6:29 PM: “So easy to turn the world down. No matter what you dream, you got to get back to being found.” ♪ I am listening to “Becker” off Autolux’s new album, “Pussy’s Dead”, as I post a quick update before getting on with some more writing today. Those lyrics stabbed my conscious acutely today. It is so easy to turn the world down. You just stop caring, and the pain of failure/rejection/adversity can fade away.
Although my daughter’s new Chinese medicine formula has had an incredibly positive change on her mood lability, the struggle over the past two weeks has flipped my sleeping schedule upside down, exacerbated my tic disorder severely, and has triggered probably the worst bout of depression I’ve had in a year. When I finally passed out this morning, I slept the deep sleep of the sleep deprived, neurologically offline so deeply that if you had set my bedsheets on fire, I wouldn’t have even dreamed that I was in danger. It’s no surprise then that my tic disorder reared its ugly head and made it impossible for me to make my daughter’s therapy appointment.
I realize it isn’t my fault that I’m disabled because of my tic disorder, but missing appointments stings profoundly. Missing goals hurts even deeper. I don’t like being unreliable. It’s just me over here. The Brownie can’t drive, so if I can’t drive because I’m ticking, then we miss appointments.
But the lyrics of that song also spoke of another concept that is dear to me. “No matter what you dream, you got to get back to being found.” Whatever Autolux meant by that sentence, for me it reminds me that it may be easy to check out and stop caring, but in that path lies obscurity. I fear that more than failure, so I dust myself off and push forward. It’s the reason why I learned to manage my depression. I can only sit in a sad stupor for so long before I feel compelled to slash my mark in life and demand that people notice me. They can’t notice me if I’m sitting on a couch, or curled up with a ton of books, or buried deep in a JRPG.
I can’t stand my disabilities. I see them as obstacles between me and happiness. ADHD, depression, ticking…even insomnia. They all need to make way so I can get where I want to go. What a good thing I spent the last two days reworking research on my book, and despite the 36°F night air, went for a walk and worked out my next chapter. I’m ready to begin it today. The book is wrapping up. I may not have made my goal in seven days, or even ten, but it will be done.
5:41 AM: I keep finding holes in my research notes as I write about the material. It's one thing to jot down notes; it's quite another to write those notes up in an entertaining fashion. I didn't realize how much I rely on my own memory for this data. Writing up my observations months after the research shows just how faulty that system is. Most of the time, I'm scratching my head, asking, "Did *I* write this? What did I mean?" Gotta love ADHD. I'll be more thorough next time, but this time I'll just fix my mistakes as I encounter them. Unfortunately, there were so many errands to run today that I was fairly beat by the time I had time to myself again. I didn't get more writing than research done, but I don't regret it. I like everything that I wrote. I like all the deleting I did, too.
Whenever the slow progress gets me down, I just remind myself that even if I have to limp across the finish line, I will get there. Slowly, like the tortoise, but always moving forward.
Totals:Day No.1: 1250 words
Day No.2: 703 words
Day No.3: 671 words
Day No.4: 262 words
Day No.7: 2725 words
Day No.8: 231 words
Day No.9: 0 words
Day No.10: 0 words
Day No.12: 0 words
Day No.13: 974 words
Day No.17: 633 words
Day No.19: 758 words
Project Word Count Total: 8207 words