should fight.

I’m very glad I met with my Bishop yesterday. I needed a blessing and a renewal of faith in myself. He also encouraged me to place more of my faith in God, so I will work on that today as well. Right after I finish relying on myself.

Spiritually, I’m incorrigible, but I think He understands.