Go Water Your Eggs or Something

Monday - Entry 36:

Not sure where to begin. Let’s try this:

And then I was depressed.

There. I can work with a beginning like that. It’s spells out the problem and hints that something happened before I made my realization.

This day has been a hard one to get through. The sickness lingers, sapping me of energy & strength. Each cough is a gagging experience. My lungs burn. My head throbs. I’ve been sick like this since August 21st. I know. I know. I promised not to count the days. I haven’t. I just remember acutely the day my life ended. You’ll have to forgive me. I don’t consider lying on the couch being productive, having an adventure, or living for that matter.

I’m pretty discouraged. I’ve even given up on reaching out to people for comfort. Conversations sound too much like this:

Me: Hi, it’s Douglas.
Them: Oh, hey! How are you doing?
Me: Still sick, but hanging in there. Got a moment?
Them: Oh, jeez…
Me: Excuse me?
Them: Oh look! I have to, um, water my eggs or something.
Me: What?
Them: Byeee!

Or…

Them: So, you’re still sick, huh?
Me: kaff kaff kaff wheeze kaff kaff kaff kaff
Them: You sound terrible. I worry that you don’t sound like your normal self anymore.
Me: …kaff
Them: You need to think more positively about yourself. Then you won’t be so sick all the time.
Me: kaff kaff kaff But kaff kaff I’m tryinkaff!
Them: Yeah, your problem is negativity.
Me: I’ll kaff show kaffkaff you negakaffkaffkaffKAFF wheeze

On the upside I am slightly better. When I gag, I don’t relive my previous meal anymore. My coughs don’t cause me to get dizzy and black out momentarily while I wheeze desperately for oxygen. That’s a bonus. My immunity system has improved since last Spring. I tested negative for asthma. So, up up up!

Then I had an Upper GI x-ray done last week. It was mostly negative. I have slight acid reflux, but it isn’t the cause of my illness. I had a CT scan of my face. There are blockages in my sinuses, like Goblin Valley covered in sludge. We may have found our culprit. If my four-times-a-day regimen of tasty antibiotics doesn’t rectify the problem, I may be looking at surgery. Oh, the fun. Then I had an x-ray taken of my elbow which has been in pain since the car accident. Looks like I had a slight fracture that healed but which left behind a bone spur and some bursitis. Bursitis. Doesn’t that sound exciting? No? Well, this week I get to do more MRIs. That’s an 18 wheeler and two pups full of excitement.

I need one MRI for my elbow, then three of my spine so we’ll have a better idea of what is going on with the soft tissue. I was curious why one MRI was so much better than the others, so I called around to find the measurements of the tubes I’ve been shoehorned into. The one that worked was 70cm in diameter. The one that made me feel like I was being corked into a bottle was 50cm. The one that scuffed my knees as they crammed me into it was 58cm. The MRI that the elbow doctor wanted me to slip into was 60cm. The imaging department girls could see my apprehension so the conversation went like this:

Pushy secretary: “Mr. Cootey, valium when valium would you like to valium valium schedule an appointment so you can take some valium?”
Apprehensive Me: “I don’t want to take valium.”
Pushy secretary: “Many people prefer valium valium valium VALIUM YOU WILL TAKE VALIUM1!!!!!11!1!”

I declined.

And I wonder why I’m so depressed. I have something against valium, apparently. Who knew?

I want to stay positive. I want to be upbeat. I’d love to plaster empowering tweets all over my Twitter stream intermingled with tales of my amazing productivity. I want to earn gobs of money through freelance assignments. Finish my book’s second draft before I get my girls again next week. Take a shower and put on some pants. You know, big things! Instead, I ensconced myself on the couch and watched a Chinese romcom on DramaFever. I sat there thinking, “Why am I watching this? This show is terrible. Ooh, Guo Xue Fu is so cute…kaff kaff…I wonder if I should eat.” Then I watched another episode.

Now I’ve written this journal entry and I feel much better. Sometimes it helps to talk things out when you are overwhelmed. In my case, I like to make fun of my problems a bit to lift my spirits. I’ll still have to deal with my problems whether I write or talk about them, but I’d much rather face them with a positive attitude than a negative one. Besides, things could be worse. I could have called you and talked to you about my problems. Then you’d have to go water your eggs or something.

~Dˢ