12:35 PM: It's been more than a few days since my last entry. I'm not writing so well in a fishbowl, but I sure am discovering my limits. As I sat in church today, I found myself restless and unable to focus on the lesson. I tried to keep a seat empty between myself and the person to my right, but somebody kept filling it. After budging over twice, I sought out an empty room. I'm now sitting in the dark, illuminated only by the dim glow of my iPad, while in the distance somebody plays slow, soothing Christmas arrangements on the piano.
It's perfect.
I had no idea how much I needed the solace of a sensory deprived environment, but my subconscious led me. No bustle and visual commotion. No intruding voices. Just darkness and the silhouettes of my thumbs bringing my thoughts to life.
Church isn't the problem. I was restless earlier at home when I quickly grew tired of Twitter. The progressives were whining about how half a nation didn't align with their need for liberal consensus, and the conservatives griped about liberal overreach that disregarded limited government ideals. It seemed that nobody was happy, especially me while reading all of that clamoring.
As much as I like to focus here on the positive things that happen to me, the negative events are often more prevalent in my life. I'm recovering from knee surgery, but unable to exercise because of an umbilical hernia. I'll soon be recovering from a hernia operation, too, whereupon I will still be unable to exercise. Aside from time lost and professional delays (I haven't submitted a Family Guy article since October), my tight pants this morning proved without a doubt that my goal to lose thirty pounds by my birthday will fail as I regain the ten pounds that I lost since August. Rayo has lost its fun since I am limiting my daily caloric intake to under 2000. Obviously, it is not enough, and further crucifyingly boring changes will need to be made to my diet. Perhaps I'll live off of food-infused water, but knowing me, I'll not only be allergic to it, but I'll gain weight on that as well.
My new book is still having problems. Edits are needed to appease Smashwords, while the flawed, first version languishes in ebook stores awaiting that update. And lastly, my daughter's behavior problems not only contribute to my high blood pressure, but take up colossal amounts of time when I'm not already ticking and couch-bound.
I am deeply discouraged. Is it any wonder that my depression has become more prominent lately?
Writing all that down doesn't make me feel better, but it helps me see what weighs down the yoke I carry. It is a heavy yoke, with more weight yet to be laden upon my shoulders.
So what am I going to do about it? That seems to be the relevant question, and, frankly, in line with the point of this blog.
I'm happy to say that my coping strategies for ADHD have been holding me together. Knowing that I will undergo surgery this Tuesday, I have been racing to complete major tasks before my period of convalescence. I have purchased and wrapped all Christmas presents except for two, which arrive tomorrow. I'll make short work of them just in time for surgery. The rest of my gifts are going to be baked goods, and by the time Christmas week rolls around, I should be able to hobble about the kitchen and get the task done. I, also, with the great help of two dear friends, consolidated two storage units into one yesterday. It was quite painful moving all those boxes, and my friends did all of the heavy lifting, both metaphorically and physically. After Tuesday, I will not be allowed to lift anything heavier than ten pounds for four weeks, so getting things done yesterday was key, even if it did risk strangulating an intestine. And now I'll save 100 bucks a month to boot!
Tonight I will make the changes that Smashwords requires, and I'll write two articles for family guy. It's not the typical Sabbath day activity that I prefer, but the ox is in the mire. This will allow me to work Monday on two product reviews that are long overdue. After Tuesday's surgery, I have no idea when I might be able to get to any of these tasks. Going under the knife is stressful enough without having unfinished projects weighing on my mind. I can do a lot in the next 48 hours to lift that yoke of mine. When I start to come to my senses by Thursday, I'll have a free state of mind knowing that I completed the tasks that were important to me.
Interesting. I just noticed that somewhere between when I was describing in maudlin detail the things that pressed upon my mind and this moment, I started pacing while writing. I have a renewed sense of purpose and higher energy levels. Looks like my coping strategies for combating depression are also still working. Maybe it's time to come out of the darkness and partake of the light again.
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