Clearer and clearer I am seeing my sleep difficulties as my greatest obstacle towards reaching my writing goals. Although I accomplished much last night, I am paying the cost today.
I missed attending Life, the Universe, and Everything this year. I missed seeing friends, old and new. I missed great discussions and fascinating presentations. I may even miss the date tonight with my wife. Beyond just being upside down from the rest of the world, I am fatigued and listless—ill equipped to fight off illness, both physical & mental.
I sit here absolutely loopy, unable to do much more than interact with family as they buzz around me while I pour thoughts out into my Twitter timeline. How did I get to this pitiful state?
In brief, I was up until 6am because I watched Groundhog Day, Smallville, read Saun Tan's Tales of Suburbia, trolled the web briefly, and spent some time painting a small surprise for my wife. I then laid in bed staring at the ceiling for an hour. Sometime after 7:30am I fell asleep, slept through my alarms, and awoke after 1pm, thoroughly missing my good friend's presentation on Family Friendly Anime. Apparently, the hose on my CPAP had detached. I have no idea how long I slept in that unrestful stupor—too awake to sleep well, but too tired to realize I was suffocating.
Three hours later I sit here, flushed and woozy, most likely in the throes of yet another virus this year. It can all be traced to poor sleep. I was already fighting off a cold before yesterday. After last night, a new bug has taken up residence and booted rest and recuperation out onto the floor. Sleep is as elusive to me as fairy gold. I can't obtain it when I need it. I can't keep it when I have it. When I do get to hold onto sleep, it fades away with the sun leaving no trace.
Since my wife is as ill as I am, I will not be expected to ballroom dance with her tonight. We will not be going out. She loved my little painting, so the Valentine's Day Disaster of 2010 was averted. However, I was looking forward to dinner with her while a 20 piece big band orchestra played in the background. I also thought it would be fun to learn how to ballroom dance. She's already made alternative plans now with our daughters. I will have to rethink my evening and try to chisel out some semblance of personal success so I can let myself fall asleep tonight.
Perhaps "chisel" is too energetic a word. I became tired just typing it. If I type it a few more times, I may even fall asleep right where I sit.