A Splintered Mind

❝My son fricken tried to commit suicide, so I had to drive all the way over there to deal with it. A few months ago, I pulled up to the one remaining branch in my area that US Bank allowed to be open during the pandemic and tentatively approached the entrance. I had banking to do, but they had bizarrely limited hours and, of course, they were closed. So I entered the ATM area and began my bank transfers with hundreds of dollars tight to my chest, hoping nobody would come in and rob me blind while I was feeding the money into the ATM. As I was doing my banking in the comfort of their ATM fishbowl, a woman entered behind me. I made some polite comment about how I was almost done, and that magically opened up a flood of information from her that I never would’ve expected. Strangers usually don’t open up to each other, especially about the subject that she was dealing with. The quote above is the choicest one that she shared with me. I remember thinking at the time how callous and...

I might get myself in a bit of trouble with my daughters with this post, but I recently sat in on the Brownie’s session with her therapist (she’s learning disabled). We were discussing ways to regulate moods. She used to have anger issues, and although those days are behind us, she still doesn’t know what to do with strong, negative feelings like disappointment, irritation, and frustration. I can’t recall exactly how the topic came up, but I used my “Heartbroken” playlist as an example to make a point. This playlist used to be a point of contention for my older daughters. After the divorce, I filled this playlist with all the most painfully sad love songs I had in my vast music collection. I labeled it “Heartbroken”. Not surprisingly, most of them were country. On bad days, I would hit play and dive deep into the music before I could come up for air again. It was cathartic. But my girls hated it. Because of our current living arran...

I picked up TIME Mental Health: A New Understanding a year ago in the grocery store and slowly worked my way through it. I assumed I would race through the magazine and produce a shining review for my readers to enjoy. Then ADHD happened, which is like saying, “And then I breathed”. When I say “slowly”, I refer to the speed at which glaciers raced across the North American continent. Ultimately, I finished, which is the lesson I take away from my tortoise and hare situation. I wasn’t in competition with anybody, except, perhaps, Father Time, but I must admit that I had an assist from COVID–19, which gave me lots of time to break my news addiction. After all, there are only so many ways in which you can be told “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” before you tune out and suddenly decide that sorting that four year old bag of junk mail you’ve been kicking around seems like a better use of your time. Fortunately for me, this magazine was on...

On this World Suicide Prevention Day , I wanted to write to people who hide behind the illusion of strength. They give the appearance of mental well-being by posting excellent advice, uplifting memes, and beautiful quotes, but privately they struggle with the overpowering tidal forces of suicidal depression. When that tide sweeps them away, their friends are left surprised and stunned. As many of you know, Ronnie McNutt ¹ took his own life while live streaming on Facebook last month. It was traumatic and devastating to those who witnessed it. According to his friend, Ronnie was severely drunk, so it’s easy to assume that he might not have been thinking clearly when he posted such a strong, demanding, yet earnest post before ending his own life. What can we learn from his example? Ronnie didn’t reach out for help. He posted on Facebook, then, while inebriated, streamed his last moments. That is such an extreme and unusual situation, you may feel you have nothing to l...

If you struggle with suicide, depression or anxiety, the types of people you have in your support network can make the difference between them being a lifeline or a weight. It’s been over two years since I was last suicidal. I wasn’t making dark and deadly plans at the time. I simply thought I would be better off dead. It was the matter-of-factness of the “epiphany” that startled me the most. It seemed perfectly logical. Fortunately, I’ve heard this logic before and immediately engaged my coping strategies. I let family members know, I prayed deeply, and since I didn’t have a current counselor, I reached out to a bishop for a recommendation. Quite quickly, I put the suicidal ideation behind me. That’s the benefit of coping strategies. It also helps that I was able to analyze my feelings and separate my awareness from the emotional maelstrom. I could outthink the destructive thoughts. This is very difficult for many people, though. They get caught up in the emotional maelstrom. ...

If you’re feeling down from too much social distancing, how do you build a support network when you’re sheltering in place‽ Support networks are the sort of things you’re supposed to have already put into place for that time when you need them. You’re also supposed to file your taxes on time, separate your recyclables, and brush your teeth twice a day. There are a lot of things we’re supposed to do, but for one reason or another, we sometimes don’t get around to doing. Support networks take effort to build. Because of that, it is easy to avoid putting yourself out there when things are going well. Then your government tells you to stay inside or else, and suddenly that support network seems a lot more important than it did before. Fortunately, communicating with each other over distances isn’t limited to letters via post. Now we can private message, video chat, audio chat, and text over phones lines and the internet. If you deal with dep...

Even despite the worst sickness in years, I’ve maintained an even keel. Come celebrate with me. Today is the 650th day since I was last suicidal. Keeping track of this stat is only something I began six hundred and fifty days ago. Before that was a hard spell in 2013, and before that was the two year rollercoaster at the end of my marriage. I thought about ending things quite a bit back then. I’m grateful that I was able to ignore those urges, but as I marvel at the number of days free from suicidal ideation, I am more grateful that I have retained my positivity through almost five months of being housebound with a chronic respiratory illness. I’ve written here before about the dark clarity that suicidal ideation can bring ¹ . When our minds are awash in sadness and overwhelmed by the undertow of confusion that suicidal depression brings, we tend to grasp at any bit of flotsam that crosses our path. Some of that flotsam, like suicidal ideation, ironically seems like a ...

