A Splintered Mind

10:10 PM: Today, I was wiped out by the events of yesterday. I slept into the afternoon. Played with Miitomo. Discussed politics on Facebook. Basically, I let myself spin. Somedays, I need time off from wrestling with my ADHD, depression, or ticking all day long. I need to let myself just be me, distractions and all. That doesn't mean I wave insouciantly in the direction of responsibility, and blow it a kiss. I made bank transfers. I made dinner. I made sure to bring my daughter to her Chinese medicine doctor to have her remedy tweaked. We needed to compensate for her temper outbursts and increased seizures. If I'm exhausted trying to keep up with her rollercoaster, I can't imagine how burned out she's getting with all that chaos inside her head. So I took the day off. However, once my daughter was in bed for the night, I began to feel the itch to write. 4:00 AM: I'm still digging myself out of the hole I created with my shoddy research notes the other day....

I was going to write an article about why people with ADHD complain all the time, but after the day I had yesterday, I thought I'd rather complain about everything that happened instead. No, I'm kidding. After the day I had yesterday, I need more than a blank sheet and a list of gripes.   I recently came across these old screen caps of a text conversation I had last year with a wrong number. Maybe it's just stupid silliness, but it made me laugh. I thought it would be a perfect example of an upside to ADHD for me. Then I forgot all about them.   ADHD can be a pain in the butt, that's for sure. If not for ADHD, I might be finishing up my latest book project. But no, I had to make a stupid mistake that cost me two days delay. See how easy it was too complain? It just rolls off the tongue. Instead, I want to write about how ADHD makes me zany and unpredictable sometimes in a way that makes life fun. The lack of impulse control is often seen as a detriment, and I've go...

7:52 PM: The day has been a typical one with the Brownie. I'm so worried about that girl. So volatile. So overtired. So in danger of having a seizure. If only she'd go to bed for me. Last night, I spent the evening ticking while binge watching Toradora! on Crunchyroll—all while continuing my research. One day that'll make sense, but for now you'll have to trust me. Research is all done for that part. It turns out I had started making a chart for one reason, then forgot the reason and continued with another reason. Yay, ADHD. I should have taken better notes. I'll clean up my research tonight while I wait for the Brownie to fall asleep, but for now I can MOVE FORWARD. A two day setback wasn't in my plans. It's easy to get discouraged. I have dreams, plans, aspirations…but they all get mutilated when my life's obstacles start spinning out of control. This project has been so helpful, however, in forcing me to see what is broken in my world, and therefo...

6:32 AM: I've had about twenty minutes of sleep. Rough night. The Brownie is once again not waking up for me. I've done everything except detonate explosives under her. She's out. Her sleep schedule is undone with every weekend at her mother's. She just doesn't go to bed for her mum. Not fair to her mum, and not smart since she has epilepsy. I called the bus service and told them she wasn't going to school. Back to bed. 1:00 PM: The Brownie is up now, but she won't be going to school. She seems in good spirits, but I'm having a devil of a time tuning our her exuberant cuteness. 5:10 PM: The Brownie announced her head was spinning just as I was warming up in my “Why you have to go to bed for your mother” lecture. I texted her mum and sent her to bed. Soon, her vision started to drop out, so I applied VerSed. Good thing I had a spare nasal nozzle for the syringe. The one it came with was defective. No hole. Fifteen minutes later, she was asleep. As y...

Every once in a while I post on Sunday some thoughts from my Mormon perspective. They’re not intended to proselytize, but to help others understand. I am no more afraid of my faith than I am of my ADHD or depression. I discuss them all openly. In light of the recent terrorist attacks in Brussels and in Pakistan, today’s post is about finding peace in your faith despite the evil that is done to the innocent of the world. It’s a lot better than the article I planned on the made up “White Horse Prophecy”. I posted on Facebook the other day about Brussels and about the things I had been reading in the news. I noted that one of the terrorists responsible for blowing up the airport was also responsible for planting a camera outside of a nuclear power plant official’s home so his comings and goings could be studied. I read that the terrorists planned on making a dirty bomb. Then I read the next day about the security guard at a Belgian nuclear research fac...

