Sunday, November 08, 2009

Some Days are Easier Than Others

Royal Twilight Colors

Hard day today. I had plans. Big, beautiful plans. Instead I spent the day ticking. Then company arrived and there went my plans like leaves in the wind.

I managed to check off two of the six things I needed to do today, but there was so much more that needed to be done. I was powerless and sat there stuttering, and twitching, and unable to be productive. Days like these try my will. It is so difficult to keep my spirits up. In fact, I'm struggling with Depression as I type this.

The first stage is to recognize that I'm depressed. The next stage is to decide if I have a reason to be.

Well, I had a reason. I blew time out the window like smoke while I sat there and ticked all day.

In the past I wrote about how one must, at this point, analyze whether one is feeling an appropriate amount of sadness. After all, it is perfectly human to feel sad after you lose a big game, get dumped, lose a favorite loved one or pet, get audited, lose your house in a freak sink hole, make a mistake that costs you your job, or discover you owe the government thousands of dollars because you failed to enroll for health insurance. If your mood rides high with your political parties success, then when you lose in the polls you are sad. If your mood waxes and wanes with the moon, then you can be guaranteed to be miserable on a regular basis.

There are a lot of things in life that make us sad—many of them completely valid, others not so much. The question is how sad is too sad? I believe the answer is you are too sad if you can't function.

There is a world of difference between being bummed and being devastated. If a family member dies, you are going to be devastated. If you get a speeding ticket, you're going to be bummed out. Depressives, however, react extremely to life's triggers. We are often devastated when we should only be let down—catatonic when we should only be heartbroken.

There I was. My friends were gone. I had hours ahead of me before I went to bed. I wasn't ticking. I should have been leaping to get back to that to do list. Instead, I listed aimlessly for an hour. I moped without realizing it. Fortunately, something on Twitter snapped me out of it. I thank ADHD for this. The ability to be distracted from being depressed has saved me countless times.

Still, I only realized I was depressed. It was a long way from wrestling with it and vanquishing it. Writing here was my first step in fighting it.

David Farlane once said that people with ADHD aren't generally equipped to be authors. He spoke from the experience of seeing author friends struggle with it. There needs to be a lot of internal focus and dedication to see a book through to the end. That puts people with ADHD at a disadvantage. He didn't mention at the time how Depression or Chronic Motor Tic Disorder affected the process. I can only imagine I have set out to accomplish a monumental task. I'm determined to be the exception to the rule, however.

So even though watching the latest episode of Legend of the Seeker might lift my spirits, or reading Bree Despain's ARC of The Dark Divine might distract me from my feelings, I'm going to work on my book instead, even if only for a few minutes.

I'm not an expert, but it seems to me that if we want to have joy in life we need to work for it. My disabilities are a pain in the neck, but I can either let them define me or I can push them aside and get busy doing what I want in life. And I want to be a published author.

Therefore, I am hereby stating that Depression will not defeat me tonight. I'll write despite my mood and hopefully see lifted spirits through the effort. Wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck in your struggles as well. Take a moment to let me know what you're up against so I know how to cheer you on.

Douglas sig