You shouldn’t feel ashamed for feeling suicidal. Here’s how you can take a stand for yourself. I saw a news item a few months ago that troubled me. [1] At first, the item was in regard to a K-pop idol (Goo Hara) who my third oldest daughter and I enjoyed watching and listening to in the group, KARA. During KARA’s heyday, my daughter and I followed all their videos and song releases. It was fun—at least until she discovered a guy who had his own rock band. Then dad and K-pop were replaced with an electric guitar and a husband. Poor Daddy. Reading about anybody’s suicide attempt is heartbreaking, but Goo’s suicide hit home because I remember her so fondly. However, what followed two days later deeply disturbed me. While recovering from her suicide attempt, a press conference was held and Goo apologized to her fans for worrying them—from the hospital. She looked pale and haunted. [2] Imagine having to say the following while recovering from a suicide att...

If You’re Depressed, Why Bother Getting Up & Ready for the Day? I was recently asked if I had a blog post about why I cared so much about my dress, hair, and appearance despite my depression. What drives me to bother cleaning up when laying in bed while reading news in my PJs is easier to do? Why bother shaving? Why bother showering? Why bother getting up at all? I couldn’t find a specific blog where I addressed this issue, but the pat answer is that my vanity is a super power. Vanity overpowers the darkest, deepest depressions to make sure at least my hair is presentable. Doesn’t that sound superficial? The truth is much deeper than that. How did I get to the point where I care so much about my appearance, it can override the urge to not care about anything at all?

I was recently contacted by a college student who requested an email interview. I share the answers below because the interviewer asked excellent questions. If you follow my blog, then you’ll already know that I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression (Major Depressive Disorder) , Adult ADHD , and Chronic Tic Disorder (Tourette’s) . What you may not know is what I get out of blogging about my experiences with these conditions. This was the one of the questions the interviewer asked that made me think. Why on earth do I do this?

A few weeks ago, local Utah politicians (Rep. Chris Stewart and Sen. Orrin Hatch) helped get a suicide prevention bill onto President Trump's desk that he signed into law. It tasks the government with creating a three-digit number that works as a shortcut to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) for suicide and mental health crises, much like 911 for medical emergencies. It also authorizes an investigation into the effectiveness of both the lifeline and the Veteran Crisis Line. If you would like to see changes to either of these services, now is a very good time to contact your congress critters and give them your feedback. Without comment, President Donald Trump signed into law on Tuesday legislation sponsored by Rep. Chris Stewart and Sen. Orrin Hatch, both Republicans, to require the Federal Communications Commission to study the feasibility of such a hotline.  It is also ordered to recommend which three-digit number would be best for the hotline, exa...

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month . This means that your social media timelines will suddenly be filled with celebrities sharing the national hotline. The cynic in you may roll your eyes. These celebrities will care very, very deeply in 280 characters; lots of their "show somebody you care" posts will gets thousands of likes and reposts, but where were they on August 31st? Where will they be on October 1st? Chasing a new cause, probably. Mounting their social media steed and charging to the next virtue signal over the hill beyond while shouting, "Don't forget to like and retweet!" With the sea of hotline tweets will come angry killjoys ranting about how these celebrities don't really care, or they don't care enough, or those hotlines are terrible and they trace your call and alert the police so don't call them guys! It can all be a bit much.

Last week was a sad week for celebrity suicides. You may not have known much about those who took their own lives, but if your social media timeline was like mine, you were connected with many people whose hearts were touched by the news. We began the week with the passing of Kate Spade, a fashion designer who built a handbag empire and turned her name into a multi-million dollar brand, then finished the week with the passing of Anthony Bourdain, celebrity chef and CNN host whose stories about exotic cultures and food entertained audiences worldwide. They both chose to hang themselves—a gruesome end to their stellar careers. Many people ask themselves, “Why? How could this have happened‽” I’ve seen others sneer. Some even faulted the departed for selfishness because they left behind grieving loved ones. These are the typical responses one finds online. The internet is filled with many insensitive souls who are drunk with their own superiority, but generally, most people are good ...

I posted something on Facebook this past weekend that didn’t have the effect I wanted. “My recent timeline is filled with baking cookies, reviewing children’s picture books, and now I’ve discovered I’m spending tonight & New Year’s Eve home alone reading a book. Something is terribly wrong with my life. 😜” I had intended it to be snarky. That’s what the emoji was for. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. It’s nobody’s fault but my own that I don’t have a special somebody to spend New Year’s Eve together. I’m not logged into online dating sites desperately lining up a date—any date—to ring in the new year. I’m not writing angry screeds on Twitter or Tumblr about the tyranny of happy people. Yet several friends gave me a sad face in response to my post, as if what I wrote was terribly tragic. The problem here is that we can’t control how people interpret what we write. I’ve written befor...

