A Splintered Mind

11:24 PM: My birthday today was practically perfect. I started book three. I spent time with my lovely daughters watching a bell choir perform. My soul was filled to the brim. I did, however, say that it was practically perfect. Even the spectacularly bad customer service & food at the terrible downtown Burger King could compare to the blow to my evening joy that was Dunkin Donuts being closed at 9pm. When did that happen? I enjoyed going there after ten all the time. The lobby was empty. There was no hustle and bustle from customers. It was a perfect environment for writing. Hey! I bought a donut or two. To think that losing my business four months ago when I moved across town would affect them so badly. I feel just terrible. I’m sure the lack of customers late at night had nothing to do with it. Being resilient, I recovered and then picked up some Krispy Kreme donuts at a gas station. It wasn’t quite the same ambience that I was looking for, but the donuts weren...

Chapter One Learned Optimism Thought #1: I am grateful for beautiful daughters who made my 50th birthday a memorable one. If you can’t take medication to combat depression or suicidal depression, how do you cope? Do you resign yourself to desolation, or do you fight back? Can you fight back? How‽ This was the dilemma I faced years ago when anti-depressants had failed me and my life was worse off because of side-effects. What I learned in my battle against depression not only changed my life for the better, but helped me change other lives, too. Fighting off depression seems like hard work, but when you break down the coping strategies into smaller steps, depression becomes easier to conquer. That concept can seem daunting at first. I know it was for me. I spent years learning how to overcome depression. I could continue living a miserable half-life, or I could make incremental changes and begin my recovery. I chose recovery and spent many years experimenting and analyz...

This is “Writing in a Fishbowl v3 – Day Ten”, but I’m going to title it something more descriptive for the ebook promotion. Read on for the scintillating details. 2:54 PM: My day began with alarming, dank dreams that I cannot describe since my daughters read this blog. Well, that’s all I really wanted to say about the subject. Yes, my mind is in a fog today, but I can still make out the road, and I haven’t run over any mailboxes yet. In fact, I’m starting to find some clarity. I just realized that I turn fifty in two days. Yes, there it is! The adrenaline rush of regret and fear is sweeping the fog away as I type. Birthdays mean year end goals for me. I still haven’t posted the first chapter of my new book, nor have I begun writing my middle grade novel as I promised myself. I also haven’t begun dating again. I suppose there’s still time to accomplish all of those goals before I hit the half century mark. I’m formulat...

3:13 PM: So much for waking up this morning and taking advantage of prime social media hours to promote my book before moving on to my next one. My daughter had a seizure at school, so the entire day was tossed into disarray. I hurried over, driving my manual transmission car for the first time since my surgery. There is a chance that I was an incandescent comet on four wheels on my way to the school, although I am not admitting to anything. I will admit, however, to using my horn like a mystic hand to push traffic out of my way. Once I arrived, I dealt with her needs, fielded questions from the EMTs, and experienced my stress levels pushing through the roof. The seizure was over, technically, by the time I arrived, but as I watched her thrash and moan on the floor, I questioned the EMTs assessment. My daughter did not recognize me! The sound of my voice did not soothe her as it usually does. She was agitated and distressed. No matter how much the EMT insisted that this was the p...

3:40 AM: I feel as if I am on the cusp of returning to normal—as if I woke up today and suddenly noticed that pants are supposed to be worn on my legs. I almost imagined that I could resume my normal daily activities. I have to admit, I haven’t been happy about my writing schedule since October. My blog comments are still broken. I’ve also got an itch to write about more than fishbowls. All my focus has been on finishing Pokémon Legendaries in 7 Easy Steps . I don’t believe I will schedule two surgeries across a book launch window ever again. You can’t believe the stupid mistakes I’ve made. I imagine the approval committees over at Smashwords & Amazon are thinking, “What? This guy again? Didn’t we just post his latest update ten minutes ago?” This Fall has been an awkward dance with knives with long walks along a ragged beach. Perhaps that’s painting the experience too luridly. Let’s just say that my surgery last week...

Writing in a Fishbowl v3 – Day Seven 11:57 PM: Sunday night was a bust. My daughters needed me, and it took up time. By the end of the day, my intestines demanded that I sit down and stop working, so I took some Naproxen and rented a movie. I then went to bed early. My poor ox lowed forlornly to the night sky while stuck in that pit all night, but I was too deeply asleep to hear it. I slept for nearly eight hours, which is very unusual for me. Today was filled with errands and last minute phone calls. I started an article for ADDitude magazine while my daughter was seeing a therapist, then made dinner and watched The BFG with my girl, as promised. Today was not a banner day for writing and productivity. Yet, I have successfully wrapped all the Christmas presents before my surgery. I’ve also done all my food shopping. The larder is stocked. That’s something. I’m not sure when my surgery is tomorrow. They forgot to schedule me. So instead of an early surgery,...

12:35 PM: It's been more than a few days since my last entry. I'm not writing so well in a fishbowl, but I sure am discovering my limits. As I sat in church today, I found myself restless and unable to focus on the lesson. I tried to keep a seat empty between myself and the person to my right, but somebody kept filling it. After budging over twice, I sought out an empty room. I'm now sitting in the dark, illuminated only by the dim glow of my iPad, while in the distance somebody plays slow, soothing Christmas arrangements on the piano. It's perfect. I had no idea how much I needed the solace of a sensory deprived environment, but my subconscious led me. No bustle and visual commotion. No intruding voices. Just darkness and the silhouettes of my thumbs bringing my thoughts to life. Church isn't the problem. I was restless earlier at home when I quickly grew tired of Twitter. The progressives were whining about how half a nation didn't align with their nee...