Thursday, December 31, 2009

Deep, Dark Secrets Exposed to Light

Tendrils of Tree

As the fourth year of my blog comes to a close, I've lived through some interesting events. I saw drama with the jeopardy of my marriage, pain from a dark secret revealed by an old friend, and a waist line that refused to acquiesce to all my best efforts. I realize that last bit is slight, but when your disabilities strain your loved ones and they want out, and you learn an old friend got kinky with your three year old, you look for laughs where you can.

I had written about both events several times—even a version or two that my wife approved of—but since both events happened in the same 30 days, I wrote about them at the same time just like now, and it was simply too dark. Writing here is supposed to free me and help me cope with my Depression, Adult ADHD, and tic disorder, not suffocate me. I didn't have the heart to post the articles.

So why am I writing about it now? These events are still not funny. They may never be. In fact, there isn't enough cheek in my size 44 pants to laugh them off. My marriage may be stable now, but landmines lay just outside my vision. My daughter was too young to remember, but I bear the memory for her.

At the time of the investigation, I received intimate letters from friends who shared with me the scars of their youth—detailed and heartbreaking stories that bring tears to my eyes even six months later. I never properly responded to their emails. I didn't have the strength. I was trying to hold my family together. My wife and oldest daughter were in revolt, my second oldest began to act out because of the pressure, and the youngest two clunked along, affected by the tension but still just ten and seven. I can only hope that if my friends read this now, they will know that their outreach helped me at that time, and I hope it helped them as well.

With all this drama, Depression was hard to fight off this year. Even my old friend, Anxiety, made an appearance or two. ADHD ruled my life and my insomnia became so out of control that I felt as if I was two days behind.

It is well past time to take my life back.

That's why I'm deleting the unpublished articles about the drama. You don't need to know the details, and I need to move forward.

I may have had some setbacks in my personal life, but I've also made great achievements. I've been published now. I'm working on a third article for ADDitude Magazine, in fact. I've got a big gig starting next month I still can't divulge details about yet. And although my pants are still size 44, they fit loosely on me because I can do 183 situps now. Soon I'll hit 200, so watch out. They may fall off. I plan on stepping out of them into something leaner, and more stylish. It's my metaphor for life.

I've got changes in mind for this blog for next year. I'm hoping you'll stick around and root for me. I don't plan on letting my disabilities, or life for that matter, rob me of joy anymore.