As National Suicide Prevention Week comes to a close, I wanted to share a few words. I was once suicidal. I hated myself. I hated my life. I was blind to the love of people around me. I was virtually on the precipice, but stepped back at the last moment because of their love. They mattered to me, and I mattered to them. I remembered that at the moment it would do the most good. I survived that dark period, and other dark periods that followed. I survived, healed, and now I try to help other people as desperately miserable as I once was by opening up about depression , ADHD , and suicide with my writing. In fact, I wrote a book to #StopSuicide , but helping people doesn’t need to be that elaborate. Just listen and care when somebody is in crisis. Take the time to care. Don’t recoil from the subject. The fact somebody is opening up to you about such a difficult subject is an amazing blessing in your life. Don’t waste it. The other night I spoke with a gentleman whose b...

During #NSPW17 , my ebook for the suicidal (& their families) is FREE for iBooks, Kobo, B&N & Kindle https://t.co/qkcmqt8PkC #suicide Plz RT pic.twitter.com/JsFVDEy7T5 — Douglas Cootey (@SplinteredMind) September 14, 2017 Another year; another National Suicide Prevention Week has passed. This year I thought it would be a good service to the community if I offered my ebook, Saying “NO” to Suicide , for FREE throughout the week. Since I’d never made my ebooks FREE before, I had no idea what an ordeal this would become. I started last Saturday, and soon Kobo reflected the new price. Yes! Excitement! By midnight, Apple’s iBooks was also reflecting the price. This was going to work! But then World Suicide Prevention Day arrived on the 10th, and neither B&N nor Kindle reflected the newer, freer price. This was a problem because I sell most of my books on Amazon’s Kindle (followed closely by iBooks). I decided to hold off making any an...

This has been a tough year for me. I’ve kept my struggle mostly secret because the drama that ails me relates a story that I cannot share. The results of it are fairly obvious to those who observe me day to day, however. I’m less cheery; I’m more stressed; my sleep is horrible; I’m way behind in my writing; my finances have thrown up a white flag; I don’t find relief in social media anymore; and my real social life has evaporated like water in the hot, Utah sun. The most unfortunate aspect of the drama is that the more stress I encounter, the worse my Tourette’s becomes. Still! During all of this, I fulfill all my duties as a dad, and plug forward. There is always a dawn on the other side of the darkness. I believe that completely, but these days I don’t have extra energy or time for writing books or articles. I thought I had a handle on things, albeit my life was full-time daddy work and no freelance, but then I woke up a few days ago an...

I've got a new blog going up soon, but I came across something tonight that I felt compelled to share with you. Over on The Passive Voice , PG wrote about the turmoil his family has been going through due to the suicide of his son and the death of his brother — both within the same few weeks. Any death in the family can be devastating. I recently stood over the grave of my brother on Memorial Day, teary-eyed with a tight throat, even though its been nineteen years since the car accident. We don't forget those we loved. His son's suicide has pushed PG beyond the limits of his strength. Then he lost his brother to cancer. What a difficult time for his family. And yet, despite all of that, he put together a blog with such fabulous advice, I was in awe of his stamina. His blog post gives advice on words of comfort, discusses preparation for deaths in the family, and includes a stirring passage on mental illness. I was just thinking today about the need for a will now th...

“Oh please, dear Lord, take me home.” ☜ Somebody posted this on Facebook last night. I had been reading this woman’s cries for help for weeks, but never spoke up because dozens upon dozens of people jumped into each post to give her love and encouragement. I didn’t believe that I could add anything that her peers hadn’t already expressed. Last night, however, this post bothered me. If you’ve read my blog, you know how I feel about drive-by suicide notes . These types of posts are cathartic for the people who leave them, but they burden the folks who read them. They aren’t constructive and smack of wallowing. I felt compelled to leave a comment, but what would be the best approach? How could I help her believe that she could take control of her suicidal tendencies? I didn't want to scold her. She was as down as a person could be, but she didn’t have to needlessly suffer, either. Most drive-by suicide notes posted in the comments on this blog were us...

I love how my daughter uses her creativity to deal with depression. I was listening to her song the other night and was struck by these lyrics: What's this weight on your chest? Why is it hard to get dressed? Fighting chemicals inside your head. Always up till midnight All you got is moonlight Makes you wish you had the sun instead I am deeply saddened that my daughter has to struggle with the pull of depression like I do. When I think of all the genes I wanted to pass along to her, I wish this particular one had missed its trajectory. Yet we can't do much about the hand that life deals us. How I wish I could just hit “reset” and get a new deck dealt to me and my children, as if life could be managed like a Solitaire game that is going badly. At a dead end and don't know where to turn? Start over. So easy. Instead, we need to rise above our circumstances, even if only by a fraction. I have known the darkest, most oppressive waves of depression. I have opened my eyes in the...