12:57 PM: My neurologically off period continues. Even though I slept for 7½ hours, I’m still wobbly. I’m not ticking as much as I feel palsied. I read news for an hour and caught up on social media. It’s not my usual Sunday afternoon activity, but reading scriptures was too deep. Hurts my head. But the news wasn’t a good idea. There’s so much pain and suffering in the world. Even on Easter, there is no respite. I regretted spending that time on tragedy and contention. I should have just listened to a church talk. Eventually, I could get up, so I cleaned my kitchen, chatted with the Leprechaun, and made strawberry bread—forearm crutch in hand. My daughter wanted to know if I wanted her to make the bread. I said, “No, I got this. Sometimes I need to force myself.” She said, “Fine, but I can’t watch.” My ticking is hard for my children to watch, especially when I struggle to do simple things. They often tell me to go sit on...

3:47 AM: I took the time to rewrite and edit sections I’d already worked on. They connect with the other sections better now. I calculate the word count for the day by deducting the current total for the project from yesterday’s total. With all the deleting and rewriting, I only have 231 more words to show, but that’s a deceptive number. I’m pleased with what I’ve written. This book project was supposed to be done by Saturday, so did I finish? No. In that regard, the experiment was a failure. I exposed myself to the world at my weakest and have nothing to show for it. Yet! The experiment wasn’t only about finishing the book. It was much more than that. Here’s what I wrote the day before I began : …the ideas that are burning in my mind are whether I can do a daily blog as Dean did, and whether doing that can help me increase my daily word count. I don’t think anybody would care about reading about my incredibly exciting afternoon of erra...

5:08 AM: Sometime Wensday night, I began ticking. It was a bout that lasted all through the night and all through Thursday, made worse by a cold I picked up after voting. The bout finally stopped Friday afternoon. By then, the Brownie had a scheduled play day with friends we had to prepare for, then host. After the friends were gone, my daughter then left to be with her mother for the weekend. Suddenly, at 8pm Friday night, I was able to write. No interruptions. No duties to attend to outside of my own needs. So of course I got into a political fracas on Facebook. Chalk one up for ADHD. An old online friend of 6–7 years decided that my political opinions were the wrong political opinions, and instead of intelligent debate and hearty discourse, the only recourse was to unfriend me. This was an unexpected distraction, which prompted some cheeky Facebook posts. But then I wrote! Huzzah! Even with the arrival for the weekend of the Leprechaun, my seventeen-year-old daughter, I...

8:01 PM: I'm not sure what is going on with the Brownie, but she's taking her toll on me. I was so anxious about her public fit yesterday, plus money worries, that I was awake in bed until 5am. I woke again at 6:20am, and got her on the bus, then fell asleep again. Unfortunately, I slept through my alarm letting me know that my oldest daughter (the Pixie) was going to have her song played on a country station that had a stream. Such a precious moment lost. Yes, I am emotionally and physically drained on top of my own problems, but what comfort is that to my daughter thousands of miles away in Germany? Sometimes reasons why just sound like excuses. I got ready, quickly got caught up with news, tried to salve the Pixie's feelings, then headed off to the Brownie's school early. Today was the first day of therapy for her, and I didn't want to be late. After she wandered off as I was reaching into the back seat to get my bag, getting lost and causing me yet anothe...

3:28 PM: The Brownie couldn't wake up for school. She was comatose—neurologically off. I let her sleep. I had little choice in the matter. Woke at again 11am, read up on the bombing in Brussels, showered, ate, and headed off with the Brownie to physical therapy. Got there and discovered they didn't take my insurance. Regrouped and headed over to my parents to pick up some mail. After visiting for a bit, I went grocery shopping. That's when the Brownie's neurologically off day exploded in my face. I insisted she leave her 2DS in the car so she could help me shop quicker. She threw a temper tantrum in public instead and took off. I spent the first twenty minutes in the store looking for her with several employees. So much fun. I found her, but she refused to calm down. Of course, it's all my fault. At least it's snowing outside so she won't try to take off. I've got to focus on finishing my shopping and get her home. I remember a writing friend of ...

1:57 PM: Fell asleep at 5:16 AM, woke at 6:20. Got the Brownie off to school, then couldn't fall back asleep. Wrote a letter to my bishop, about 700 words, lied in bed groggily, then fell asleep again at 9 AM. It wasn't a great beginning to Day Three, but I knew this would be hard, and I'm committed to seeing it through to the end. Rolled out of bed half an hour ago. I started the day with prayer (I feel awkward sharing that because it’s so private for me. I don’t want to be accused of virtue signaling), made sure I had a protein shake, and got busy on my ThreeDo list because it was so late. A slight distraction as I discovered that my blog post, Some Things To Think About , made just before I began Writing in a Fish Bowl , was picked up by The Digital Reader’s Morning Coffee yesterday. I made sure to share the link with my Twitter followers, both to show appreciation and to make sure the other links on that page get seen as well. I am fighting the urge to read them....

1:57 PM: Fell asleep at 5:16 AM, woke at 6:20. Got the Brownie off to school, then couldn't fall back asleep. Wrote a letter to my bishop, about 700 words, lied in bed groggily, then fell asleep again at 9 AM. It wasn't a great beginning to Day Three, but I knew this would be hard, and I'm committed to seeing it through to the end. Rolled out of bed half an hour ago. I started the day with prayer (I feel awkward sharing that because it’s so private for me. I don’t want to be accused of virtue signaling), made sure I had a protein shake, and got busy on my ThreeDo list because it was so late. A slight distraction as I discovered that my blog post, Some Things To Think About , made just before I began Writing in a Fish Bowl , was picked up by The Digital Reader’s Morning Coffee yesterday. I made sure to share the link with my Twitter followers, both to show appreciation and to make sure the other links on that page get seen as well. I am fighting the urge to read the...

Dean Wesley Smith has a separate computer for writing. Neil Gaiman writes his books longhand. Writers who write professionally all find their own way to block out the distractions of this world to get busy creating their own worlds. You don't need ADHD to recognize that distractions cost you time and money. When I want to get busy writing without distractions, I use a Writing Room account. It's connected to the internet just enough to be useful, but not enough to be distracting. This differs from using apps that open to full screen because in this account, everything that I have purposefully designed to grab my attention is not installed. Text messages, upgrade prompts, alarms, and calendar events are all potential distractions awaiting their turn to pull me away from my work. I recently set up a new distraction free user under El Capitan. This time, things where a little different than when I did it three years ago . There were some of the same old distractions like Tw...

5:35 AM: I may have pushed myself too hard. I've been lying in bed ticking for the past hour. It's hard to sleep when your legs are moving so violently. This will complicate Day Two. 1:09 PM: In all the nights I have been tracking my sleep, I have never seen a wakeup time so low on that graph. No wonder I slept until 1 PM. I was neurologically out of it—practically comatose. I don't think I would have woken up if my bed was on fire. At this moment, I'm not ticking anymore, and I'm finally alert, but now I'm late to church, and any hope of writing before church has been lost to Morpheus' embrace. The day's not over yet, but I have a home teaching appointment to make at 5 PM, I have to pick up the Brownie at 7pm, and there is a temptation to make up for lost time by staying up late after I put her to bed. This would not be wise. I have to wake up the Brownie at 6:20 AM to get her on her school bus. Strange. I'm not normally so aware of time. This...

As I hinted at yesterday, I have long wondered if I could do what Dean Wesley Smith does, and write about everything I do that day. I’m not a successful author with legions of readers who care about how I spend every moment, but I thought that writing out my day in public would force me to rethink how I spend my time—to live more focused—maybe hold a magnifying glass to my schedule and notice bad habits that need correcting. However, visions of nightmare blogs kept me from doing it. I could just see it: “Woke up at 2:30pm. Today I meant to write, but I bred Pokémon for three hours instead. Got a 6 IV shiny. So cool. Then I caught up on Twitter for two hours, finally remembered to eat, and had to make dinner for the Brownie. She threw a fit, so I argued with her until 9:35pm. Finally! She’s asleep. I can get some writing done. But then I watched TV in a comatose state until 1am. Too tired to write. Must be up at 6:20am to get the Brownie off to school. I’ll t...

It’s late, and I’m getting ready to hit the sack. Today was a good day. I accomplished only two things on my ThreeDo list , but they were big ones. Tonight, however, a friend of mine plays the latest Splatoon Splatfest without me, the TV isn’t on, and my mind is burdened with glorious purpose. Unlike Loki, however, I have no plans to subjugate mankind. I just want to be MORE than I am. I’ve been reading Dean Wesley Smith’s “How to Write a Novel in Ten Days” . It’s a journal blog of his writing process from start to finish as he wrote a ghosted a novel under contract . The book isn’t really as useful as the title leads one to believe. There are no steps broken down in bullet point fashion. No secret tips for novices. It’s just the record of a guy writing. To learn from it, you need to read between the lines and take your own notes. As I read through the first third of the book, I noticed a few things. Wow. He gets distracted a lot. Even on a bad day, he wrote nearly 5x what my ...